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Date Posted: 10:08:30 04/28/02 Sun
Author: juice
Author Host/IP: spider-wp054.proxy.aol.com / 205.188.201.199
Subject: is'nt it sooo much fun..............not
In reply to: Samantha 's message, "Riba...rage" on 05:51:50 04/28/02 Sun

get the shrink kiddo! i was on the celexa and it did work to a point. you might want an anti-anxiety med and the shrink should take care of that. i waited until i was 8 months into tx to get one and that was a BIG mistake. get one now...........frank

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Replies:

[> Mind over matter... -- Junobear, 11:44:19 04/28/02 Sun (216-220-252-168.midmaine.com/216.220.252.168)

Psychiatric side effects of treatment are 'treatable' -- but 'treatable' is not the same as 'curable.' Available treatments for psychiatric side effects [anti-depressants, etc.] knock the problem down to a dull roar so we can endure. Do not expect Celexa or anything else to restore your mental state to 'normal.' If it takes the edge off and allows you to endure to the end, it has done as good a job as it is cabable of doing.

The rest comes down to mind over matter. You must be stronger and wiser than the disease, stronger and wiser than the meds. Even with the help of the best psychiatrists, anti-depressants and other medications for side effects available, the treatment experience for some of us [alas, for most of us] is 'a long dark night of the soul.'

We learn on treatment we are stronger than the night. The strength we find in ourselves that we never knew we had is with us the rest of our lives.

I know, this is not good news. It is real news and you are strong enough to deal with it. The hard truth of the matter is, your 'normal' personality is not gone forever. But, probably, it is gone for the duration of treatment. As long as you are in the mental and emotional pit of treatment, you are not going to be 'yourself.' It is best, I think, to accept this and not dwell on it -- to set a goal to endure and survive to the end come hell or high water and forgive yourself for not being able to be yourself for the duration.

Tell yourself this as often as you need to tell yourself:

"Its the disease and the drugs that are doing this to me -- and they are not going to win. I am stronger than this disease. I am stronger than the mental and emotional poisen I have to put in my body to try to get rid of it. I will live and survive in this pit as long as I have to because this is what I have to do to beat this disease and be done with it. I know I will be myself again when treatment is over. Until that day, these feelings are not real and I refuse to give them power. There is light at the end of the tunnel and every day I endure is another day closer to the light..."

I was really angry and crazy on treatment too. I hated the 'feel' of the riba way more than the 'feel' of the interferon. It feels like 'speed.' I remember describing the feeling of the riba as, "I feel like a crazed gerbil on coke is running round and round to nowhere on his little wheel in my head. If I could only stop him, strangle him, kill him or put him to sleep, I would be fine..."

Putting him to sleep was a better solution than allowing him to run rampant. Insomnia [a common side effect of treatment] made 'life with the gerbil' ten times worse, because when we suffer from insomnia on top of depression, the #@*% gerbil never goes to sleep and the longer he's awake, the crazier he makes us feel. Sleeping pills [a prescription for Ambien for the duration of treatment] were a godsend for me. If insomnia is part of what you are suffering, ask for a prescription for sleeping pills and use them to 'take the edge off' some of the riba-insanity. Laying awake staring at the ceiling at 4:00 in the morning with the gerbil running round and round is a form of suffering it is not necessary to suffer. What a relief when the riba-gerbil is 'active' and making us crazy to be able to drug the little b#@*&% and make him lay down and go to sleep!

Sometimes, being angry was what I needed to be to get through another day of fighting the dragon for my life. Try to harness the anger and use it as fuel to fight the disease. Be angry at the virus -- rage against it and threaten it with all manner of murder and mayhem. Try to the best of your ability not to direct it at family and friends.

Understand you will 'slip' and lash out at family and friends no matter how hard you try not to. Explain to them its the drugs and ask them to bear with you and love you and support you in spite of it. Explain to them it is not something they did -- it is something the drugs are doing to you. Friends who are real friends do not abandon us when we explain this to them and help them understand.

Is it worth it? Is all this suffering worth it in the end? For sustained responders, the answer is a resounding "Yes!" Quality of life without the virus is a whole lot better than quality of life living with it. It takes a good 6-12 months after treatment to be 'normal' again -- but sustained responders eventually end up as sane and smart and strong and able as 'the normals.' For the 40-50% of us for whom treatment works, yes, the outcome is worth every miserable minute of it!

For non-responders and relapsers, I leave the answer to that question to non-responders and relapsers. I responded and have not experienced what they have experienced. For some, there is bitterness at enduring all those side effects and all that suffering for nothing. For others, there is satisfaction in having 'fought the good fight' and improved the condition of their livers regardless of the outcome.

There is no way to know who will respond to treatment and who will not except to cast one's fate to the wind and try it. Its kind of like the lottery, "You've got to be in it to win it..."

No matter how bad the treatment experience sucks for you, hon -- take it from one who endured to the end and now gets to live the rest of her life without 'Cyrus the Virus' -- it is worth it and then some when we win.

I am here for you every step of the way and so is everyone on this board. Reach into your gut and find the strength to endure. It is there and you will find it.


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[> [> Bravo. -- terry, 13:32:26 04/28/02 Sun (NoHost/66.84.232.187)


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[> [> Wow Lady. Once you got that gerbil gone, you're one awesome woman!! -- susinni, 01:35:12 04/30/02 Tue (adsl-64-170-194-21.dsl.snfc21.pacbell.net/64.170.194.21)

(but WE knew that!!)


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