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Date Posted: 17:32:01 05/12/00 Fri
Author: Jim M
Subject: History of assholes

The History of Assholes

Assholes are all around us, in every crevice of society, assholes are often not written about, because most victims of assholes are embarrassed about being their victims. I am going to define different types of assholes, explaining how assholes shape history over the centuries. I will start with the earliest cave assholes, and come to the most modern assholes, the cyber-assholes. Assholes know no race, border, or time. Assholes are the cause of all the strife and suffering in the world of the past and now.

The Cave Asshole

This is where it all started. The cave asshole didn’t care about the other cave men and women. The cave asshole would piss and shit in the cave whenever it was raining. The cave asshole gave everyone crabs because he wouldn’t go to the medicine man to cure it. He didn’t care, the cave asshole wanted to do as little as possible, the cave asshole would pretend to be sick on the day of the hunt, and would eat the most meat. Because the cave asshole was at the cave the most, he bred the most, starting the vicious cycle for mankind.

Early Assholes That Shaped History

Satan is an asshole of biblical proportions. He is the king of the assholes, and rules in a half ass manner like his subjects. Satan has much written about him, and if you would like to know more about him, you can see volumes on him in the major religions. Now to move on to other assholes of the world. Satan is responsible for problems throughout history, and is well covered already.

Ghengis Khan now there is a real asshole! He was raiding towns, villages, etc., and raped the women, causing more assholes to be born. China erected the Great wall to keep him and the other assholes out, but it didn’t work for long. There is a genetic disposition to being an asshole, but it still has to be learned.

Ramses he was the asshole (and generations before him) that enslaved the Jews. The Jews are really ok, despite the assholes that think being well off is bad, except for them. You see, assholes are not always obvious. The Jews are like they are because they are the targets of most assholes. Moses had a lot of balls going to Ramses to free the Jews, Sometimes it takes big balls and friends in high places to get things done.

Ancient Greek Society need I say more?

Caligula Caesar Refer to Ancient Greek Society.

Nero what an asshole he was. He is the first asshole to appear in the art of music, and it went to hell from there. This asshole burned his own city, and played the violin while it burned. No one ever found the sheet music, because of a fire at the time. It was probably of poor taste, like Marylyn Manson. The fall of Rome was certainly caused by assholes, as with all societies.

The Vikings were certainly a whole group of assholes (assholes love company) and they raped the villages and pillaged the women. They sailed across the oceans just to show their assholeism. The Vikings were very arrogant about their asshole like behavior, and were well written about.

The Barbarians were another set of assholes. They were more of the sort of assholes that the cave assholes were, except they were into bronze and iron, making them dangerous assholes.

More Recent Assholes

Christopher Columbus was both an asshole and a bullshitter. He “discovered” America, then why isn’t it called Columbia? Why did he refer to the Natives as “Indians”? Did he think he was in India, or did he want people believe he made it to India? He died in prison for abusing his men. What an asshole!

The Pilgrims were a bunch of assholes running away from other assholes. They brought with them diseases, befriended the Natives, and then after they didn’t need them to survive, killed them. That was a big asshole like thing to do!

General Custer was a major asshole. He tried to wipe out the Natives, and killed their women and children as well. It was great the Apaches killed that bastard, he deserved it!

The American Government was and is an asshole club. They condoned slavery, paved forests, polluted waterways, and numerous other problems over the centuries..

Adolph Hitler was one of the biggest assholes ever to walk the Earth. He killed 8 million Jews, which was a terrible thing. He tried to take over the world, and have assholes run everything (not that everything is not run by assholes anyway) but his assholes were worse. He didn’t even have the guts to face trial. He killed himself. What an asshole!

Joseph Stalin was a turn coat asshole. He worked with the Allies, because Hitler was an bigger asshole. Once Hitler was defeated, He became a real big asshole, and started the cold war. It wasted a lot of resources and slowed the prosperity that could have been for all of us.

Communism would work, except for the “asshole factor”. This is the rule that if something is doing good, someone will screw it up because of asshole tendencies. If everyone followed the rules, and no one wanted to be “richer” than anyone else, it would work. This will never happen because of…Guess!

Fidel Castro and other dictators are card carrying assholes. Along with this class of asshole is Iotallah Khomeni, Manuel Noriega, Saddam Hussein etc. These type of assholes rape their own people, and they love it. The typical signs are delusions to take over the world (yes, like Hitler). Other things to recognize are disregard for other people, just like regular assholes.

Jimmy Carter is not a big asshole, but man, did he botch up with the Iranian hostage situation. Khomeni knew Jimmy would not use military action to straighten things out, so he walked all over us! His “big bunny” incident, and looking at his brother Billy, didn’t help him either. He was more gutless than a skeleton with the presidency, but has become a great humanitarian since then.

George Bush was not an asshole, but he did 2 asshole like things. One is that he has disrespect for broccoli, and I happen to like broccoli. The other thing he did was more of what he didn’t do, which was to finish of Saddam while he had the chance. That asshole is still causing problems, and I believe Ross Perot when se said there was a deal between them two, because why wouldn’t he finish the job?

Teenagers have always been assholes. They are destructive for no reason, and they are the ones responsible for graffiti, and other non-profit crimes. That’s the problem, if you don’t make money at it, why do it? AT least if you are going to be an asshole, do it for the money!

Skinheads and hate groups are assholes and stupid as well. Every skinhead I ever met had no idea who the enemy was, and had never been hurt by the groups they hate. I am sure that some of them have been mugged etc. but that is the work of an asshole, not an ethnic group. They all hate Jews, but there is always people that envy others because of their wealth. Wealthy people are not assholes, unless they were before they became wealthy. There is nothing to envy about their lives, most of them are not happy, like the rest of us. Money does not equal happiness, nor does it really help at all.

Howard Stern is a loudmouth asshole. Even if he is doing an act, he is still an asshole just the same. Listen to his “show” to learn how big an asshole he is. His followers are assholes too.

Cyber punks are often teenagers, and they do nasty things to computers. I believe that some of them are making money at it, from the very virus software companies that are claiming to protect us. I have no evidence of this, but how can a software company come up with a virus cure as fast as it get on the net?

In conclusion, there are many more assholes in the world, and if you have a request to hear about any particular asshole, drop me an email at jimm54@mad.scientist.com. You must be 18 to read this, or it might warp your fragile little mind. By sending me an email, you consent to being on my asshole/anti asshole mailing list, and I will drop you letters about new papers, products, and whatever. I hope you found this both entertaining and informative. I will put up a site if this becomes popular, and this paper should become longer fast!

Jim!

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