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Date Posted: 18:26:10 08/29/01 Wed
Author: Saint Faucet
Author Host/IP: we-24-130-38-207.we.mediaone.net / 24.130.38.207
Subject: Oddfellow's Cheapass Birthday present

In a dank, dark hive of scum and villany, a giant worm sleeps in shadow on a giant pedestal. A few happy grunts escape the beast's nostrils. Behind it, robots lay powered down. In front of it, courters sprawl sleepily across the floor. Through the mists of the den's entrance carefully strolls a lone bounty hunter. The bounty hunter cautiously navigates through the piles of bodies. Arriving at a seemingly blank wall, the hunter raises a hand and a keypad appears. The hunter quickly types in the numbers 1-2-3-4 and a lock unseals. Two doors swing wide revealing a large chunk of ice with a very disconcerted looking Oddfellow stuck in the middle.

The bounty hunter pulls out a bottle and pours its contents on top of the ice.

Nothing happens.

The bounty hunter pulls out another bottle and pours its contents on top of the ice.

Still, nothing happens.

The bounty hunter pulls out a match, lights it and tosses it on the ice.

The ice becomes ablaze with flames and lights the room. The bounty hunter quickly slams the door shut and looks around. Nothing stirs.

The bounty hunter counts to five and then opens the door. A frozen, but slightly charbroiled Oddfellow falls out.

Oddfellow: Wh... where am I?

Bounty Hunter (in electronically garbled voice): The lair of the intergalactic crime lord, Grimace.

Oddfellow: Why can't I see... why is it so cold?

Bounty Hunter: The effects of the flash freezing will wear off soon.

Oddfellow: Where do babies come from?

Bounty Hunter: Storks.

Oddfellow: Who are you?

The bounty hunter removes its helmet to reveal a very strikingly beautiful woman.

Woman: Someone who loves you very...

Oddfellow: Chewie?

Woman: Wait a minute! You're not Han! Damnit! Stupid helmet blocking my vision!

The woman kicks the helmet and storms out muttering something about killing Lando under her breath.

Oddfellow stumbles to his feet.

Oddfellow: Hello? Anyone?

A deep, rumbling laugh echoes from the pedestal. The lights of the room slowly rise to reveal the now-awake, giant slug. The purple worm continues to laugh.

Grimace: Ho ho ho ho....

Oddfellow: Santa?

Grimace: I am the great Grimace. Now you will pay homage to my awesome power.

Oddfellow stumbles onto the platform and sits on Grimace's tale.

Oddfellow: Ooh for Christmas, can you please bring me a puppy, a pony, and a thermonuclear device, Santa? Please please please! With sugar on top, please!

Oddfellow blinks.

Oddfellow: Santa, why are you purple?

Grimace smacks Oddfellow off of him.

Grimace: Bah. For your insolence, you will be executed. Guards, put him in the iron maiden!

Oddfellow(faking an air guitar): EXCELLENT!

Grimace smacks itself across whatever passes for its forehead.

Grimace: On second thought, we'll just throw him into the Stable Plothole at the Center of the Desert.


From the pages of the Z-files, we proudly present...

(Proudly? What's up with that?)

Well at any rate, we present Oddfellow in his first solo series (and possibly last?):

The Odd Journeys

Episode 01: No need for Oddfellow

written by Aaron Hartman

Z-files series created/started by Tashi the Templar

Oddfellow created by Tim "Oddfellow" Hildyard

The cotton gin created by Eli Whitney.


A large barge skims across the surface of a desert. Overhead, two moons rise against the midday sun.

Oddfellow is tied to the center mast of the ship. Despite the fact that he's been captured, Oddfellow seems in good spirits.

Oddfellow(singing): Yo ho ho ho a pirate's life for me.

Grimace slithers out onto the deck and glares at one of his men.

Grimace: I thought I told you to gag the captive.

Toady #1: Sir. We've arrived at our destination!

Grimace: Excellent.

Grimace slithers over to Oddfellow.

Grimace: For your crimes against the sovereign nation of McDonald's, I hereby sentence you to be tossed into the depths of the only stable Plothole in the currently known galaxy. Does the victim have any last requests?

Oddfellow thinks for a few seconds.

Oddfellow: Hop on one foot.

Grimace looks down at where its feet used to be. Unfortunately, Grimace has either gotten too fat or evolved or something because it looks more like a giant slug than anything vaguely human (not that it was ever really that human-looking before).

Grimace (growling): That does it! THROW HIM IN!

Several of Grimace's henchmen cut Oddfellow loss and escort him onto a plank.

Oddfellow turns around and waves to Grimace.

Oddfellow: Don't worry! I'll be right back!

Grimace makes a motion with whatever passes for its hands and the plank is removed from under Odd's feet.

Odd falls and falls and falls... and is sucked into the plothole.

Grimace: Thank God that's over with.

Oddfellow comes flying back up through the plothole.

Oddfellow: Whee!

Oddfellow reachs the point where the plank was, pauses in mid-air, and falls back down through the plothole.

Grimace: What the hell was that?

Oddfellow bounces out of the plothole, does a flip and falls back in.

One of Grimace's crew pulls out a pair of binoculars and looks at the plothole.

Toady #2: Sir, it appears we have a problem.

Grimace: I know that you fool. Why doesn't he just stay on the other side?

Toady #2: Gnomes.

Grimace: Gnomes?

Toady #2: Gnomes. It looks like they've built a giant trampoline on the other side of the breach.

Grimace: Grr... Fire into the plothole! Destroy that trampoline.

Toady #3: Uh sir? No one in their right mind fires directly into a plothole. The results are supposedly catastrophic.

Grimace glares at the toady.

Grimace: Supposedly? Have you ever personally witnessed someone firing into a plothole and something bad coming of it?

The toady shakes its head in the negative.

Grimace: Have any of you seen this "something bad" happen? Anyone?

All the other toadies shake their heads.

Grimace: Then fire into the bloody plothole!

At the front of the barge, a panel drops down to reveal a huge laser cannon. The laser cannon adjusts itself downwards slightly. The barrel of the cannon begins to glow for a few seconds, before disgorging a huge volley of light directly in the plothole.

Nothing happens.

Grimace: See! Nothing bad? Is the trampoline destroyed?

Oddfellow falls through the plothole, but this time doesn't return.

The toady with the binoculars goes to the edge of the barge and looks over.

Grimace: What do you see?

Toady #2: It's the gnomes, sir. They're pissed that you destroyed their trampoline. They're giving me the finger.

Grimace wipes its hands together.

Grimace: Well whatever. We've rid the known universe of that Odd... fellow...

Grimace's sentence trails off as he sees Oddfellow tied back to the mast.

Oddfellow: That was fun! Let's do it again!

A look of fear comes over Toady #2's face.

Toady #2: Uh sir...

From the depths of the plothole rises the barrel of a giant gun. The barrel positions itself directly below the barge.

Grimace: WHAT?

Toady #2: Take cover!

A loud clicking sound is heard before a giant spear fires out the end of the gun's barrel. The spear pierces the ship and splits it in two.

Grimace: What the Hell was that?

Grimace looks at the spear in time to see a giant flag drop off its side. The flag reads "BANG!".

Grimace: I hate gnomes.

The two halves of the ship go flying off in separate directions and crash into the ground. Smoke rises from each half.

Oddfellow jumps off the side of one of the halves and looks around. Shielding his eyes from the sun, Oddfellow spies some snow-capped mountains off in the distance. Small, shiny dots can barely be made out taking off and landing.

Oddfellow shrugs and starts walking towards the mountain whistling the tune to "Frosty the Snowman".


To be continued...


Author's notes: Happy Birthday Odd! Hope you enjoyed the start of this new series. ^_^

- Aaron (or someone like him)

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