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Date Posted: 12:03:08 10/04/02 Fri
Author: The Darkling
Subject: Re: Friday Mindless Humour - now for some Southernisms
In reply to: Renee 's message, "Friday Mindless Humour" on 09:25:31 10/04/02 Fri

Rules In The South

Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

Just because one can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can't stay home the two days of the year it snows.

If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

Do not buy food at the movie store.

Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

There is nothing sillier than a northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.

People walk slower here.

Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

"He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.

If attending a funeral in the South: remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

Be very careful what you say to Southern women.. Just remember, they all have brothers and daddys.

Don't order a bottle of pop. Down here even Pepsi is called Co Cola.

Waffle Houses serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Don't order steak.

Don't go to the Cracker Barrel and order toast. If you do this everyone will know you're from Ohio. Just eat the biscuits like God intended.

Don't try to talk with a southern accent if you don't have one. Nothing makes us madder than a Southern wannabe. (see: Dan Ackroyd, Driving Miss Daisy).

We do not play lacrosse or any of those other sissy northern games, so don't be asking about those scores, 'cause we just don't care.

Most of us know how to speak proper English. We talk like we often do because we want to. It's kinda like playing Jazz, you have to know how to do it right.

By ALL means, do not try to tell us how to Bar B Que.

If someone mentions moonshine, for pete's sake don't look up trying to see it.

Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the tiniest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do. When you get there you will find they are out of bread and milk.

Never wear white shoes or carry white handbags before Easter or after Labor Day.

When in the South, when you order tea, it comes sweetened and with ice. If you want hot tea, you must specifically request it!

Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

Florida is not considered a Southern state (except Gainesville). There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.

As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, irectly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

If you don't know the difference between a Smokehouse,
a Springhouse, and an Outhouse, you'd best look for a Chevron station Minimart.

And last but not of least importance....
Never accept a Kudzu plant as a housewarming gift.

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