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Date Posted: 05:45:49 10/04/01 Thu
Author: Grubby
Subject: Punks

Boy, those punk rockers! They sure are everywhere these days, aren't they? Are your friends turning P.R. while you drag behind? Worry no more. Help is here. While it may look downright difficult to be a punk, it's actually quite simple. Here are a few pointers to get you on the path to punkdom.

Complain about Green Day nonstop. Say that they are posers and whine about how much they suck. In the record stores, loudly proclaim your boycott of Lookout Records for ever putting out Green Day records. And if you happen to like them, be sure to emphasize that you liked 'em way before they became popular.

When people are talking about the new Rancid CD, be sure to throw in your opinion. Say that you hate Rancid because they are posers, but don't forget to mention that you heard the CD at some kid's house and that it reminds you of Operation Ivy. This not only shows that you are too punk to listen to Rancid at your own house, it also displays your punk rock credibility by referring to Operation Ivy. (Ska points!)

It's really important to dye your hair if you want to be a punk rocker. The best way to do it is to get the Punky Colours dye. Popular colours include purple and green; but dying your hair gets expensive, so you might want to get your friends together and all chip in a little bit. Then you can be an ensemble of nonconformists by sharing the same color dye.

Go to shows and mosh a lot. Be sure to hit the people who haven't done anything to you. You should mosh all the time, even during slow or acoustic songs. Moshing proves that you are a true punk rocker and that you are capable of amazing physical feats.

Talk like you're a cockney, even if you're from yorkshire. Say things like "not bloody likely!" and "bollocks." Remember to sneer a lot.

Make up some band names. Tell everybody that they're really good, so underground that they don't even have a tape. If people become suspicious, claim that they broke up.

Some might say that punks don't bathe. Nonsense. It's perfectly feasible to maintain stellar hygiene while keeping your punk rock look happenin'. The trick is patchouli oil. After you bathe, smear the oil all over your army jacket. Rub some dirt on the jacket, too. Voila. Instant " I don't bathe and this is how I look because I am a ruffian who plays in the dirt" look.

The next time somebody brings up Jawbreaker, launch into a tirade about how Jawbreaker used to be good until they sold out. This is an opportune moment to, as with the Green Day idea, mention how you liked Jawbreaker way before they were signed, and they now suck.

Always quote song lyrics! It's easier than thinking, and it makes you look deep.

Show that you are a true punk by wearing anarchy symbols all over your clothes. Draw the anarchy symbol everywhere. Draw draw draw. Who cares if you actually know what it means? Anarchy is cool, and that is all that you need to know. If anyone challenges you, clench your fists and yell, "Anarchy in the U.K., motherfucker!" and then proceed to play Sex Pistols songs in air guitar stance.

Wow! It's NOFX! They are the true punks, really they are. To show how punk YOU are, have lots of NOFX shirts and what not. Sing their songs all the day through. All the poser punks will be amazed because they don't know who NOFX is. Really.

By following these simple guidelines, it should be easy as spelling "punk" to be cool. Up and at 'em, sugarplum.

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