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Date Posted: 12:27:14 10/25/01 Thu
Author: Bill
Author Host/IP: 152.163.201.211
Subject: Okay...

Well, some have asked what's been going on and that I've been quiet lately, it's difficult to know just where to begin but I'll just dive in and give you all an update.
I've been getting support from those within the church who say that my present trials are meant to give me more "character", that I shouldn't want to have my circumstances fixed, but rather be given the strength to deal with them. Ok, I see that point.
But let's examine character here--I don't have any streetsigns named after me that say "Suffering Avenue", you all have your struggles and others have it worse, I know as I've been told and I know through common sense. However,
I also believe that one can only endure so many constant trials and struggles in life before that person starts to wear down, lose their spirit, start courting the worst case scenarios, and get a harder, bitter edge.
Yes, as some of you realized, I was the one who posted under no identity (not anymore) below on this board because that's how I felt and still feel, although not quite as drastic as that night I posted it.
I'm in the midst of spiritual struggles, some say leave it to God, let him take care of it for you, others say make the necessary changes, but then that's an "action plan" and God doesn't go for those. We shouldn't take matters into our own hands.
All I know is I spent three years at a job which almost cost me my sanity and I spent months planning, organizing, arranging, detailing, and thinking through this move to South Carolina and just recently, I could have sworn there was some Satan at my heels determined to trip my every move.
Maybe that's wrong and it's certainly not a healthy way to think, but with the staffing agency falling through, the horrendous search for another job and finding one which has fallen through and pays me change, with the car acting up yet again after relentless repairs when I first arrived,
and now as hard as I tried, with collection agencies and delinquent accounts and wrecked credit and threats dogging my heels, I'm wondering just why we all seem to just go from one suffering situation to the next. I mean that as a fact, not out of self-pity. I'm too numb to feel that.
What I also know is this has really zapped that sensitive, spiritual, giving, caring side of me, it's funny, I've been told I should concentrate more on serving others, well, that's a little difficult to do when things are constantly slamming at me.
Is it so much to ask to have a job so I can pay my bills?
I've completely given up on ever reaching financial solvency, it honestly doesn't matter what I try, something will smash that from happening, it's happened time after time after time, my own mistakes or fate, whatever, and it's hard to express what it is like to live life alone,
I have friends who care, but it's not the same, it's frightening beyond words to express what it's like not to have family to turn to, and I'm not talking about money handouts either. At the same time, I'm not happy and wouldn't want to inflict any of this on any potential significant other. So I can't complain too much on that count.
I have a job interview tonight for a full time job, yet there's much competition, so I will go in, give it my best, and am avidly looking for additional or other work. Financial disasters are an ultimate distraction, roadblock, and face slapper to any ounce of happiness in this greedy,
loan shark filled, materialistic, you have it or you don't and if you don't, $%^&* on you type of society.
I'm preparing for all worst case scenarios should they happen, but in closing, as I said, I'm at a point where as much support as I receive, I'm tired, I'm worn out, I'm sick of fighting, and don't know why I even try anymore.
Two weeks ago, I was so upset I couldn't even focus on driving, I couldn't physically press the gas pedal to more than 30 miles an hour all the way to work and I don't remember much of the trip there, that's unsafe for others too, last week my arms were physically flinching because I wanted to turn the car around and come back home and pull the covers over my head.
If I didn't have the cats right now, I really wonder just how far I'd go to try to achieve some sense of peace in this life. In a rubber room, I wouldn't have to worry about financial crap.
Bill

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