jokes -- The Mad Wee Wee

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Date Posted: 16:25:37 07/26/01 Thu
Author: Jade
Subject: jokes

Three guys are debating who has the best memory.

First guy says, "I can remember the first day of my First Grade class."

Second guy says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery School!"

Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "Hell, that's nothing. I can
remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with
my mother."
********************

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he figured that the latest episode was just that, so he stayed put.

Suddenly, however, he filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. The drunk started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently, in an attempt to free himself of the sheets. He ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had witnessed the entire incident, walked up to him and asked, "What the heck is going on?"

The drunk, still staring down at the sheets, replied, "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."

*****************
A man hasn't had sex for ages. He goes to Japan on a business trip and finds a prostitute who can't speak English. They have sex, and all the time, she's shouting "oleo, oleo!" They finish and she leaves. The man feels very pleased with himself, and the man thinks that 'oleo' must mean brilliant.

The next day, he meets with the president of the Japanese company and they decide to discuss business over a game of golf. The president makes a hole in one and the man claps and shouts "Oleo, oleo!" The president looks at him funny and says, "What do you mean, 'wrong hole?'

****************
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.

The father replies, "Well, you see that 3 pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night." The son then asks his father, "Well what's the 6 pack for?" The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.

Then the son asks his father what the 12 pack is for. The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March..."

**************
-Idiot Story-

A Sri Lankan man became cat chow when he jumped naked into a lion�s den. According to officials, the man had written a letter before jumping into the enclosure saying he wanted to give alms to the lions. The man was rescued by zoo staff and onlookers who beat garbage cans to frighten the lions away and took him to a nearby hospital. The three lions bit off parts of his arms, legs, chest and groin area. Sri Lanka�s majority Buddhist population believes that giving alms can earn merit for future incarnations.

*************

-Idiot Story-

A 30-year-old man took eating junk food to the extreme when he swallowed 39 metal and plastic knives, forks, spoons and even lighters during the course of a year. The man was rushed to Bekaa hospital in a state of suffocation after swallowing a piece of water pipe. According to Doctor Jihad Disouqi, The weight of the metal and other things he swallowed was heavy, but it did not tear the stomach. He also did not suffer any serious illness before and no one discovered what he had been doing. The man, who obviously suffers from a psychological problem, is reported to be in stable condition.

************

Lessons in Romance

Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather
stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an
anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following their
leads.

He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker
towards his wife�s cup and said, "Sugar, sugar?" Joe thought this
was great and continued to listen around the dining room.

Another table over Joe observed the following. A man spooned out some
honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, "Honey, honey?" Again Joe
thought this was good stuff.

Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young
wife�s eyes and said, "Ham, pig?"

***************

AT&T (Revenge On Telemarketers)

One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of
you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by

a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such
occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call
was from

AT&T and it went something like this:

Me: Hello

AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?

Me: May I ask who is calling?

AT&T: This is AT&T.

Me: OK, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking
that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. Much to
my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still
waiting.

Me: Hello?

AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?

Me: May I ask who is calling please?

AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?

Me: Yes, is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: The phone company?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.

AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.

Me: I already have a phone.

AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.

Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for
calling.

When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can
express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not
interested", but this lady was persistent.

AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24
hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a
minute but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see
that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a
little ciphering.

Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?

AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes
sir that's right! 24 hours a day!

Me: 7 days a week?

AT&T: That's right.

Me: 365 days a year?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!

AT&T: We think so!

Me: That's quite a sum of money!

AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it ads up.

Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one
big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you
send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?

AT&T: Excuse me?

Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

AT&T: What are you talking about?

Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7
days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008
per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how
you will be making payment.

AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10
cents a minute. Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd
give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?

AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......

Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll
give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute?
Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read
about things like this in the Enquirer you know. Don't use your
alien brainwashing techniques on me!

AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....

Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!

AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary.

Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?

AT&T: What?

Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!

AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold on.

So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin
to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few
minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:

Supervisor: Mr. Byron?

Me: Yeth?

Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10
cents a minute program.

Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?

Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could
do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce
a snort.

Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me
so that I could sign up for the plan. Supervisor: OK, no problem,
I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.

Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and was getting really hungry. I needed
to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but
polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in
signing up for our plan?

Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can
never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really
like to have a little brother...

AT&T: (click)

***************

Be happy with your penis size
A man with a 20-inch penis went to his doctor to complain that he was unable to get any women to have sex with him because they all told him that his penis was too long.

"Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "Is there any way you can shorten it?"

The doctor replied, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But I do know a witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gave him directions to the witch's place.

The man went to see the witch the next day, and told her his sad Joke.

"Witch, my penis is 20 inches long, and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?"

The witch asked him to pull it out so she could have a look at it. The man uncoiled his 20-inch penis. The witch stared in amazement, scratched her head, and then replied, "I think I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to this pond deep in the forest. In the pond you will see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. You must ask the frog, 'will you marry me?' Each time the frog declines your proposal, your penis will be 4 inches shorter."

The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He came upon the pond and, sure enough, there sat the frog on a log. He uncoiled his huge python-like penis and called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?"

The frog looked at him with some disdain, and replied, "NO."

The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 4 inches shorter!

"WOW!" he screamed out loud. Then he said to himself, "This is great! But it's still too long at 16 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again."

Once more he shouted to the frog, "Frog, will you marry me?"

The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"

The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 4 inches shorter! The man laughed, and shouted, "This is fantastic!"

He looked down at his penis once more, and by now it was only 12 inches long, so he reflected for a moment. "Twelve inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal," he thought. "So, I'll ask the frog to marry me ONE more time."

Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog, will you marry me?"

The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head in frustration and said, "NO! NO! . . . and for the last time, NO!"

*******************

Photovoltaic cells; you know those small black panels you see on the face of light-powered calculators and watches?

These photovoltaic cells can be in panels dozens of feet square and are used to power beacons, warning lights and other pieces of electrical equipment that can't be wired for electricity.

People logically assume that they can be used to power houses and buildings, therefore reducing greenhouse gases.

Well you can. The problem arises from the fact that it takes more energy to fabricate photovoltaic cells than they will return in their entire lifetime.

******************

Warning on curling irons: Do not insert anally.
*****************

Sex Ed

A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex ed. to her class. She starts
out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, "Does
anyone know what this is?"

And little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!"

And the teacher says, "Are you sure about that?"

And little Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the
bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter's teeth."

*******************
Three Tough Mice

There were three city mice sitting at a bar. The first mouse
takes a shot of tequila, slams the glass on the table and says,
"I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I walk
throughout the house collecting mouse poison, return to my nest
and grind up the pellets with my morning coffee -- just for an
extra jolt to start off each day."

The mice look at each other. The second mouse slams his whiskey
-- throws his glass on the floor and says, "I'm the toughest
mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I go up to the trap outside
my nest, I trip the lever and make the trap flip in the air, I
catch the bar on its way down, bench press it a few times, twirl
it over and over with my feet -- then I toss it to the floor, and
take the cheese for breakfast. It's all part of my morning
routine."

The third mouse looks at the other two. Bored with the
conversation, he sets down his glass of beer and says, "I've had
enough of you two. I'm going to go home and screw the cat."

*****************

Early one morning the lad finds his canary lying dead in the bottom of the cage, "Daddy, why is it lying there with its little legs in the air " he asks.

His father replies "Because he has died in the night and has lay like that so that God can reach down, grab his ankles and pluck him up into heaven."

The lad thinks for a while.

"Dad, I think that we should do something for the milkman for saving Mummy" he said "Just last week she was lying on the kitchen floor with her legs in the air shouting "God I'm coming" but the milkman was holding her down.

* * *

Farmer Brown goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.

The cocky young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, "Ok, old fella, time to retire."

The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens. Look at what it did to me!"

The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this old man. It's time for the old to step aside and the young to take over -- so take a hike!"

The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon, just let me have those two old hens over there in the corner. I won't bother you."

The young rooster snarls, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"

The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farmhouse with you. Whoever wins the race gets full domain over the chicken coop."

The young rooster smiles, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man. So just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start."

The two roosters line up in back of the farmhouse. A hen clucks "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running.

About 5 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is only inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

Farmer Brown, sitting on the porch, hearing the commotion, looks up and sees what's going on. Quickly, he grabs his shotgun and BOOM! The young rooster is blown to smithereens!

Farmer Brown sadly shakes his head in disgust: "Damnit! That makes the third gay rooster I bought this week."

* * *

A man in a bar is enjoying his drink when he hears a voice say, "You look great!"

He looks around, but there is nobody near him. He hears the voice again: "No, really, you look just terrific!"

Again he looks around. Nobody.

A few minutes pass, and again he hears the voice: "Is that a new shirt or something? Because you look absolutely stunning!"

At this point the man realizes that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar. "Hey," the man calls to the bartender, "What's with these nuts?"

"Oh," the bartender answers, "they're complimentary."

*******************

<><><><>

RUFUS AND CLARENCE

There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks.... Rufus and Clarence.

They lived on opposite sides of the river, and they hated each other. Every morning, just after sun-up, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other.

"Rufus!!" Clarence would shout. "You better thank yor lucky stars I cain't swim.... er I'd swim this river and whup your butt!!"

"Clarence!!!" Rufus would holler back. "You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I cain't swim... er I'd swim this river and whup your skinny butt!!!"

This happened every morning for twenty years.

One day the Army Corps of Engineers came along and built a bridge. Still, every morning, every day for another five years this yelling across the river goes on, even with the bridge.

Finally....Mrs.Rufus had had enough. "Rufus!" she squallers one day. "I cain't take no more!! Ever day for 25 years you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence. Well, there's the bridge......have at it."

Rufus thought for a minute. Chewed his bottom lip for another minute. "Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place, "I'm gonin' across that thar bridge and I'm gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"

He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway over the bridge, looked up.....

TURNED TAIL AND RAN SCREAMING BACK TO THE HOUSE, SLAMMED THE DOOR, BOLTED THE WINDOWS, GRABBED THE SHOTGUN AND DOVE, PANTING AND GASPING, UNDER THE BED!!!!!

"Rufus!" cried the Missus. "I thought you wuz gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"

"I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered.

"Rufus!" cried the Missus. "What in tarnation is the matter?"

"Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, "I went to the bridge...... I stepped up on the bridge..... walked halfway over the bridge.... looked up....."

"And?" asked Mrs. Rufus, breathless with suspense.

"And," continued Rufus, "I saw a sign that said, 'Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches'. He ain't never looked that big from the other side of the river!!!!!!!"
******************

Anagrams

Rated PG

An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or
rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are
exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has far too much spare
time or is deadly at Scrabble.

George Bush: When you rearrange the letters: He Bugs Gore

Dormitory: When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room

Evangelist: When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent

Desperation: When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code: When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots

Slot Machines: When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in Em

Animosity: When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity

Mother-in-law: When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms: Wen you rearrange the letters: Alas No More Z's

A Decimal Point: When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes: When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two: When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one

President Clinton of the USA: It can be rearranged into: To Copulate he
finds Interns

***************

Mischevious Baby Stork

Two storks are sitting in their nest - a father stork and baby
stork. The baby stork is crying so the father stork is trying to
calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's
only bringing people babies and making them happy."

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son
are sitting in the nest, ans the baby stork is crying again. The
mother says, "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible,
but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."

A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate because their
son has been absent from the nest all night! Shortly before
dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all
night.

The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the crap out of
college students!"

***************

Hooker Finance
The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street , the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.

She said "well , he was a big muscular and handsome sailor".

"Well , what did he want to do?" They all asked.

She said " I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much".

So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn't have that much either".

"Finally I said, well how much do you have"?

The sailor said that he only had $25.

The new hooker said "well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand".

He agreed and after getting the finance straight, she said "he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then a second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand"

"Oh my god" they all exclaimed, it must have been huge,then what did you do?"

I loaned him $75!" she said.
*******

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