cat trouble -- The Mad Wee Wee

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Date Posted: 23:39:14 06/23/05 Thu
Author: Jade
Subject:

cat trouble

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how
legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling my boss thinks I'm
lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because
the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I
had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in
the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to
explain the bandage on the top of my head.

The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's
wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition
was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard
my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Honey! The garbage
disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower
pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me
in?"

There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a
second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent
outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her
behavior as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to
find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my
circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its
gnashing metal teeth.

It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects
she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the
corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink.

And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at
the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like
claws.

I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements,
blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a
kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or
flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight"
option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into
the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my
ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself
lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of
"been-there, done-that" paramedics.

Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were
all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while
trying to suppress their hysterical laughter and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it
back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation
out of me about my head injury.

I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it
was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

If they only knew!

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