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Date Posted: 01:39:04 07/18/02 Thu
Author: "The Pinfall Wizard" Michael Merlin
Subject: No parts. No Chapters. Just PARTY TIME!!!(Lindsey, Goliath, Joey Jackson, Furious Steele and Dynamo)

[The scene is a dark room.
Multiple eyes can be seen in the darkness. Only a
lone, muffled voice can be heard in the infinite
silence of the room.]

Merlin- There are those that
say that darkness encompasses all. There are those who
claim their souls are forever lost to madness and
confusion. There are even those who would turn to
evil, rather than face an oncoming onslaught of
destruction. But to them I say...

[The lights come up to reveal bright colored
streamers, balloons and a disco ball all around a
roller rink. Happy, smiling people skate along to the
uplifting sounds of Mariachi music]

Merlin- Get over yourself,
JERK-ASS! High school is over!

[In the center of the ring is a skateless
man, in blue jeans and a shirt that says "Crazier than
Manson. Guiltier than O.J... BETTER THAN JESUS(gOoD GuyS RuLe.)" It is "The Pinfall Wizard" Michael Merlin with an irreverent smirk on his face.]

Merlin- Well howdy, y'all!
It's a fun time here in happy town, where the sun is
shining, the birds are chirping and it couldn't be
anything but pleasant. But with all this cheeriness
around, who could be unhappy? [Uncomfortable
pause] Well? Who?

[He seems to be waiting for an answer from
the camera. It gives him none.]

Merlin- I'll tell you who,
Johnny Storm. Boy does THAT guy have a bug up his butt
or what? All I wanted to do in Ascension Wrestling was
put on a good show. Not make money or run him out of
business, but put on the best gosh darn wrestling
matches the world had ever seen. And what did he do?
He went and bought the company out from under us. He
took advantage of Jackson's laziness, took advantage
of his greed and took advantage of his partnership
with little Joey. All I want to know is why? Is Storm
such a small, petty man that he gets annoyed when the
fans are actually entertained? Is his manhood so small
that he has to compensate with a large wrestling
promotion? And a large stable inside said wrestling
promotion. Maybe he makes so much money off popcorn
stands that he loses money when people stay in their
seats to watch a match? That's why he hired Furious
Steele! I get it now!

[Dodging the occasional skater, smiling at
the young and old alike, Merlin makes his way to the
edge of the rink.]

Merlin- Now I'm pretty
confident that no one in the GWA cares about me at
all. And that's just super by me. Because that means I
get to make you care. That means I get to make my
mark. Because now I have my opportunity to do what
I've always wanted to do, put the WRESTLING back in
wrestling. Last week, Outlaw called it right down the
middle when he said this fed is over-run with whiney,
little gothlings and Belleview rejects. What is up
with all the whining and moaning here? Every time I
turn around someone is crying over his tortured psyche
or how he's going to eat everyone's soul!

[Merlin mockingly shakes in fear while
making his way to a table near the rink.]

Merlin- Well blah, blah,
blah! Your cheap special effects do not scare me. Your
free lessons at the Shatner School of Acting are not
working. And most importantly, no one is scarred of a
little rich kid whose mommy only bought him Tommy
Hillfiger instead of Abercrombie & Fitch. Oh the
angst!

[Merlin kicks back on a stool, kicks his
legs up and enjoys a delicious, and nutritious Vanilla
Coke.]

Merlin-One for me.
[He takes a drink]
And one for my homies, who didn’t make it out of the
mean streets of suburban Delaware. [Pours
some Vanilla Coke on the ground] color=violet> I miss you, dog!

[Merlin beats hi hand to his chest and
pretends to cry for his dead homies. He lifts his face
up to reveal the joke. However un-funny it may be.]

Merlin- But now that
we've got the Merlin philosophy out of the way, let's
get down to business. The 8-man tag against "The
Turkey" Double J 2.0, Curious Steele, Quadruple J
Lindsey and Big G. What can I say? I don't
know you, and you don't know me. But you should know
this about "The Pinfall Wizard." I don’t hate. I love.
I want to wish you all the very best of luck. In fact,
I'm going to help you with your match! That's right,
I'm not about to bad mouth any of you, I'm going to
give you some great advice for going up against guys
you've never met. That's just me. I'm a giver. I give.

[Merlin gives the universal "Giver" sign
with his hands out reaching.]

Merlin- Firstly, "The
Grackle", I mean, "The Eagle" Double J. I know your
cousin pretty well, and he speaks highly of you. But
I'm worried about you, JJ. I think that we all know
it's time you see a doctor. Because it's common
knowledge that being a JERK-ASS is genetic disease.
It's not your fault, Joe; it's not your fault. You
couldn't help being born into a family of low life, no
good, money grubbing, bottom feeding, bourgeois
traitors that sell the livelihood of others for their
own financial gain. It's just who you are. And while
you're there, make sure your cousin hasn't given you a
bad case of "Being the Laziest Person on the Planet."
He's had a bad case of that ever since I've known him.
I wish the best of luck to you, JJ, but I apologize
for your genetics. It will be interesting to see what
happens when "The Eagle" gets in the ring with the
greatest "Eagle Champion"

[Merlin enjoys the delicious taste of a
Vanilla Coke. And so should you! Reward your
curiosity, with a nice, product placement, Vanilla
Coke!]

Merlin- And then there
is Curious Steel. That little monkey is SOOOO cute! I
think it's real sweet someone taught a gorilla how to
wrestle.

[In a cutesy, mocking voice]

Merlin- Does someone
want a banana? Do they? Yes they do! Steel wants a
banana! Yes he does!

 [Back in his Delawarean accent]

Merlin- I just hope PETA
or Greenpeace doesn't show up and claim cruelty to
animals while the AW boys are showing you the awesome
fighting power of opposable thumbs! Heck, I just hope
it doesn’t start trying to mate with any of us. It is
monkey mating season, so I think they might need to
give old Curious a sedative before the match, just so
he doesn’t get too excited! [Shaking his
head] A wrestling monkey. How
cute!

[Merlin laughs at the thought of a wrestling
monkey. But while wrestling monkeys are cool, they are
illegal in Louisiana!]

Merlin- And then there is Goliath. Now why anyone would name themselves after a Biblical figure that got knocked out with a ROCK is beyond me. But you did, and I'm happy for you. Congratulations on being able to pick a name, because it apparently took you WAY too long to pick a stable. Or was it the fact that nobody wanted you? Well, no matter, Big G, I think you're jsut swell. It doesn't matter that the only people you've faced in this Coluseum Tournament have been girls, or the fact that at Insurection you're going to have to fight two matches in one night. I still believe in you. I belive you can fly!
But before you get tto cocky, G Fresh, just remember that Big Bad Goliath was taken down by little bitty David. And David's law was obliterated by Jesus of Nazareth. And at Insurrection you be in a match with a man who is not only better than you, not only better than your team, but who is...BETTER THAN JESUS! So open up your copy of "Baby's First Bible" and try and discover who is going to come out on top.

[Merlin holds his hand to his chest and mmble something about 'mercy'.]

Merlin- And speaking
people who are too stupid not to live in a desert, there is Quadruple J Lindsey. Get it? Because he lives in the deserts of West Texas! And so did Biblical people Get it?[Pause for laughter. There is none.] color=violet>
Oh well, guess you had to be there.
Well 4J, all I have to say is "Who do you think you
are fooling?" Well…. who? Schizophrenia? Give me a
break. Ever heard of Mellaril? How about Thorozine?
Maybe Lithium? No, you haven't. Maybe it's because
these are simple medications that control REAL
schizophrenia. But I've been watching you, Lindsey.
One Cruiserweight Champion to another, I've been
watching you. And I'm not fooled. I mean come on,
"Pure Form"? What is THAT pile of horse hockey? Is
that your way of hulking-up? Lindsey, 1983 called and
they STILL think it's a stupid gimmick! No, Lindsey, I
don't think you're ill, I think you're just lame. I
think you are so inept, so completely useless in a
wrestling ring that you had to come up with, quite
possibly, the lamest idea in wrestling history. You
faked a mental illness! The stupidest idea since Bob
Backlund used in '85! You use your little voices and
little tricks to make people think you are
interesting. And you're not. When hostage negotiators
want to put a terrorist to sleep, they show him one of
your promos. You're about as interesting as rotting
meat, and even the Rotting Meat Channel gets higher
rating than your promos. Your attempt to win matches is much like your Confederate currency, WORTHLESS!
So since I don't hate, 4J, I love, I'm going to help.
All you have to do is start taking a healthy dose of
Thorozine a day and take up that offer to become a
CPA. It's just dull, boring and banal enough to suit
someone of your "abilities." Then, take your Falconer
Championship and kiss it goodbye, because if you can
feel no pain, then odds are you won't feel me pinning
you to the mat when that championship becomes mine.

[Merlin smiles at the thought of helping
those less fortunate.]

Merlin- Now I hoped I've
helped out my fellow GWA members as best I could. I
sure hope that we can all put on a great show for the
fans.

[Merlin puts his hand to his ear]

Merlin- What's that? Kid
Dynamo? I guess he was pretty cocky! Now I like the
Kid, he's cool. He keeps his rants about wrestling and
appreciates the fans, but Kid, don't tell me how to
wrestle. I'm not exactly new to this game myself; I
just don't like to brag. But since you asked for it: I
was a WIW, WIWA and TRF WORLD Heavyweight champion.
I've yet to get one-upped by anybody in the business
and I've been wrestling for longer than you can
imagine. I have forgotten more about wrestling history
than you will ever know. I use my highflying style
because that's what the fans want and that’s what wins
matches. I've gone up against more than my fair share
of power bomb monsters and they've all fallen victim
to the L.S.D. But when it comes to the mat, there
hasn't been a move invented that I can’t turn into a
pinfall. I didn't make up the name "Pinfall Wizard"
was given to me. But at Insurrection, it will be my
pleasure to team with you, Kid. It will be my pleasure
to team with Darkstar and even my old adversary, Steve
Carter. Because when it comes down to the wire, you
know you can count on me and I know I can count on you
while I show the GWA, show the world that I'm not
mean...I'm Methanpheta-MEAN!

[The irreverent beat of "Funkytown" is heard
as Merlin stands up.]

Merlin- Now if you'll
excuse me, the call of the skate beckons!

[Merlin rushes off to put on a pair of
skates as the scene fades on happy, smiling people
enjoying life to it's fullest.

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