Re: Listen.... -- Poetry Grace and Insanity

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Date Posted: 02:51:38 02/08/00 Tue
Author: sandie_1308
Subject: Re: Listen....
In reply to: Chad R. Dobson 's message, "Re: Listen...." on 11:05:36 02/07/00 Mon

> Hi Sandie:) Here are some ways I would make this good
> poem better. Only suggestions:)
> See below.......
> > Listen....
> >
> > There's a great big teardrop
> > coming(try more descriptive verb, something prettier
> or more exotic) out of my eye.
> >
> > It's running down my cheek
> > all the way to my chin.
> >
> > Then it makes(same here, "make" is not a good word
> here, look through a thesaurus and find some cool
> synonyms:)a great big jump
> > and lands on the top of my hand.
> >
> > It makes a great big splash on my hand
> > and a great big sound in my ears,
> > which no one else can hear it(delete this "it"),
> > but(get rid of this "but", having just "I can" to
> end the poem makes it sound abrupt and serious even
> contemptuous) I can.
> >
> > copyright (c)sj, sandie_1308, 2000
> *Only my suggestions, keep up the good work and keep
> writing:)

Thanks Chad! I'll try to re-write it and repost later.

Sandie

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