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Date Posted: 13:58:13 04/28/02 Sun
Author: hep_Rick
Author Host/IP: dialup-64.157.177.172.Dial1.Tampa1.Level3.net / 64.157.177.172
Subject: How Do All ?

I have returned from the dead to haunt the boards once again..muhahahahahahaha...just kiddin' ;-)

There comes a time when truths cannot be denied. There is no doubt that, in my specific case, Hepatitis C Virus IS responsible for ruining my life.

Timing is everything, and I AM one of the 20 % of us that fibrosed beyond F-1; and onto cirrhosis. It is unfortunate for me to have been on the early part of the "curve" regarding HCV treatment regimes; and unfortunate to have injsected over 550 Interferon (mostly high dose daily) injections. And unfortunate to have consumed hundreds and hundreds of Ribavirin Pills...

The overall results of this is that I DID buy some time.... THAT was my goal. The therapies also caused mental exacerbations (as they have recently discovered w/in last 2 yrs) in a large proportion of people on any HCV therapy (this testing was done on Schering-Plough products only). I now have permanent severe Bipolar Disorder + .

My very reason for living was to have the non-dysfunctioanl family that I never enjoyed. I did my best to accomplish this and the results are 2 honor students in advanced classes. They also are active in community service; like their dad. I credit mom with most of this, as she did the homework with them, with me occasionally helping. My son is 12 and my daughter is 14

I have tried my best to be a good father and husband. I started therapies in 1995 and ended in 1999/April 6... (diagnosed in 1990).

4 years of therapy took its toll on all of us. Then the lingering systemic problems, liver damage and manifestations and the worse; the Bipolar Disorder (Manic-Depression), made things continually worse in my family life.

Now divorce rears its ugly head. My wife simply does not want to live with a "bi-polar" who has cirrhosis and HCV.

HCV divorce rate is 75%. Bipolar Disorder divorce rate is 95%... I have been up against terribly low odds for so long. I now lose my family.

It is likely for the best; as I have received little to mostly NO support from my wife. When I tell her I need family support too; she says " no, this is YOUR problem and NOT mine/ours. The truth can become clear...and sometimes it really hurts.

I am currently in limbo, and some proceeding will begin next week. The early times will hurt the most.

Susie can attest to the changes she has likely witnessed since first meeting me in Virginny.

I will hang in and go forward. I have a life to live. I will still be a Father to my children.

OUCH this hurts...:-(

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Replies:

[> I am so very sorry ((((((Rick))))) -- Brenda, 14:48:42 04/28/02 Sun (netcache-1112.public.svc.webtv.net/209.240.222.32)


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[> [> Thank You Brenda -- hep_Rick, 10:40:27 04/29/02 Mon (dialup-67.24.140.55.Dial1.Tampa1.Level3.net/67.24.140.55)


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[> [> i am so sorry for you i can relate to how you feel !! -- Donna, 19:58:45 04/29/02 Mon (pawilk-apx1-123-32.du.uplink.net/209.173.123.33)


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[> We've never really gotten to know each other Rick...but... -- terry, 15:57:25 04/28/02 Sun (NoHost/66.84.232.187)

One year ago next week I began my search for first comfort, then knowledge in this stinking disease. I was a wreck (as everyone is) when I first hit the WebMD board that week and you were there giving me the good advice and info. I remember it well. You've done more than many in comforting and informing those that come to these boards in their initial panic. You have become active and outspoken in our plight to inform the ignorant. For that I salute you Rick. I'm very sorry to hear things have turned for the worse for you. If there is anything I can do let me know. I will gladly give back what you were so willing to give me in the beginning of this unfortunate journey, if there is anything that can be given. Take care Rick...I hope this all works out for you somehow........terry


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[> [> TY Terry, I appreciate your concerns and will be hanging around.. ;-) -- hep_Rick, 10:37:51 04/29/02 Mon (dialup-67.24.140.55.Dial1.Tampa1.Level3.net/67.24.140.55)


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[> Momma said there'd be days like this...... -- Perry, 15:59:58 04/28/02 Sun (netcache-1112.public.svc.webtv.net/209.240.222.32)

Chicken soup won't fix this one (sigh).....(((Rick))) you have a dark road ahead, but let those of us who YOU have helped so much in the past be the lights to guide you. I wish you peace, freedom from pain, and love.......always here for you - BIG HUGS, Bonnie


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[> [> Re: Momma lied..it's much worse... -- hep_Rick, 10:46:59 04/29/02 Mon (dialup-67.24.140.55.Dial1.Tampa1.Level3.net/67.24.140.55)

well, momma has been divorced 4 times... I wuz hoping....well - never-mind.

:-(
Rick


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[> Re: How Do All ? -- Doris, 16:38:34 04/28/02 Sun (px3cv.gv.shawcable.net/24.64.223.205)

Rick, I want you to know how your honesty has touched me. I have a 24 year old daughter who is bi-polar; like HCV, it is such a stigmatised disease. Support and understanding are critical with both illness'. It saddens me that your wife cannot offer her support freely; but it certainly looks like you have a few very good, and gratfeul friends here. Hang onto them when the road gets bumpy...and thank you for posting so much good info over at Webmd. Hoping things get better for you soon.
Doris


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[> [> TY and please give her a very understanding HUG, from me... -- hep_Rick, 10:50:16 04/29/02 Mon (dialup-67.24.140.55.Dial1.Tampa1.Level3.net/67.24.140.55)


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[> Re: How Do All ? -- Feather, 16:45:28 04/28/02 Sun (ip191039.dialup.wvnet.edu/129.71.191.39)

Dear Rick, I am so sorry to hear this. You and I have much in common. I too,am in the group that has cirhosis. Only I couldn't make it past 3mos. of riba and interferon as it almost killed me. I have had many mental problems since treatment including encephalopathy and not offically; but with the psych telling me I have it sometimes I have manic-depression. I have gotten bad bloodwork and now I have a new doc who treated many people with HCV and HIV in Newark, NJ. He is sending me to a pain clinic and Pittsburg to get on the transplant list. So, I do understand what's happening to you and I empathize. I don't know yet what will happen to my marriage; but my family can't really understand. I am sending you my prayers and big hugs, Feather Hare Krsna


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[> [> ((((((((((((((((FEATHER)))))))))))))) -- hep_Rick, 10:58:44 04/29/02 Mon (dialup-67.24.140.55.Dial1.Tampa1.Level3.net/67.24.140.55)

You are such a loving person Feather... This is one of your traits that sticks out like a giant lollipop. ;-)

Good things will come for you, there is no way that it can't. You know I may not understand or agree with HARE KRSHNA, but your soul is a shining star regardless.

Thank you for your reply, and I wish the best for you.

I will pray for you too.

Rick


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[> Re: How Do All ? -- William, 17:07:50 04/28/02 Sun (spider-ti083.proxy.aol.com/152.163.194.213)

I appreciate your candor in such matters. It is difficult to imagine life without family, and seemingly little support. However the love and understanding that one finds here is of utmost import. You have always been here for others and that will surely give you comfort of sorts.

Not sure how you feel on spiritual matters, but that has been the "One" thing that has worked for me. You see, after twenty three years of active insanity, accompaning drug addiction, and alcholism, as well as many of the symptoms of Bi Polar dysfunctionality [unable to confirm a diagnosis because of usage] the power of prayer has been the only thing that has kept me from commiting suicide.

That is the truth however blunt it seems.I am being totally honest with you. Until I turned my will and my life over to the care of a God of my understanding, and stopped trying to control other people, places, and things in my life I was totally out of control. Note: a loving God, not the one that I was raised with. Hellfire, and Brimstone type.

When I was on treatment[20 months total, both peg, and regular with ribavirin] I was afraid to leave the house, answer the phone, or even be in the company of other people. There has been a 180 degree turn in my life. Still suffer from the effects of the Hepatitis, however the change in attitude has been a revelation. My wife has been on the verge of leaving for some time now, and the other day her life seemed to turn around as well. Whether or not she decides to go, I will continue to work to survive on a daily basis no matter what may come.

Hope that this gives you some comfort, and please know that I am not preaching, nor am I suggesting that my way is the way for you. I am merely relaying my personal experience. I have been set free from many of my earthly cares, and that in itself has taken away much worry about tomorrow. For we really only have the day to deal with.

Carpi Diem.
AGAPE my friend and may you find relief here, if nowhere else. I too and a convert from Web MD, and do not wish to return there for any reason.

God bless and comfort you in this trying time.

With all due respect:
Sincerely,
William


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[> [> TY William -- hep_Rick, 11:07:22 04/29/02 Mon (dialup-67.24.140.55.Dial1.Tampa1.Level3.net/67.24.140.55)

I too am of the Christian persuasion in general. I do also believe in God. I am working to stregthen this. I also beleive in a loving God, and not a mean one...lol

Compassion is the common thread in all major religions. I am a religious optomist and look for commonalities rather than differences...

I hope we all go to heaven.

Kindest Regards,

Rick


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[> My Buddy -- Susie, 17:42:47 04/28/02 Sun (bgp425870bgs.union01.nj.comcast.net/68.36.197.75)

Rick, I don't have words to tell you just how badly I feel. I remember well discussing this with you and how much you didn't want it to happen. Just remember that when God closes a door he often opens a window. You put your all into saving this marriage. No one could ask for more. You have done a wonderful job with your children and you can be proud of all that you have achieved.

We will always be here for you. Just ask if we can help. Please try to make Pennsylvania in July. I want everyone to get to know the Rick I know. And call any time, buddy.


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[> [> Thank You my hepaitically challenged Friend... ;-) -- hep_Rick, 11:15:16 04/29/02 Mon (dialup-67.24.140.55.Dial1.Tampa1.Level3.net/67.24.140.55)

I really have tried, and she really hasn't. Perhaps it is too much for her to handle. I will always love my wife; even after we are divorced. I do feel like a thrown away human being... I'll get over it in time.

I love you Susie,

Rick


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[> Re: How Do All ? -- Judiperfume, 18:57:01 04/28/02 Sun (adsl-34-30-162.mia.bellsouth.net/67.34.30.162)

I am so sorry to hear that your life is so full of pain now. You have done a wonderful job with your children, and you know that you are going to continue to be the best of fathers. I wish you the strength to keep fighting, and you are in my prayers.

Judi


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[> [> TY Judi..I will move on... ;-) -- hep_Rick, 13:00:03 04/30/02 Tue (dialup-67.24.137.111.Dial1.Tampa1.Level3.net/67.24.137.111)


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[> Ohhhhhh, Rick.....DAMNIT!!!!! -- toosh, 19:21:22 04/28/02 Sun (dhcp024-209-033-060.neo.rr.com/24.209.33.60)

I hate to hear so much unhappiness from you! You have been so instrumental in helping COUNTLESS heppers....you are a very special person! Like a few others have said....you couldn't have worked any harder than you did on your marraige and you have these WONDERFUL kids to show for it! You come here and vent....or just get a hug any damn time! Also...you have my number....for such a little shit I got big shoulders and ears(goofy as hell looking tho)!!

Take good care, my friend!! smoooooooch.......Carol


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[> Re: How Do All ? -- Bill, 19:52:33 04/28/02 Sun (ppp57.mtholly.eticomm.net/208.9.146.57)

Rick,
My name is Bill. My wife is Theresa. She has the illness but I do not. Your story is gut wrenching. I don't know what to say. It sounds like you have been delt a cruel test of faith.
I've been sitting here for about 15 minutes writing then deleting and writing and deleting somemore and I realize that I can't do or say anything that will take your pain away.
I can only promise you that Theresa and I will be here for you and you will be in our thoughts and prayers.
God Bless You and Stay Strong,
Bill


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[> Re: How Do All ? -- Cat, 21:25:30 04/28/02 Sun (02-068.046.popsite.net/64.24.231.68)

We don't really know each other, but I want you to know that I am sorry to hear of your pain. I have read many many posts of yours and I know that you always go above and beyond to help and educate others.

(((Rick)))


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[> ***Rick*** -- Anna, 21:30:15 04/28/02 Sun (ip68-1-115-246.pn.at.cox.net/68.1.115.246)

I don't know what to say,,,damn,,,this is so hard. You'll remain in my prayers. If there's anything I can do to help just 'holler'. My email's on this & Carol has my # if you need a break not too terribly far from home. You are living my nightmare Rick & I am so sorry. Love you more than my brother, Anna (aka dudesmom)


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[> This sucks! -- Patsy, 21:31:05 04/28/02 Sun (Toronto-HSE-ppp3668921.sympatico.ca/65.95.177.182)

(((Rick))) I know how hard you've tried to keep things together--your marriage, your family...and yourself--and all the while helping other people--including me!! I wish there was some way for me to return the favour, dammnittt!!!

I FUCKING HATE HEPATITIS C!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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[> Re: How Do All ? -- Karren, 23:09:47 04/28/02 Sun (HubX-mcr-24-95-111-59.midsouth.rr.com/24.95.111.59)

Rick,

I am so sorry to hear of this awful news. You have helped me soooo much on WebMD and through e-mails. You were the first (my doc did not even know) to tell me about blueberries. So here is a wish that the Bluebird of Happiness will somehow find you for you definitely have been through some very rough times without needing this. I hope and pray, like the rest of us, that there is some way that you two can work this out, if not remember we are all here for you.

Karren


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[> (((((Rick))))) I am so sad that you are at this turning in your life... -- susinni, 23:12:51 04/28/02 Sun (adsl-64-167-150-183.dsl.snfc21.pacbell.net/64.167.150.183)

But, like you said, maybe it's for the better in some ways... sometimes, when our partner/family cannot, for some or any reason, hold up a Support role, having that partner/family can block the possibilities of what could be a Support. (I swear it made sense coming out of my head, it's just my words that are mixing it up. Maybe re-read it, and it'll make sense?)

Sometimes I'm grateful that I went thru diagnosis and treatment, and no-viral-clearance alone -- without expecting a support system. Then, what I did find, was a big beautiful bonus!! May you find a beautiful bonus... (((Rick))) --susi


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[> ((((Rick)))) -- Jane, 10:32:27 04/29/02 Mon (216-70-239-172-cust.telepacific.net/216.70.239.172)

This hurts like hell but it will too pass. You will always be the father of your children and no one can take that from you. Big Huggs to you Rick and thanks for all the help you have given everyone in the Hep C community.
Luv, Faith, Hope,
Jane


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[> Trying to put myself in your shoes......... -- teegz, 11:26:47 04/29/02 Mon (NoHost/12.96.202.1)

and know I really can't. I'm so sorry to hear all this krap and know in my heart of hearts that you will overcome this too.

Be well.

Susan


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[> Sorry to hear all this...... -- Kegster, 11:27:19 04/29/02 Mon (03-102.110.popsite.net/66.19.109.102)

I sincerely hope things will look up for you in the future.I guess we just have to take it on the chin and keep getting up till you wear them down. Hang in there guy..and remember....This is NOT a real life. Had this BEEN a real life,we would have been told WHERE to go,and WHAT to do!!!


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[> Rick, You Have Mail... -- Junobear, 18:08:26 04/29/02 Mon (216-220-249-61.midmaine.com/216.220.249.61)

This has been coming for a long time, Rick -- as long as I have known you. Back in 98-99 when I was 'crazed on combo' and you were doing the high dose daily Infergen, it almost came down to divorce then. I remember that a lot of the problem then was that she was 'hepper-phobic,' could not deal with the HCV, it was 'your problem,' it ruined 'her life.' Selfish!

I am sorry you never received the love and support 'in sickness and in health' a husband deserves to receive from a wife. Life for you is going to be better when this is over. You have no chance of ever being loved in this marriage. You have a chance when the marriage is over.

Check your email ((((Rick))))


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[> Re: How Do All ? -- sugarB, 10:58:05 04/30/02 Tue (07-089.067.popsite.net/64.24.78.89)

Pain is only the feeling of God stiching on your angle wings
When my daughter tried to commit suacide my face turned to the lord and my heart was broken beond my minds repair, Ive had to seek profesional help and support from here too.The shame is something that we dont speek of often but we all get our share of shame , we are human and we falter we must forgive ourselves as the lord forgives us , my heart wont break for you because I love you , we will probably never meet , but I have felt your pain and fear and anger and dispair . My divorce was very shamefull and painfull and it took 10 years to find love agin but I did , There is love out there for you too , it may not be in the female form of wife , but LOVE never dies and is always out there looking for a home , open your heart and lift your head once every day , do it for me, do it for him, do it for you !!! sincerly sugarB


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