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Date Posted: 10:20:33 04/25/00 Tue
Author: Jen ;-)
Subject: Re: Paths
In reply to: Rain 's message, "Paths" on 09:02:49 04/24/00 Mon

Hello Rain!
I'm Jen...nice to meet you...
Just a few comments on your piece...I like the thought process behind your words, yet they seem much too prosey for what I felt you were attempting to accomplish. This is obviously a piece of lament, but it seems to just miss that flow or rhythm that would make it more lyrical.
There was an excercise that one of my poetry teachers had us go thru once...she had us write out our piece, then take out all of the 'extra' words: ie, am is are was were be been being has have had a an the etc....
then find out what is really necessary...these are some of the words that can make our work prosey.
I think you have done a fine job of expressing your sentiment...just don't be afraid to manipulate what it showed up as on paper! You just might find you like the end result!

J


> Confusion is at every bend in the road
> And we look at each other full of fear
> As we come to the fork in the road
> Where we must choose our path
> Either together or apart
>
> I don't think you really know
> Which one my heart wants me to take
> Because my life is miserable
> With or without you around me
>
> I know you say you love me
> But I'm sure you know not
> What my own mind wants me to say
>
> I don't love you anymore I think
> I'm not sure if I ever did
> And I'm too afraid to tell you
> Because breaking your heart
> Is the last thing I want to do

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