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Date Posted: 00:12:12 12/19/01 Wed
Author: Jonathan
Author Host/IP: 67.211.67.99
Subject: Farting Definations

ESCAPEE:
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE):
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom.


OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN):
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident.

SAFE HAVENS:
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors.

TURD BURGLAR:
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open.

CAMO-COUGH:
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all potential Turd Burglars and hides Watermelons.

WATERMELON:
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water.

HAVANA OMELET:
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee.

UNCLE TED:
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty.

FLY BY:
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again.


What is Capitalism?
This little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is capitalism?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think it's all about". The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit."


Confucious Say...

"Man who run in front of car get tired"

"Man who run behind car get exhausted"

"Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails."

"Man who eat many prunes get good run for money."

"War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left."

"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house."

"Man who sleep in cat house by day, sleep in doghouse by night."

"Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!"

"If you park, don't drink, accidents cause people."

"Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons."

"Man who lives in glass house should change in basement"

"He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs."

"Man who eat jellybean fart in technicolor."

"Man who fart in church sit in own pew."

"Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have."

"People who make Confucius joke speak bad English."

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