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Date Posted: 00:20:57 12/19/01 Wed
Author: Jonathan
Author Host/IP: 67.211.67.99
Subject: Sixty work excuses for the daily procrastinator.

1. I won't be in today. My fish is sick and I need to take it to the vet.

2. My neighbor's daughter got a round hair brush stuck in her hair and I need to help her get it out.

3. I won't be in today because I have come down with Spring Fever.

4. Last night in San Francisco I was attacked by a gay guy who didn't like the remarks I made about him and he hit me in the face and broke the windshield of my car with a small bat that I tried to hit him with.

5. I don't think I'll be in work for awhile. Yesterday I was riding my son's BMX bike and I fell and broke my ankle it two places and I'm in the hospital.

6. Sorry I was late again, but I bought a new alarm clock last night, plugged it into the wall and electrocuted myself. I past out and didn't regain consciences until now.

7. Called in on Tuesday I won't be able to come to work for the rest of the week. My shrink put me on a depressant pill yesterday and I was up all night wired. I'm in zombieland right now and I don't want to drive in fear of an accident, or run the machines in fear of getting hurt or dismembered. I need the rest of the week off cause my body needs to adjust to the medication. So I need the last three days as vacation days because I've missed too much time already and I can't afford to miss anymore .

8. I won't be in today or Ever Again. I've found a way to earn money by staying at home working on my puter. I'm tired of getting paid for punching a time clock, working my butt off on a J.O.B (Just Over Broke) 9 to 5 and retiring with $ 0 in my bank account, forced to live off the Government and taxpayers. If you want to know what I'll be doing, send an email to: Cookie18@SmartBot.NET Hooray! Freedom at Last!

9. Had to be rushed to hospital for coffee burns on my lap be in tomorrow!

10. I called in to work saying I wouldn't be in that day because I had leaned against the gas heater, my skirt caught on fire, I burned my ass and I was in the hospital. It was an entertaining injury in spite of being 2nd and 3rd degree burns.

11. Back in the olden days, female employees were not required to report their pregnancies, and she was one of the damnedably lucky ones that never showed. Her boss found out when she called to say she couldn't make it that day because she was in labor.

12. I wont be in today I ran into a car and need to go to the doctor's I can't find my shoes! I can't find my Son!!! There is a good show on T.V. I need to donate blood today. I'm Drunk I left rubber cement next to my bed why I was sleeping and got really High I fell on a flashlight " Butt First " My dog ate my car keys and went to sleep and when I woke up found my self in another state.

13. Excuse me sir, but I won't be in today. My home is flooded and I'm currently standing on my dresser in my second story bedroom. Thanks and have a nice day.

14. Can't make it in. I have a chance of filling in for someone on jury duty.

15. Hello, This is, ________ I've used all of my sick days and I'm calling in dead.

16. "You'll never believe it! I said with a straight face, I was heading here with plenty of time to be on time, when my car tires got stuck in the streetcar tracks! Now, I could drive forward and backwards but I couldn't turn off the tracks. I continued. Now I knew I couldn't safely stay there, so I did the only thing I could. I said, I had to drive all the way down to the rail yards and (finally) drive out free at the barns. I'm sure you know how far away the rail yards are from work. I took me an extra half hour just to drive back! That's why I was late for work."

17. I can't come into work today because of eye trouble.... I can't see working today.

18. If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

19. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

20. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Wal-Mart.

21. I was already at work for this and wanted to leave...Tell the boss I called home a few minutes ago and gotta go, my girlfriend went out to sunbathe naked in the back yard and locked herself out of the house and needs the door opened.

22. My roommate's horse overate and he has been walking it since midnight, I need to walk the horse so it doesn't lay down and die.

23. Yesterday I Caught a bad cold while vacationing in Miami, Florida. Sorry!

24. A SWAT team closed off a part of a street after a disgruntled ex-employee shot several people at a printing firm. A worker for a different a company called to report he couldn't finish his service route on that block that day because there were snipers on the roof.

25. " I went to a party on Saturday and met a girl, we've been in bed ever since. I'm getting tired now and will be at work in an hour or so .

26. My coworker Wilma Martinez called in and said " The snowplow was stuck in front of her driveway ". It took three days before they could get back to tow it away.

27. (If you have a friend you want to skip work with) "At our potluck yesterday, there must have been something bad. I am so sick, I think I have food poisoning"....(a few moans for effect)... (then have your buddy call & do the same routine).

28. I sprained my wrist cooking dinner in the microwave last nite.

29. I won't be able to come to work next week . We're trying for a baby and the doc says next week is the best chance.

30. I can't make it to work today because there is a bowling ball stuck under my car! (True Story)

31. I can't make in to work today, I ate bad sushi last night.

32. This one got me a week off - I got drunk on Friday night and fell asleep on a football field with no top on. I woke up extremely sunburned and now I am passing blood.

33. I ate a bag of those fake-fat potato chips, and now something is oozing from my butt.

34. I'll be late for work today because the train had a flat tire and I had to help change it.

35. I lost my car keys skiing and I can't leave until I find them!

36. I won't be into work tomorrow... I took apart my carburetor and can't get it back together.

37. I can't make it to work today, because the fan belt broke on the van, the brakes went out, and it has a flat tire.

38. Please excuse Henry for being late. He was stuck in the bathroom without any toilet paper.

39. "I cant come to work today because my cat is lonely and stressed out and if I don't spend quality time with him, he will keep peeing on the furniture!"

40. I won't be in to work today. My wife said she is going to conceive today, and I want to be there when it happens.

41. I will not be to work today as I have a headache and do not want to give it to anyone else.

42. Sorry, won't be in for 3 days. Went to see my sister off on her cruise to Bahamas...darn ship left with me still on it.. Captain refuses to turn back.

43. I cannot come into work today because I came down with a bad case of something or other.

44. We had a girl call in with this excuse......"I can't come in to work as a skunk sprayed me last night!"

45. The blankets were too heavy for me to lift so I was stuck in bed all day.

46. I once told my boss that I had converted to Krishnaism and since it was the Maharishi Guru's birthday I couldn't come in because I had to go to the temple to worship.

47. I can't make it to work today because there is a bowling ball stuck under my car! (True Story)

48. I'm sorry I was late. The dog shit on the stairs. 'why did this make you late?' Have you ever had dog shit between your toes at 5 am in the morning?

49. I have horrible gas and I don't want my work environment to be a fire hazard due to all of the methane gas that will be coming out of me. It would not be a productive work day for anyone.

50. I can't come in today because I've just realized I actually save money if I stay at home. Apart from the bus fare, the prices in your canteen are outrageous and I always end up drinking at lunchtime to cope with the depression of working for you.

51. Uh....Boss? Your not going to believe this, but the faucet on the side of the well house broke and water ran down and puddled around the tires. As you know, it was below freezing last night, and now my tires are frozen to the ground. And to make matters worse, my uncle punched a hole in the front driver side tire with the ice pick he was using to help me get the truck loose. I'll be in as soon as I get the truck loose and replace the tire.

52. I will not be into work today because all my clothes were stolen off my cloths line.

53. I can't come to work today. My car's airbag deployed while I was driving. I think it was because I was going about 85 and abruptly hit a speed bump. there fore, I am semi paralyzed but the doctor said I should be better in a week or two.

54. "I can't come in to work today because the Martians landed in my back yard and I got radiation poisoning.."

55. "Sorry Sir I can't come in to work today. I have a roach in my ear and I have to go to the hospital to have it removed." While waiting at the hospital a woman came in with a roach in her ear. After removing the bug she asked the Doctor for an excuse for her boss at work. After a few questions we found out she had put the roach in her ear and used a Q-Tip to push it in to get out of work. This is a true story!

56. I have lost my American Express Card and I cannot leave home without it.

57. Sorry, but the electricity has been out since 4:00 this morning and I can't blow dry my hair.

58. I can't come to work today because my father is dying on Friday.

59. I can't come to work today because my father did not die on Friday, he's waiting until Monday.

60. I ran into a cactus and had to go under extensive surgery to remove all the thorns so I can't make it in.

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