Subject:  Anyone need some morning funnies??? |
Author:
amy
|
[
Next Thread |
Previous Thread |
Next Message |
Previous Message
]
Date Posted: Saturday, June 21, 09:10:20am
Top 10 Sports Quotes(in no particular order)
10. Most football teams are temperamental. That's 90% temper and 10% mental.
-Doug Plank
9. I owe a lot to my parents, especially by mother and my father
-Greg Norman
8. We have been saying this, both pre season and before the season started
-Len Ashurst
7. Numero Eins, as they say in Germany
-Peter Jones
6. I figured that, if I said it enough, I would convince the world that I
really was the greatest.
-Ali
5. "Why do bald guys always wear beards? When I started to go bald, I took it
like a man."
-Charles Barkley
4. "There is one word in America that says it all, and that word is, 'You never
know.'"
-Pitcher Joaquin Andujar
3. "I told [GM] Roland Hemond to go out and get me a big name pitcher. He
said, 'Dave Wehrmeister's got 11 letters. Is that a big enough name for you ?'"
-Eddie Eichorn, White Sox owner
2. "Baseball is 90% mental -- the other half is physical."
- Yogi Berra
1. "If I take this camera & put it in your face for 20 years, I don't know what
you might be. You might be a homosexual if I put that camera on you
since you were 13 years old. I've been on that camera since I was 13
years old."
-Mike Tyson
-----------------
A guy with leprosy wins tickets to see the world series. But when he gets
there, he has trouble finding a seat because pieces of him are peeling and
flaking off, and he's very concerned about grossing out the other fans.
The leper wanders through the bleachers looking for a seat where his
grotesque appearance won't disturb anyone else. Finally he finds an
open seat where he might be able to watch the game. He asks the man in the
adjoining seat if it would be okay to sit there.
The man answers, "Yeah. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."
The leper sits down and adds, "As you can see, I have leprosy. If it disturbs
you, I will move."
"It doesn't bother me. Just shut up, and watch the game."
A while later, during the fourth inning, the man suddenly vomits.
Frothy beer, hot dogs, and peanuts are splattered everywhere.
Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank you for allowing
me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get
sick. I will find another place to sit."
"It's NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."
So the leper sits back down. But during the sixth inning, the man
begins to vomit again. This time it is projectile vomitus. A powerful blast of
beer and pretzels shoots out from the man's mouth and nose until his stomach
is completely emptied.
Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank you for allowing me to
sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick.
I will find another place to sit."
"Really, it's NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."
So the leper sits back down. But during the seventh inning, the man
begins to vomit again. This time it is the dry heaves. The leper feels absolutely
awful at the sight of this man suffering. And once again, the leper
offers to leave.
But the man insists, "Really, it's NOT you."
So the leper asks, "Well if it's not me that is making you so sick,
then what is?"
"It's that guy behind you. He keeps dipping his nachos in your back."
-------
The Difference Between Men and Women
RELATIONSHIPS: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour
her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled
'All Men Are Idiots' Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, 'I just called
to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate
you, and you're a total floozy. But, I want you to know that there's
always a chance for us.'
This is known as the 'I Hate You I Love You' drunken phone call, and
99% of all men have made it at least once. There are community colleges that
offer courses to help men get over this need.
LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room men talk about three things: money,
football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know
football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about
women. Women talk about one thing in the locker: sex. And not in
abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they
never lie.
MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females
can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball
cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school
romances rarely work out.
MAGAZINES: Men's BATHROOMS: A man has five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of the items.
OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She
knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best
friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is
vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants,
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress
up for weddings and funerals.
LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every
article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip
about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally
out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul
and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to
meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by
reruns of old American sitcoms.
MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror.
Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny
surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.
MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety
of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature
and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a
man provokes a uniform reaction...he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French
cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age
of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with
toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly
and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's.
Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve
cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at
least six 'D' batteries to operate.
MOVIES: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude
scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced
by a man. Men will only show their butts, because butt size doesn't really
matter.
JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away
with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look
like a lounge singer named Ramone.
TIME: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes,
she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football
game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs,
commercials, or replays.
FRIENDS: Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a
boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are 'Pass the
Doritos' or Got anymore beer?'
RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use
restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word
to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling
together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man
excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, 'Hey, Tom, I was just about
to take a leak. Do you want to join me?'
-----
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close knit family in another city.***George Burns
---------
Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the
place where they first met.
Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met
you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas
works, and I gave you one from behind."
"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a
grin.
"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one
from behind."
The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting
next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking
it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and
follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works.
The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.
The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little
old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most
athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging
away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as
phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do
not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't
move for an hour.
Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything
that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from
his own experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to
know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years'
time!"
The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves.
Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.
He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that,
particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that
50 years ago?"
The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fucking fence wasn't
electrified."
-----------
Hope i did not offend anyone. have an awesome weekend.
amy! :)
[
Next Thread |
Previous Thread |
Next Message |
Previous Message
]
| |
Feedback: 