JOKE PACK!!!! COME AND GET IT!!!!!!! -- The Mad Wee Wee

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Date Posted: 20:08:23 10/10/01 Wed
Author: Jade
Subject:

JOKE PACK!!!! COME AND GET IT!!!!!!!

Please do not reply, subscription information is provided at the bottom of this message.

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Today's Joke...
I Just Can't Drive Today

For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman
with whom I carpooled to our children's soccer practices. I
phoned and explained that my husband had the car again, so I
wouldn't be able to take my turn.

A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband
showed up. Since it was too late for me to call and say I could
drive after all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage
and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that he shouldn't
mention anything about his father's whereabouts.

Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house
chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived. When my
son returned from practice, I asked him if she had noticed.

"Yes," he replied, "she asked me which of the two men in front of
the house was my father. But don't worry. I told her I didn't
know."

**********
Why Don't I See You?

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and as
always the preacher was standing at the door shaking hands as the
congregation departed.

He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except for Christmas
and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

********************

HOW TO BUY GIFTS FOR MEN

Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, He wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money, buy your man a big screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6:
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years.

Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #8:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink. You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says "Some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")

Rule #11:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12:
Tickets to a pro sports game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #13:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope. No one knows why.

* * *

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something "Christmassy."

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, and he is allowed in.

The second man presents a cracker, and he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of panties.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

The man's response... "They're Carol's."
HOW TO BUY GIFTS FOR MEN

Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, He wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money, buy your man a big screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6:
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years.

Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #8:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink. You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says "Some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")

Rule #11:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12:
Tickets to a pro sports game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #13:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope. No one knows why.

* * *

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something "Christmassy."

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, and he is allowed in.

The second man presents a cracker, and he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of panties.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

The man's response... "They're Carol's."
***************
Always Give 100 Percent At Work

My new work philosophy:

Always give 100% at work...

12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays

And remember...

When you're having a really bad day and it seems like people are
trying to piss you off, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and
only 4 to extend your finger and flip them off.

Now get back to work.

Always Give 100 Percent At Work

My new work philosophy:

Always give 100% at work...

12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays

And remember...

When you're having a really bad day and it seems like people are
trying to piss you off, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and
only 4 to extend your finger and flip them off.

Now get back to work.

**********
'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house,
Everyone felt shitty,
Even the mouse.

Mom at the whore house,
Dad smoking grass,
I settled down for a nice
Piece of ass.

I set myself down out on
The lawn, and I heard a
Big clatter, so I sprang
From my piece to see
What was the matter.

From out on the lawn
I saw a big dick,
And I knew in a moment
It must be St Nick!

He came down the chimney
Like a bat outta hell,
And I knew in a moment
that the fucker had fell.

He filled our stockings
With pretzels and beer,
And a huge rubber dick
For my brother the Queer.

He rose up the chimney
With a thunderous fart
And the son of a bitch
Blew the chimney apart

And as he rode off
out into the night,
He said, "Piss on you all,
And to all a bitch of a night!"

* * *

WHY IS A CHRISTMAS TREE BETTER THAN A MAN

1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date.
9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.

***********
The Irishman's Olives

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini,
each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the
jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the
Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan
had done. "What was that all about?"

"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar
of olives."

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