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Date Posted: 12:35:54 04/21/01 Sat
Author: Jim and the VanillaDog
Subject: Monkey Shit Returns

Return To Monkey Shit

Here I am, homeless, and on the lamb! I cannot believe this has happened to me, the Great one must be angry. I am driving down the highway, and there is no place for me to go. My monkey shit is gone, and all I have is my car, and this air freshener, stupid laws!

It all started a week ago, my great pile of monkey shit was on the carpet, and I had just learned that the microwave was not good for the monkey shit, and I finally was learning to cope. I took one of my good forks, placed a piece of monkey shit on it, and placed it over the open burner of the stove. The monkey shit sizzled, and put out a lovely stench, that cleared the air of the slight hint of air freshener smell that remained in my apartment. I was greatly relieved that the monkey shit was still very stinky.

Suddenly, there was a great big “pop”. The monkey shit broke into several flaming pieces, and went all over the apartment. The lovely stench of the monkey shit was replaced with a smell of burning curtains and carpet. In a minute the apartment was filled with smoke, and I looked for something to put out the fire. I poured some cooking oil on it, but it didn’t work, I ran outside.

I was standing outside and a red truck came up. Some men in hats came to me. They looked like they could save my monkey shit, so I asked them to please save my monkey shit! The person said he is a fireman, and he could only put out the fire. He told me that I could get my monkey shit once the fire is out.

I waited, and waited, and waited some more. The rats came out, and so did the roaches. I didn’t want to talk to the rats, but the roaches were ok, so they told me that from what they saw, it was unlikely that my monkey shit would be all right. They told me that it wasn’t a good idea to preserve my monkey shit with gasoline. They didn’t tell me why, but I guessed that gasoline does not preserve monkey shit well.

Soon, a police car came up, and I was hoping that he would not notice the missing air freshener in my car, and I waved to him so he would not notice it. Stupid laws! I think the roaches were talking to the policeman, I think they ratted me out! I thought only the rats would do that. The policeman started to walk toward me. Oh no! I’m going to go to jail forever on a roaches’ testimony! What can I do, I thought.

I decided to run to the car. I didn’t have the keys, but I hit the dashboard and it started up. These great American cars! It knows who I am! It must have been malfunctioning, because it wouldn’t let me steer at first. Finally, after forcing it to steer a few times, the car realized who I was, and I could steer.

I went down the road and stopped at a gas station, seeing my tank was empty from using it on the monkey shit. I bought an air freshener as not to raise suspicions. Stupid Laws! I then went onto the highway and Began heading south. “It would be easier to drive and go into places if I was wearing clothes”, I thought. The thought passed my mind “maybe the policeman wanted to get me some clothes”. No, that is impossible, because policemen would only want to take your clothes off, or something like that, I heard it on the news. Now what am I going to do? I am running from the law and I am naked! I will look for some clothes, and then I don’t know. Maybe someday, I will find some more monkey shit, and start a new life. Will the great one forgive me? I don’t know, but I will see. I wish I had a small piece of monkey shit to burn in the ashtray. It would help extinguish the sickenly sweet smell of the air freshener. Stupid Laws!

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