Jokes -- The Mad Wee Wee

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Date Posted: 18:18:00 07/02/01 Mon
Author: Jade
Subject:

Jokes

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, all working for NASA, were trying to figure out where to go on the next trip.
The brunette said, "We should go to Mars."
The redhead said, "We should go to the Moon."
The brunette and the redhead sat there arguing for a while. Suddenly, the blonde shouts, "Stop arguing! I know where the next expedition should be to ... the Sun!"
The brunette and the redhead looked at each other and started laughing. The brunette finally said, "You can't go to the Sun. You would melt or burn up before you even got close!"
The blonde said, "DUH... Not if you go at night!"

********************

Four strangers travelled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 70 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen yrs. old--who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a very mature looking man in his mid-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.

As these four strangers travelled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin. In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.

The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"

The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"

The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.

And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"

********************

What's got 90 balls and makes women sweat?
Bingo

********************

This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet.

We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be

undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

********************

The scientist arrived with his clone and proceeded to the podium. The clone sat at the end of the head table. The scientist began the speech intending a tribute to the advances in the field of modern biology.

"My fellow scientists," he began. But before he could utter another word, the clone sprang to his feet and shouted out, "He's an ASSHOLE!". The crowd began to murmur as the scientist commanded the clone to "Sit down and shut-up!" Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist began again, "My fellow scientists..." Again the clone sprang to his feet and yelled, "This dumb ASS couldn't produce a copy on a Xerox. He's a fraudulent SON-OF-A-BITCH!".

Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and threw him out of the window.

The crowd gasped and security rushed into the room. A short while later New York's finest arrived and were explained the events that had transpired.

The police chief said to the scientist, "We are going to have to arrest you." The scientist replied, "For what? I have committed no crime. What fell from the window was a clone, not a person." The attending scientists nodded in agreement. "Well," retorted the police chief, "we cannot let this heinous act go unchallenged."

The police chief thought for a moment and then ordered the scientist held, for "Making an obscene clone fall...."

********************

A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight, and while enroute to his home, asked the driver if he would be a witness, as he suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act.

The driver agreed, and they both tiptoed into the bedroom, turned on the lights pulled the blanket back and found the wife in bed with another man.

The husband put his gun to the man's head, and the wife shouted, "Don't do it, this man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you, who do you think paid for our new boat, he did!"

The husband, looked over at the cab driver, and said, "What would you do in a case like this?"

The cabbie smiled, and said, "I'd cover him up before he catches cold."

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