Joke packet -- The Mad Wee Wee

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Date Posted: 00:52:34 09/05/01 Wed
Author: Jade
Subject: Joke packet

Taxi Driver

Rated PG

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a
question.The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus,
went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window. For
a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look
mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap
would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really
your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a
funeral van for the last 25 years.

**************************
Instructions For The Stupid

On instructions for a hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial bath bar:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

On a frozen dinner package:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On a hotel-provided shower cap box:
Fits one head.

On Tesco's Tirimisu dessert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging from a Rowenta Iron.
Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

On a bottle of Nytol (a sleeping aid):
Warning: May cause drowsiness.

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: Keep out of children.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: Contains nuts.

On an American Airlines package of nuts:
Instructions: Open package, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

On a package of Sunmaid raisins:
Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?

On curling iron instructions:
Do not put into eyes.

**********************

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterward they're just lying there, enjoying the nearness of each other. The phone rings, and because it's the woman's house, she reaches over and picks up the receiver.

Her lover looks over and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation.

She is speaking in a cheery voice. " Hello? Oh, hi! SO glad you called. Really. That's wonderful! I'm so happy for you. Sounds terrific. Great! Thanks! Okay. Buh-bye."

She hangs up the phone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, " that was my husband telling me what a wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

* * *

Allen was feeling particularly horney so he went to a whore on the street and said "how much do you charge"

The whore said "100 bucks for the evening" Allen said "well, if I pay you 100 bucks, you will have to do it under my rules" the whore said "that�s fine."

So Allen took her home and told her that they would close all the blinds and do it in the pitch dark. The whore turned to him and said "honey, its your money, so whatever you want is fine"

They had sex, and Allen told her to wait 10 minutes before they were to do it again, Then 10 minutes later, they did it again. After 6 times, he seemed to be getting stronger and stronger.

"Allen, you are the best lover I have ever had" Then the man said "Lady, my name is Jake, Allen is outside selling your ass to all his friends for 50 bucks a pop"

**************************
Old Couple Pulled Over

Rated G

An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was
behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.

"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the officer said.

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did
he say?"

"He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled.

The patrolman then asked, "May I see your license?"

The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman then gave the officer her license.

"I see you are from Arkansas," the patrolman said. "I spent some time
there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever
seen."

The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"

****************

-Idiot Story-

Common sense evidently has no bearing when it comes to male barroom

competitions. This was the case when a 43-year-old Romanian man put a

wheel bearing on his penis to compete in a contest with his friends to

see who had the longest appendage.

The man reportedly tried to carry on as if nothing was wrong for three

days in hopes that the bearing would come off. However, the pain became

to intense so he had a friend drive him to the hospital. Dr. Mihail

Serbanescu carried out a three hour operation to remove the bearing.

Serbanescu explained that since the bearing was made of toughened steel,

the penis had to be cut open and drained. Doctors say the penis should

function normally again after three months' rest.

*****************
-Idiot Story-

A Russian fugitive tried to hide in "plane sight" and was thrown from a

height of around 1,950 feet into a water-filled ditch in the

Netherlands.

The man, wanted by Russian police on suspicion of rape, stowed away in

the landing gear compartment of a KLM Boeing 737 with another fugitive.

According to police officials, the man was already dead when his body

fell from the plane's landing gear. A few days later a Russian passport

was found a few miles away from where the body had landed. The body of

the other fugitive, who was also wanted by Russian police on suspicion

of rape, was found in the wheel well of the same aircraft.

****************
The teacher is explaining to class of young children about weather vanes, which traditionally have a red rooster on them.

She tells to the class that this worked by the wind's direction and was called a cock.
"Now, who can tell me why we have these on the weather vanes?" she asked.

Young Jimmy answered in a flash: "Well Miss, it's quite obvious... if they put a cunt up there, the wind would blow right through it!!"
***************
There was an alien couple that came to earth and found a couple to swap with. After they paired up, the female and alien male got in bed. He pulled out his pecker and she said, "That's too small." So the alien pulled on his left ear and soon it was of great length.

She said, "It's long enough now, but too skinny." So he pulled on his right ear and soon it was long and thick. They had a good time and before daylight came, the aliens left earth.

The man and his wife were comparing notes the next day and he asked how it was. She said that the alien man was wonderful! She then asked him how it went.

"The female alien was amazing too," he replied. "She was so excited, that she damn near pulled my ears off."

*********************
There was an alien couple that came to earth and found a couple to swap with. After they paired up, the female and alien male got in bed. He pulled out his pecker and she said, "That's too small." So the alien pulled on his left ear and soon it was of great length.

She said, "It's long enough now, but too skinny." So he pulled on his right ear and soon it was long and thick. They had a good time and before daylight came, the aliens left earth.

The man and his wife were comparing notes the next day and he asked how it was. She said that the alien man was wonderful! She then asked him how it went.

"The female alien was amazing too," he replied. "She was so excited, that she damn near pulled my ears off."

**************
How Hot Is It In Hell?

(a true story)

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his
graduate students. It had one question: "Is Hell exothermic
(gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your
answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's
Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is
compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and
the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume
that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no
souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the
different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these
religions state that if you are not a member of their religion,
you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to
Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the
number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because
Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure
in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as
souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1). If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will
increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2). Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will
drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan
during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell
before sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I
still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her,
then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.
*******************
Two teenagers wander off to the bushes during a softball game on the outskirts of town and start necking. After a while the boy stops. "You know we've been doing this for a few weeks now and I think it's time we went all the way," he pleads.

"Well, maybe," she says, "but I'm a virgin and I heard it hurts. Besides all those people at the field may hear us."

The boy stops and says, "Hmmm, well then if it hurts, start making cow sounds, and I'll stop! But, if it feels good start singing and we can keep on going. That way no one will ever guess what we're really doing."

The girl agrees so they quickly take off their clothes and get down to business. Ten minutes later, the people watching the game hear sounds echoing through the quiet countryside so loudly that the teams actually stop playing. "Mooooo... Mooooo... Mooooooooon River... !"

************
An old widow and widower named Mary and Steve get married. They are up there in age, and the romance, engagement and marriage was quick. They hoped they had enough strength to live through their wedding day and night.

After the marriage ceremony, they retire to a nearby hotel. Both are very nervous. Cautiously they begin to undress in front of each other.

In the process, Mary, the old woman, removes her false teeth and puts them in a glass.

Mary then removes her prosthetic leg and leans it against the wall.

She looks up at her new groom and smiles nervously, and Steve is intently watching...

Mary continues. She removes her bra which contains false inserts; she removes a glass eye and gingerly places it in a special box on the nightstand.

Again she shyly smiles at her aged spouse, and Steve continues to stare in an interested manner.

As Mary takes off her wig, she realizes that Steve is not making much progress in getting undressed. He's stopped undressing and is just staring at her.

She asks him, "What are you waiting for?"

Steve quickly replies, "You know what I want. Take it off and throw it over here!"
******************
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?"

"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What else?"

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?"

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What else?"

The monkey motioned "kissing."

"They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer.

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked."

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving" motioned the monkey.

*******************
Who�s Next?

Rated PG

A man in a bar saw a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he commented, "You look terrible. What's the
problem?"

"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in July," the friend continued, "my father died, leaving me
$50,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued the friend, "nothing!"
****************
To Home With Love

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying
very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I
need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I
would love to hear from you.

Love,

Your $on.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to
keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit
of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,

Dad
*****************

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