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Date Posted: 23:54:58 12/18/01 Tue
Author: Jonathan
Author Host/IP: 67.211.67.99
Subject: Oil Changing Instructions for Guys and Gals

OIL CHANGING INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN:
1. Pull up to quick-lube stop 3000 miles after last oil change.
2. Sip on your iced cappuccino.
3. 20 minutes later, write a check and leave with your vehicle.

Cost: $20.00 for the oil change + $3.00 for the cappuccino = $23.00

OIL CHANGING INSTRUCTIONS FOR GUYS:
1. Go to Snuffy's auto parts emporium and write a check for $50.00 to cover oil, filter, kitty litter, hand soap and the new hot pin-up calendar on special for only $24.99.
2. Hang up calendar with Miss May "showing" - you get the idea here. Discover that the oil container is still full from last time so dig a hole in the yard and dump when no one is looking.
3. Spend at least half an hour looking for the jack stands. while you are looking, drink a brewski.
4. Jack up car and place drain pan under motor.
5. Look for 5/8" box end wrench, then give up and use a crescent wrench.
6. Undo plug, rounding off all corners.
7. Drop the &%$#-ing plug in the hot oil and burn arm in the process of spilling the oil.
8. Clean arm and have another beer while watching the oil drain.
9. Look for filter wrench, then give up and poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
10. Drop screwdriver on hot exhaust and, when trying to retrieve screwdriver, burn fingers.
11. Throw screwdriver down in disgust and have it bounce off the floor and stab Miss May in the "upper housing group" - you get the idea here.
12. Feel sad for Miss May's fate and drink your last beer.
13. Walk 2 miles to nearest 7/11 for a cold twelve pack.
14. Return to messy garage, drag oil pan out and dump oil with the rest in the hole in the yard. Use kitty litter to clean up the mess from step 7 above.
15. Chug a beer and open another for sipping.
16. Install new filter making sure to put a thin coat of oil on the gasket.
17. Add oil. Notice fresh oil spreading out on the garage floor.
18. Run out to oil pit in the yard and reach arm in to find drain plug.
19. More kitty litter, another beer and cross thread the drain plug
20. Commence cussing. Chug your "sipping beer".
21. Bang your head on the cross member drawing blood.
22. Go into house to clean the wound and discover oily footprints on new white carpet.
23. Clean carpet while consuming two more beers.
24. Walk 2 miles to 7/11 to get five new quarts of oil at $3.50 a quart.
25. Drop car off jack stands, clean hands, drink a couple more beers.
26. Test drive car.
27. Get pulled over right next to the 7/11 for drunk driving.
28. Car is impounded.
29. Make bail.
30. Next day go and retrieve car from impound lot.

COSTS:
$50.00 for parts and calendar
$25.00 for beer
$17.50 for replacement oil
$1000 for bail
$800 for impound and towing fee
$1800 for attorney
$1500 fine for first DWI offense
$400 fee for community service so you can clean up highway litter wearing orange overalls.
TOTAL: $5592.50

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