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Date Posted: 01:43:00 07/23/02 Tue
Author: "The Pinfall Wizard" Michael Merlin
Subject: It's What Jesus Would Do

[The scene opens up upon a congregation of spectators sitting on wooden benches, fanning themselves from he heat. The mostly female, African American audience looks up at a pulpit with a crucifix in the background. At the pulpit is a man standing in a robe with his back to the audience and the camera.]

Preacher- Let me "ax" you something, my brothers and sisters; Are you ready for a miracle?!

[The choir begins to resound with an upbeat spiritual while the congregation responds with walloping cheers and hallelujahs. The "preacher" turns around to reveal it is "The Pinfall Wizard" Michael Merlin.]

Merlin- Now settle down, settle down my brothers. We've got a lot on our minds. YES, we do. For these are troubling times. Yes they are! Now is the time when demons walk amongst men. Why just the other day, there was a talking monkey by the name of Curious Steele who did walk upright and speak with the mouth of the devil. YES, he did. Can I hear an Amen?

Congregation- AMEN!

Merlin- That's right. You see, for the though the monkey did come up and speak, he did make us wonder, was it the voice of the asp, or the voice of the ass. For there are only two talking animals in the Bible, an asp that talked with the tongue of the devil, and Methuzala's ass, his donkey, that talked with the voice of an angle. This makes us wonder which side monkey man is going to be on. When it comes time for an Insurrection in the heaven's, which side will he choose. For the devil has commanded him to take up arms against the good and the righteous(that's me by the way.) Can I get a Hallelujah?

Congregation- Hallelujah!

Merlin- But this primate has no love for the devil. No sir. He doesn't go in for that kind of monkey business. Curious Steel knows a snake when he sees one, and he sees one in Johnny Storm. But Steel is no angel either, he is often a fan of violence for the sake of violence. You might say he's a fan of "gorilla warfare!" But on Wednesday, the Simian Superstar will have to make a decision as to which is more important to him, fighting four men he's never met and doesn't care about, or kicking the devil where the sun don't shine! Praise Jesus!

Congregation- Praise Jesus!

Merlin- Now brothers and sisters, I know you are all hoping Steele will make the right choice, but this congregation has more on it's mind. Like the plight of the massive, moronic, G-Fresh, Goliath. Now what can I say, the Lord loves all His creatures, but that industrial size bucket of boredom really pushes the limits of infinite mercy. He wonders why no one is scarred of him, why no one wants that giant Mr. clean commercial reject in their stable and why everyone makes fun of his name. Did he ever consider the possibility that everyone else isn't the problem, Goliath is the problem! Let me hear you!

Congregation- Preach on, brother Michael!

Merlin- [In a mocking, whining, Goliath voice] Wha Wha Wha. No one is scarred of me. No one takes me seriously. I'm big. Isn't being big scary? What do I do? [Back in his Delawarean accent] No one is scarred of that bald headed hobo because we see through the facade. There isn't a single competitor in this business that hasn't pinned a million loser like Goliath who made their way to the top based on size and not skill. Everyone makes fun of his name because it's REALLY easy to make fun of. I'm not the first, and I'm not going to be the last. Sure, he may make me wallow in a pool of my own blood and beat me bloody and senseless. I'm cool with that. It's happened before. It will happen again. But I don't have to beat up Goliath, oh no. I don't have to make him the mayor of pain, or even the assistant agricultural commissioner of Pain county. All I have to do to that uncreative light bulb head is put his shoulders to the mat for three seconds. I And the bigger they are, my children, the harder it is to get up off a mat!

Congregation- It’s the truth. Preach on!

Merlin- But it's not Goliath's fault he has the lamest gimmick since the Jynx Brothers. He just has a bad case of no imagination. The big scary guy routine played itself out back in 1950, but fro some reason that JERK-ASS is still holding on. So, instead of wishing him ill in our match, I'll be content to know he's going to lose our match and just say good luck, Goliath. Good luck getting into whatever stable you're set on this week because you obviously can't make it on your own. And good luck fighting girls, because it looks like you'll need it! Is that right?

Congregation- That’s right!

Merlin- Speaking of lame gimmicks, what ever happened to Lindsey. I haven't heard from him all this week. I hope he's not coming down with something. Or maybe he's spending all the time he can with his Falconer Championship, because he knows that pretty soon it will be around the waist of someone who is not only better than him, not only better than his loser, fake mental illness gimmick, but around the waist of someone who is...BETTER THAN JESUS!

[The crowd gets silent and gives a mean stare at Merlin.]

Merlin- Wrong crowd for irony, I guess. [Uncomfortable pause] Hey, it's the Holy Spirit!

[Merlin points as everyone looks behind them while Merlin makes a mad dash for the door as the scene fades out.]

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