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Date Posted: 21:56:32 08/19/02 Mon
Author: Xtreme
Subject: Ye olde Renaissance Faire

(The scene opens in the familiar apartment living room of Xtreme where Jake is sitting in the middle of the floor watching TV. Xtreme is sitting on his porch, taking in the cool night air and listening to the sounds of the city. As always, he has his favorite beer Rolling Rock in his hand and is sipping it. He continues to look out over the city when from inside he hears Jake calling him in)


Jake: Xtreme, come here! Look at this!


Xtreme: What now, Jake?


(Xtreme gets up and walks into the apartment. Jake looks up at him excitedly and points to the TV, which has a commercial for the Pennsylvania Renaissance Faire. Xtreme shakes his head and begins to walk back out to the porch)


Jake: Aw, come on! It would be fun! Look they got jousting and sword fighting and stuff!


Xtreme: No, Jake. I'm not driving all the way to Lancaster to see something I've already seen.


Jake: You've been there?


Xtreme: They used to send us there when I was in Middle School. It was totally stupid.


Jake: Well maybe you'll appreciate it more now that you're older.


Xtreme: I doubt it Jake.


Jake: Oh come on, Xtreme. Can we please go??


Xtreme: Jake...


Jake: I'll pay for myself!


Xtreme: Hmm...fine. Let's go. But first...


Jake: First what?


Xtreme: First I need to address my current GWA situation or else I won't be able to expense this trip to the GWA.


Jake: Ah...I see. So where do you want to start?


Xtreme: Start with the only thing concerning me right now, The Usual fucking Suspects.


Jake: What about Skylar Thomas?


Xtreme: Fuck Skylar Thomas. That's all I have to say about that English sadistic shit. I'll have my revenge on him sooner or later but right now I need to concentrate on the Legion titles with Assassin. He took my title and I might have gone off on him a few days ago but I've blown off some steam collected me thoughts on the situation and realized that I don't want to fued with a man I've already beaten once. I need to concentrate on more gold...and concentrate on Lost Worlds.


Jake: Why Lost?


Xtreme: Lost seems to think I've been screwing his wife because in his paranoid little mind, a man can't be with a woman unless they are fucking or something. All I was doing at his house that one night was waiting for him to come back from his little porn adventure so we could go out but he flips out on me. Then at Insurrection he humiliated me in front of the audience by stating that I was in his locker room making out with Ambre when in fact I was in my OWN locker room getting ready for my next match. What the hell is the matter with him lately? I don't know what's gotten into Lost's head lately but theres something wrong with him He's been acting like more of a duesh bag than usual and he's been making light of the fact that I've never beaten him in competition a lot lately. Well, Lost, at least I won my title fairly...unlike how he was HANDED the Gladiator title. Lost would never have beaten Mr. Storm, so he handed him the title to make him look good. I may have never beaten Lost before but times change and people do too and I garuntee if Lost wants a fight, Xtreme will be more then happy to oblige.


Jake: Yeah, he has seemed a little different now that I think about it.


Xtreme: A little? This is the guy who came in the door naked holding a stuffed Pikachu over his...area and he thinks I'm the one fooling around? I don't know what the hell is up with Lost but he better come to his senses and he better do it soon. But now back to the guys who pose a threat to me and more gold around my waist, The Usual Suspects. These two wouldn't even show up to the #1 Contender's match they were GIVEN yet this week they are handed yet another #1 Contender's match for the Legion title. I see the Circle has more sway in the GWA than I previously thought because if it were my decision they would not be on GWA television for a very long time for not wrestling in their schedualed match. Then after Assassin and I finish the match by walking all over Goliath and Jim Daher, Anotheny "I can't beat Xtreme without using a sledgehammer" Craven shows up and takes down the Assassin and myself with a hammer. Good ol' one nut was nowhere to be seen, though. They better not skip out this weeks match because I want a piece of both of them. Not only because they are delaying my chance to get more gold, but they are wasting my time with their pathetic Last Man Standing Hell in a Cell match. Please, boys, I've been in more hardcore matches back when I was wrestling for backwater feds (coughIWFcough). If you think ordering this match to take place is going to threaten me, you failed MISERABLY. I'm not scared of you two, nor am I scared of this match, NOR am I scared of the Circle. I've been beating Circle members left and right lately and I think it's starting to get under their collective skins. I beat the OutLaw at To The Max, and now look where he is. He's in jail! He did nothing but whine and complain that he lost to me and now he's doing time. If he ever gets out, I'll be glad to destroy him again. The Circle has been around a long time, but they are losing their touch. If they can't even intimidate a guy like me, who the hell do they expect to intimidate anymore. Plus why should I be intimidated by them? I've got Assassin and Mr. Storm on my side, what do the Usual Suspects have? Sianna Kane and Rachel? Uh-oh, look out. But what does Shadow expect to do in this match? Beat Assassin and myself all by his lonesome? From what I hear, Ali is nowhere near 100 percent therefore he won't stand a chance in a last man standing hell in a cell match. Assassin is out to regain the Legion titles and I'm out for more gold to go around my more than deserving waist. The Usual Suspects will have about as much a chance to defeat Assassin and myself as the Phillies have of ever winning the World Series; it just ain't gonna happen. But Shadow claims he ordered this match to prove that he is not the bitch everyone thinks he is. Well I got news for ya, Shadow, you're a bitch. The sooner you admit it and come to terms with it, the better off we'll all be. You try to look tough and cool for your Circle lady friends, but in the end you just fail. What is it about you and failure, Shadow? It just seems like the two go hand in hand, I suppose. But seriously, Shadow and Ali stand no chance of beating me and Assassin. They may give us a good match and a good way to end Insurrection, but they will fall far from getting the 1-2-3 and taking away our Legion #1 Contendship. In conclusion, Shadow and Ali have no chance in hell of beating Assassin and me and taking away our #1 Contenderships. We will defeat them and prove to everyone why Mr. Storm has entrusted us with taking the Legion title away from the undeserving Circle affiliated Violent Femmes and giving those titles holders that fans can truly be proud of. XTREME HAS SPOKEN.


Jake: Can we go now?


Xtreme: Yeah, lets get going. The drive to Lancaster is not a short one.


(But through the miracle of TV editing, it is a short trip to our home viewers! Xtreme and Jake walk out the front door as the scene fades to black and then quickly fades into Xtreme and Jake walking into the Pennsylvania Renaissance Faire. Jake looks excited as hell, looking around quickly and Xtreme already seems like he wants to go home. He is surrounded by loud children, crying babies, and full grown people wearing Halloween costumes. They begin to walk around before Xtreme stops a guy wearing a brown shirt with a dragon sewn onto it)


Xtreme: Hey, do you know where the bar is?


Guy: Pardon good sir, but I do not know of what you speak.


Xtreme: What? Tell me where the damn bar is!


Guy: Sir, is it ye olde pub you speak?


Xtreme: Uh...yeah...I think.


Guy: Down the end of the path and look on thy left.


Xtreme: Yeah...thanks.


Jake: Oh come on, Xtreme. We're here to learn about Renaissance-y stuff, not to drink!


Xtreme: Jake, I'll be more into the "Renaissance-y" stuff if I've tipped a few back. You follow me?


Jake: Yeah, I suppose.


(Xtreme begins to walk down the path that weird guy pointed out and Jake follows him. Xtreme finds the pub the guy was talking about, the Swashbuckler Pub and Brewery. Xtreme enters and sees a older guy behind the bar cleaning out a mug and a few other guys dressed up in renaissance clothing sitting at the bar. Xtreme takes a seat next to a big dude wearing chain mail. The guy looks at Xtreme out of the corner of his eye as Xtreme orders)


Xtreme: Hey barkeep, whatcha got on tap?


Barkeep: Well, sir, we've got Rajah's Sword, Swashbuckler's Gold, Old Peg Leg, and Lady Amber.


Xtreme: Why do you call it Old Peg Leg?


Barkeep: Tis our strongest brew. People who have had too many of these are said to walk like they've got a peg leg.


Xtreme: Excellent...I'll take one.


(The barkeep looks at Jake)Jake: What'll you have, sir?


Jake: Nothing right now.


Barkeep: Tis a hot day, you must be parched.


Jake: Umm...no that's ok.


Xtreme: He said you must be thirsty, Jake.


Jake: Oh...well, no thanks.


(Xtreme takes a swig from the mug the barkeep sat down on the bar in front of him. He seems surprised at it's strength)


Xtreme: Boy, you medival guys don't mess around when it comes to drinking.


(He continues to drink as the big guy next to him laughs and shakes his head. Since watching Xtreme drink isn't rather exciting, the scene cuts to each time he gets a new mug. By the time he is finished, he has five empty mugs sitting around him at the bar, and Xtreme has a glazed look in his eye. He has his arm around the big guy next to him speaking to him in a low voice and then suddenly begins cracking up. The big guy has a strange smile on his face, but does not laugh along with Xtreme. Xtreme begins hickupping and slapping his knee, still laughing hilariously at his own joke. The barkeep looks at him and says)


Barkeep: I think you've had enough, sir.


Xtreme: Yeah cuz I'm out of money....hahahahaha!


(Jake shakes his head and helps Xtreme down off the bar stool and Xtreme pays the man. Xtreme staggers out of the door and into a family with a young daughter)


Girl: Mommy, that man smells, funny!


(Jake apologizes to the family and Xtreme goes off on his own in the faire. When Jake looks around and doesn't see Xtreme, he follows the stench of ale and disgusted faire goers. He finds Xtreme hitting on two ladies who are carry wicker baskets)


Xtreme: Hey wenchs, whats going on?


(The ladies seem infuriated at Xtreme calling them wenchs and turn their noses up at him and begin to walk quickly away. Jake goes over to Xtreme and stands next to him)


Jake: What was that about?


Xtreme: Well I was close to getting with both of them but something screwed it all up, they musta seen YOU!


Jake: Yes, Xtreme, you had a chance to get with those two noble women.


Xtreme: They aren't nobles, Jake! They are just ladies with no life dressed up in costumes!


(The two ladies hear him and begin to walk back to Xtreme)


Xtreme: See, I knew they couldn't resist me!


(The look on their faces are even worse than before. They walk over to Xtreme and one slaps him on the left side of his face, the other on the right. Jake laughs as Xtreme yells in pain and says)


Xtreme: Damn you, wenchs!


(They turn and begin to head for Xtreme again but Xtreme shrieks and runs in the opposite direction. The ladies laugh as Jake follows after Xtreme, who seems to have found his way to the human chess game. Xtreme stands there and watches as Jake comes up next to him)


Jake: Ah, the human chess game. I wanted to see this for a long time.


(Jake continues to watch intently as something has apparently caught Xtreme's eye. The camera stays on Jake watching the game when all of a sudden, out onto the board runs Xtreme, sword in one hand, a helmet on his head, and a flail in the other hand. Jake hangs his head and covers his eyes and Xtreme interferes in a knight and pawn fighting)


Jake: I can't watch...


(From the chess board)Xtreme: Come on, why isn't there any blood! You guys a sissy's!


(Both sides are apparently angry with Xtreme interupting their carefully choreographed fight. Both side begin to run after Xtreme and when he realizes what he's done, drops both his weapons and high tails it off the board)


Xtreme: Hey, a bishop can't move like that!


(No one finds Xtreme's lame chess referance funny and they continue to chase him. Xtreme runs off the board and Jake tries to catch up with him, but he is running pretty fast for a drunk guy. The chess players give up chase, and go back to the board. Xtreme stops running and sits down against what seems to be large wooden wall. Jake catches up to the visibly winded Xtreme and sits down next to him)


Jake: Why do you keep making these people angry? Pretty soon the whole faire is going to want you dead.


Xtreme: Whoopity-do. Everyone in the GWA already wants me dead so what's a few fairies wearing frilly costumes wanting me dead?


(Suddenly, four knights in full armor appear from the opposite side of the wall and draw their swords on Xtreme and Jake. Jake points to Xtreme as if to be saying "Kill him, not me")


Xtreme: Oh thanks, Jake, you're a good friend.


(The knights draw ever closer as Xtreme gets up and begins to high tail it away from the knights. The knights turn to Jake who follows suit and races after Xtreme. Xtreme turns to look and see if the knights are following him, but since it's quite hard to run in a full suit of armor, they didn't really give chase at all. Xtreme neglects to watch where he's going and turns around just before he runs into a well dressed lady. He stops short and falls flat on his face at her feet. Jake stops before he falls and realizes who the lady is)


Jake: God lord, Xtreme! Get up! It's the queen!


Xtreme: What? Queen? But isn't Freddie Mercury dead?


Jake: Not that queen, you drunken fool! The queen!


(Xtreme raises his head to see all the people around him bowing at the sight of the queen. The queen seems impatient with the fact that Xtreme doesn't know who she is, and is not bowing to her. She taps her foot impatiently)


Jake: Quick, say "God save the queen" before she has to taken to ye olde jail!


(Xtreme gets up and wipes himself off)


Xtreme: Why would I say that? Screw the queen!


(The queen and everyone around seems appauled at what Xtreme just said. All the people dressed in renaissance clothes begin to yell and run at Jake and Xtreme. Xtreme, sensing great peril, runs his drunken ass as fast as he can back to the parking lot with Jake close behind)



Jake: Good job, Xtreme, once again your stupidity has nearly gotten us killed!


Xtreme: Wow...where have I heard that before?


(Jake realizes Xtreme used to say that to him and starts to crack up. Xtreme starts to laugh as well but soon realize they are being chased by some rather irrate renaissance faire people. They continue to run back to the car and get in as fast as they can. Jake grabs the keys from Xtreme and tears out of the parking lot as the scene fades to black)

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