two fresh jokes -- The Mad Wee Wee

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Date Posted: 22:59:03 01/19/02 Sat
Author: Jade
Subject: two fresh jokes

More Actual Medical Records

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he
was feeling better.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a
year.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had
completely disappeared.

She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states
she was very hot in bed last night.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in
1993.

Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and
then, he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to
the floor.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears
to be depressed.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr.
Smith to dispose of him.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

The patient's past medical history has been remarkably
insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three
days.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate
directions in early December.

The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of
breath with picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having
sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you
would like to work her up.

Skin: somewhat pale but present.

Admitted in error.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr Jones, who felt that we
should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.

***
The Soldier

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned
from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.
He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for
London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the
length of the train, looking for an empty seat.

The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed
middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war
weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed
and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people.
Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but
after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself
again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very
tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans!
Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up
the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat
down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend
her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You
know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the
wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You
drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir,
you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

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