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Date Posted: 21:39:31 08/08/02 Thu
Author: Critically Acclaimed
Subject: A story

In the Himalayan Mountains, near some of the highest peak in the chains, exists a village down in a valley untouched by modern civilization, and the frigid conditions of the mountain peaks around them. They are a simple people, providing for themselves and their neighbors without question. They have no governing body per say, but all of the villagers come to an old man, who sits in the middle of the village square every day, for advice on their every day lives. They respect the old man’s wisdom, as he has never been wrong in his advice. They come to him for all sorts of things, asking him “Should we have children right now?” “Should we expect an early harvest?” and on and on. The old man always gives his answer, and sure enough, everything turns out for the best in the end. It’s as if the old man has an almost supernatural power to predict the future.



Then, one fateful day, a plane on its way over the mountains had engine failure, and went down in the peaks of the mountains. There was only one survivor, a traveling insurance salesman on vacation. This salesman though bloodied and injured, managed to make it down the mountain, into the valley below. The villagers were surprised to see an outsider, but welcomed him nonetheless. They gave him medical aid, and helped him heal. Over the next couple of weeks, the salesman grew strong enough to walk outside and observe the villagers in their day to day lives. Every where he went, he saw some kind of task that would be infinitely simplified with modern technology. Soon, a thought began to creep into the mind of that salesman. “If I can convince them to bring technology into this valley somehow, they will surely reward me after they see how much easier I’ve made their lives.” Thus, he began to try to convince the villagers, telling them of the wonderous things they were missing, and how easy life would be. But the salesman hadn’t taken into account the old man. With each suggestion he made, the villagers would go to the old man and ask him what he thought, and the response would be the same. “Our life is good, our life is prosperous, we do not need anything else.” Every time they asked, the response was the same. Soon, the salesman grew angry and frustrated, and wanted to find a way to make the old man lose face in front of the entire village. He was at a loss, until a small bird landed on his shoulder. He then knew what he had to do.



That very night, after the old man had retired into his hut, the salesman stood in the village square, gathering everyone around him, and this is what he said.



Salesman: Kind villagers, I thank you for your hospitality, and for taking me in after that crash. But tonight, I fear I have bad news for you. Your wise old man is a fraud! While it’s true that he SEEMS to always be right, you are putting all of your faith in the wrong place. The old man is not infallible. And I will prove it to you tomorrow!



A murmur of dismay and disbelief went through the crowd, growing louder and louder, until someone yelled out “How?”



Salesman: Tomorrow, if you will allow me to be the first to visit the old man, I will approach him with a small bird enclosed in my hands. The bird will be alive, and I will ask the old man whether or not the bird in my hand is alive or dead. If he claims to know that the bird in my hand is dead, I will open my hands and allow the bird to fly free. However, if he claims that the bird is alive, I will crush it swiftly in my hands, and let it fall to the ground. You see, no matter what the old man chooses, he will be wrong.



The crowd lapsed into an uneasy silence. It seemed that the salesman was right. The old man, who they always believed to be right all the time, was going to be put into a situation where he couldn’t possibly be right. How could this be? The very next day, as planned, the salesman was the first to visit the old man. The rest of the village all gathered around in the square to witness the exchange.



Salesman: Wise old man, I am here to ask you a simple question, to prove to these kind villagers that you are nothing but a fraud, and should not be so revered.



Old Man: Ask your question.



Salesman: In my hands I hold a bird. My question is this: Is this bird alive or dead?



Old Man: The bird is alive.



The crowd tensed, and the salesman had a grin of self satisfaction on his face as his hands tensed to crush the bird.



Old Man: And the bird is dead.



The crowd gasped, and the salesman froze in disbelief.



Salesman: Explain yourself old man.



Old Man: You and you alone can answer that question. If I say the bird is alive, you will crush it. If I say the bird is dead, you will allow it to live. So, now I ask you, is the bird alive or dead?



Stunned that the old man guessed the ploy, the salesman allowed the bird to fly free. Then he turned silently, and walked down the path away from the village, and was never seen again.







The scene fades in with a shot of a sign reading “San Diego Zoo”. The shot cuts to Adam Azure, and Demetri Lynn, who are standing in front of a “birds of prey” exhibit.



Adam: Cute story, wasn’t it? My principal from high school told us that story on graduation day, but for the life of me I can’t remember why. I just remember the story. It’s kind of appropriate in this situation, don’t you think little friend?



Adam holds up his hands to the camera, revealing a small bird clutched in his hands.




Demetri: Hey, you didn’t tell me you had a bird. I want a bird. Where can I get a bird?




Adam: How the hell should I know? I got this one at a pet store. Hey, look, there’s a bird over there, get that one.




Adam points over his shoulder to the exhibit, where a large Bald Eagle is perched, waiting for a command to fly across an open field.




Demetri: Hell yeah! I get a big bird, I’ll be right back.




Adam: Go for it. *He turns back to the camera* Now, as I was saying, the story does reflect a little bit on our current situation in the GWA. You see, we’re the salesman, holding the bird’s life in the palms of our hand.




While Adam is talking, Demetri can be seen in the background, creeping slowly towards the Bald Eagle.




Adam: And the bird, is the Violent Femmes. Now we have a choice to make, crush them in our bare hands, or let them go free. Last Wednesday night, we made the choice to let them go. We proved a point, that we can wipe the floor with the champions. That’s all we were looking to do on that night. So we let the little birdies escape with their lives. Now, next Wednesday, we’re going to be faced with that same decision.




Demetri has made it to the Eagle’s perch, and goes to grab the bird. But the bird jumps into the air to safety. Demetri makes a jump to try to grab the bird, but the bird soars higher. Demetri stands, cursing at the bird as it flies around.




Adam: Unlike the salesman though, we don’t have to ask any old bastard what he thinks we’re going to do. Because I think the entire world knows exactly what we’re going to do.




Demetri is standing around, looking for another bird to try to catch, when the Eagle swoops down low, heading straight for Demetri’s head, talons extended. Demetri ducks and begins to run, yelling at the bird that he was just kidding. The Eagle is not amused and continues to go after Demetri.




Adam: The entire world knows damn well we’re not going to stop until we have those belts around our waists. The Usual Suspects want to act all pissed off because they weren’t in the number one contenders match. They want to piss and moan because we haven’t “paid our dues”, because we haven’t “proved ourselves.” Newsflash boys, we wiped the mat with The Union, with or without your help. Then we took care of Miss Kane, and Miss DeLioncourte, the CHAMPIONS of the damn division. Like it or not, we are the number one contenders to the Legion Titles, and we will be walking out of Insurrection with 50 more pounds of gold than when we walked in. So the sooner you learn to live with it, the sooner you can get on with your lives. Now, as for Miss Kane, and the psycho lady, I hope you settle all your differences this week and are in top form next week, because after what we saw of the two of you this week, we’re not holding out hope for much of a challenge. We’re holding your fate in our hands…




With one swift movement, Adam crushes the bird in his hands and lets its lifeless body fall to the ground.




Adam: And it’s not going to be pretty.




Adam walks out of the camera’s view, and before we can fade to black, Demetri runs across the screen yelling for Adam to start the car, Bald Eagle not far behind.









Newsflash: It has come to the attention of the GWA front offices that at the conclusion of the latest Critically Acclaimed promo, the Legion Tag Team Title belts were STOLEN from The Violent Femmes. No details are known at this time, but rest assured that the proper measures will be taken to find and apprehend the culprits as soon as possible. Thank you.

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