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Date Posted: 21:19:09 06/10/01 Sun
Author: Jonathan
Author Host/IP: 199.35.225.175
Subject: Re: JONATHAN
In reply to: Sabrina 's message, "JONATHAN" on 22:29:03 06/09/01 Sat

I kinda closed up inside. Had a major blow this spring... I just stopped taking my meds, going to counseling, or going outside. I am still inside as I write this. I am hurting today. Sad too. I hate father or mother's days. Life seems so bleak! Nothing to live for! It's so unfair when other's depend on me! I have to stay strong for others... but no one can be strong for me. So I weep in solitude. I still sleep with a loaded gun next to my head... just haven't got the guts to pull the trigger yet. In the meantime; I have completed 34/60 monthly payments to cover my funeral someday. Life insurance companies won't cover people who have been suicidal, ya know! The good news is that I don't have to keep them going any longer.... if I die today, the plan covers the rest.

There are those who say they are suicidal; but till they actually sit down and plan it all out... they are just crying for help. For me, life must end for us all one day... it's just a question of when. For today on a positive note: I am fighting still... resisting the urge. I tell myself that others need me to live so out of guilt; I choose to live for them... and you! Nothing heals inside... you just carry the baggage till you die.

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