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Date Posted: 22:45:54 07/22/02 Mon
Author: Xtreme
Subject: Just call him Jake Nicklaus

(The scene opens in Xtreme's apartment on a warm summer afternoon. Jake is laying down on Xtreme's couch and Xtreme is in his usual E-Z chair. Xtreme has the remote control and is flipping around the channels, not seeing anything of interest. After a few moments he just turns it off. He looks over at Jake and says)


Xtreme: Jake, we should go do something. What do you want to go do?


Jake: Lets go play golf.


Xtreme: Golf? Have you ever even played any form of golf besides miniature golf?


Jake: No, but I better go practice if I'm going to be a pro golfer.


Xtreme: When did this happen?


Jake: Well I was watching TV yesterday and Tiger Woods was on and they were talking about how he won another big tournament and how he made so much money and stuff. So I figured I could be a pro golfer and make lots of money.


Xtreme: First off, Jake, Tiger Woods has been playing golf since he was big enough to walk and you're already in your mid twenties and you've never played real golf before. I don't see how it's possible you could even hope to be a pro golfer now.


Jake: Happy Gilmore did it!


Xtreme: That was a movie, Jake. If you want to go play, we can but don't get your hopes up about winning any major tournaments any time soon. But if you want to go play some real golf, I suppose we can. We can use those clubs I got from that one golf company I was a spokesperson for.


Jake: You were the spokesperson for a golf company?


Xtreme: Yeah...it never really got off the ground but they gave me a free set of clubs.


Jake: So what will I use?


Xtreme: I dunno...I'm sure they have rental clubs.


Jake: So where are we going?


Xtreme: This place called Merion Golf Club. It's supposed to be pretty good but very hard.


Jake: So, what are we waiting for. Let's go.


Xtreme: Ok Jake but I don't want to hear you crying when you realize you can't become a pro golfer.


(Xtreme goes into his room and finds the bag of un-used golf clubs in his closet. He carries them out and walks out the door. Jake follows him down the stairs and they head for his car. Xtreme throws the clubs into the trunk and gets into the driver seat. When Jake closes his door, the scene fades out as Xtreme drives out of the garage and to the highway out of the city and into the suburbs. The scene fades back in on Xtreme and Jake driving along on the highway, Jake says)


Jake: How much longer until we get there?


Xtreme: I dunno, maybe ten minutes until we get to the exit and then I have to remember where to go from there.


Jake: Hey Xtreme, lets play a name association game to pass the time.


Xtreme: Whatever, shoot.


Jake: Hmm...Sean Fury.


Xtreme: Sissy. He couldn't even show up to lose to me. He just ran away.


Jake: Lost Worlds.


Xtreme: Cool dude.


Jake: Johnny Storm.


Xtreme: Smart man.


Jake: Chris Carpenter.


Xtreme: Chris Carpenter...heh, too many words and phrases come to mind. Pot head, stoner fuck, burnout, but most of all, loser. Why loser? Because there is absolutely no way in hell that he is going to beat me at Insurrection. I simply won't allow myself to be beaten by a Canadian pot smoking ego-maniac. This tournament in mine for the taking and Chris Carpenter is just another person in my way of getting to GWA gold and gold is what I deserve. Week in and week out I've been destroying everyone in my path, giving a hundred percent, even if the other person didn't deserve a hundred percent, they got it anyway. It's about damn time I get a shot at a title. Well, I don't have a shot yet, but if beating Carpenter gets me a step closer to my goal, then I guess I don't really have a choice but to pummel Carpenter into submission. I know I sound like a broken record, but I don't know what else to say about Carpenter except that he obviously thinks he's too good for me and that I'm not worth his precious Canadian time. At Insurrection Christopher will understand why I am the next GWA Coliseum champion. I will not be stopped on my conquest toward GWA gold and I will make Carpenter an example to all those disbelievers. Carpenter will be the perfect one for an example; he's an accomplished GWA wrestler, he's Mr. Storm's "chosen one" and he's the Canadian Icon. Carpenter has just recently come back, though, and I know the ring rust will be hindering his performance in the ring. I, however, have been back for weeks upon weeks now and am fully able to take down the so-called "Canadian Icon" and continue my journey toward the Coliseum title. This Coliseum title is virtually new and in need of a owner who will do it justice. I will take the Coliseum title from being a lowly new belt to being as coveted as the Olympic or Maximus title. Now I know what most of you are thinking, "How the hell are you going to do that? Carpenter has beaten you once, can't he do it again?" Can he do it again? Hell no, he can't! I would not allow myself to lose to this feeble excuse for a challenge. You, a foul mouthed little pot smoker thinks he's going to beat me, a hard drinking Philadelphia punk. Xtreme would never do drugs like weed! It's illegal and it lowers your sperm count and I don't think any of the ladies would want that to happen to Xtreme. Xtreme is Lost World's bitch? Are you kidding me? Yeah, Lost is my buddy and all but I am Xtreme! I am nobody's bitch! No offense to Lost, but who's still in this tournament, and who isn't? That's right...I am still here and I don't plan on being eliminated this week or any other week. But seriously Carpenter...Jim Daher? Do I care what you did to Jim Daher? To quote you, "Who the fuck cares about what happened back then anyways...It's all irrelevant." That’s right, it is all irrelevant and exactly why I don't give a shit about what happened between you and Daher a few weeks ago. You may have beaten me a year ago but in my absence I have been working my ass off to show everyone why Xtreme is the future of the GWA and I have yet to have a real challenge to off my true skill. Carpenter I do believe will be the first to get a small dose of what I am truly capable of. And now for the catch phrase that will someday become legendary...XTREME HAS SPOKEN.


(The scene fades back and but then back into Xtreme and Jake standing at the front gate of the Merion Golf Club. The three men in front of them walk in and get a golf cart and drive away. Xtreme and Jake walk up to the counter in the at the front gate and Xtreme starts to speak to the young woman behind it)


Xtreme: Hi, we’d like to play your course today.


Woman: Would you like to play nine holes or the full eighteen?


Xtreme: I think nine will be good enough for today. Oh yeah, can I rent a set of clubs for my friend here.


Woman: Sure, that’ll be twenty dollars per person and thirty dollars for the clubs.


(Xtreme whips it out and puts it on the counter…his credit card, you freak! Get your mind out of the gutter! Man I hate it when people say that but back to Xtreme…she scans the credit card, gives it back to Xtreme and smiles. She gets a set of clubs for Jake and puts them outside the door of the gate office for Jake to pick up when they enter)


Woman: Enjoy you’re day.


(She gives Xtreme a score card and one of those little pencils and Jake and Xtreme enter the club. She also hands him the key to a golf cart. Jake picks up the set of clubs and follows Xtreme over to the golf carts)


Jake: Can I drive, Xtreme?


Xtreme: No, I don’t let you drive my car so you’re not driving my golf cart. Do you even have a license anymore?


Jake: Well I used to but I haven’t gotten it renewed…in like three years. Come on, please??


Xtreme: Fine, you can drive us to the first hole but if you get this thing wrecked or almost get it wrecked, I’m driving the rest of the day.


(Xtreme hands Jake the key to the cart)


Jake: I promise I won’t get us hurt that bad, now come on lets go!


(Jake throws his clubs into the back of the cart and hops in the driver seat. Xtreme puts his clubs into the back and gets into the cart next to Jake. Jake starts the golf cart and slams on the gas, but neglects to check what gear the cart is in. The cart speeds back and Jake stomps on the gas right before the cart hits another, unoccupied cart. Xtreme looks over at Jake, not happy but Jake just smiles, puts the cart into drive and races to the first hole. He swerves wildly, nearly hitting a tree and driving through another course that other people were playing on. When Jake reaches the first hole, he calmly gets out but Xtreme has to peel his hands from a steel bar in the front of the cart. He gets out and orders Jake to give him the key. Jake hangs his head and gives up the key to Xtreme. Xtreme gets a ball out of his golf bag and a little tee. He sets the ball up and gets a club, a five wood. Is this the right club to tee off with? Who knows, Xtreme hasn’t played golf in years. He gets into what he thinks is a good stance over the ball, brings the club back and swings. The ball goes pretty far…too bad it didn’t go straight. As if it were a homing missile, the ball lands directly in the first sand trap)


Xtreme: Alright…off to a great start here. Your turn Jake.


(Jake gets a tee and ball out of his bag and set them up like Xtreme. He then pulls out a random iron out of his golf bag)


Xtreme: Are you sure you want to tee off with an iron, Jake?


Jake: Why not? I like this one.


Xtreme: Whatever Jake, you’re the pro here.


(Jake gets into a stance over the ball. His stance is even worse than Xtreme’s stance. Jake steady’s his club, brings it back, and swings. The club cleanly misses the ball, but Jake stares out onto the course as if looking for it)


Jake: I don’t see it, where’d it go?


(Xtreme points to the ball, untouched on the tee. Jake looks embarrassed as he brings the club back for another swing. Right before Jake’s club connects, the ball falls off the tee as if on cue. Jake sees the ball fall, stops his swing and puts the ball back on, though he can’t seem to get it steady. He tries many times to keep it on the tee, but it just won’t stay on. Xtreme looks at his watch but then notices two other guys driving up in a cart)


Xtreme: Hurry up, Jake, there’s two other people coming.


Jake: Calm down, Xtreme.


(Jake finally gets the ball to stay and swings. The ball goes all over forty yards but it excites Jake none the less. He smiles and laughs. Xtreme gets into the cart and drives down the green and parks the cart. Xtreme gets the sand wedge out of his bag and finds his ball. Jake goes over to his ball and continues to hit it until it reaches the green. Xtreme makes it to the green with two more hits and they both get their putters out of their respective bags. Xtreme makes it in with one put but Jake continues to miss until the ball is so close it is impossible for ever Jake to miss)


Xtreme: How many strokes for you, Jake?


Jake: A what now?


Xtreme: A stroke, Jake.


(Jake looks at Xtreme blankly)


Xtreme: How many times did you hit the ball before it went into the hole?


Jake: Well why didn’t you just say that before? I lost count after ten so lets says about fourteen. What about you?


Xtreme: I got four.


Jake: Ha! I beat you!


Xtreme: Jake, it’s better to be lower.


Jake: It is? Oh…I’m going to have to re-think my strategy.


Xtreme: Yeah, just a little.


(Xtreme and Jake walk over to their cart and Xtreme drives to the next hole. Since it would take to long to show all of Jake and Xtreme playing through the golf course let’s use TV editing magic and skip right to Xtreme and Jake leaving the course. Xtreme pulls back up to the cart parking spot and parks the cart. He picks up his golf bag and puts it on his shoulder and Jake carries his back over to the gate office. He sets them down near the door where he got them and follows Xtreme back to Xtreme’s car. Xtreme puts his clubs into the trunk and leans against his car and starts to figure out his and Jake’s score. When he’s done tallying them up, he looks over to Jake)


Xtreme: Well for a guy who hasn’t played in years, I was only 10 over par. You on the other hand…were well…close to triple digits.


Jake: I don’t want to know then….I’ve been thinking. I’ve been thinking I don’t want to be a pro golfer after all.


Xtreme: Jake, that’s the smartest thing I’ve heard from you in a while.


Jake: What about my advice about the lions and tin foil balls?


Xtreme: Jake, I gave you a compliment, ok. Don’t push it.


(Jake laughs and gets into the car and Xtreme gets into the driver seat. He turns on the car and the radio starts blasting a Manowar song, “Hand of Doom”. As he pulls out of the parking lot and drives away, the music becomes part of the background so it can be heard more clearly. The scene pans out and fades to black)


I see the fear you have inside you can run but never hide

I will hunt you down and tare you limb from limb

Nothing shall remain not your memory, your name

It will be as though you never ever lived


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