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Date Posted: 21:30:19 07/24/02 Wed
Author: "The Pinfall Wizard" Michael Merlin
Subject: Yes. This sucka be crazy.

[The scene opens up on a bright, shinny day. The sun is shinning and birds are chirping. It's a Mr. Rodger's wet dream. The camera shows a well-forested park and in the background we see dogs running back and forth, their enthralled owners in tow. Sticks are retrieved and a variety of brightly colored squeaky toys are tossed with reckless abandon. From off camera a happy voice is heard.]

Merlin- Fetch the stick, boy. Go on. Fetch!

[A stick is thrown into the scene and lands center. There is an uncomfortable pause before a calico cat walks slowly onto the scene. The cat takes a seat near the stick and begins to groom itself. An overly active individual burst onto the scene to encourage the less than zealous feline. It is "The Pinfall Wizard" Michael Merlin.]

Merlin-Go on. Pick up the stick, boy. [Uncomfortable pause] Well. Go on.

[The cat looks down at the stick and looks back up at Merlin with a hateful stare as if to say, "Pick up your own stick!" Never the less Merlin smiles happily in his blue jeans and T-Shirt that reads: "Treat Mental Illness. www.NoStigma.org]

Merlin- [Seeing the camera] Well hello boys and girls! It's everybody's favorite lightweight, everybody's favorite wrestler and everybody's favorite person, "The Pinfall Wizard" here once again. And we have oh so much to talk about. [Pause as Merlin points his ear at the camera] What's that? What kind of a person would bring a cat to a dog park? Well that's easy, boys and girls!

[Merlin smiles his sardonic grin as he begins to walk about the park with the camera panning right to follow.]

Merlin- A CRAZY person! That's right. I'm offering these deals for NO money down and 1.9% APR for the first six months! I must be crazy to offer these kinds of discounts! Oh wait. I'm not a car salesman, I'm a wrestler. Well, in the GWA it's hard to tell whether people want to be wrestlers, guns for hire or dark demons of the under verse!
Last night, at Insurresction, the lovely and talented Tyrone Tranza made the insightful reference that this "sucka" be crazy. And indeed, I have been accused that of much worse in the past. You see only a crazy person would execute a running springboard suicide plancha. So I MUST be crazy. That's nothing a sane person would do, oh no!
A sane person might try some move like a punch, grabbing my hair or a basic, bland as toast suplex. No crazy person would do something like that.

[Merlin stops in his tracks, turns to the camera for a bit of a pause]

Merlin- Or maybe I'm confusing the word "crazy" with the word "entertaining!" Now don't get me wrong, I wish no ill will towards the mentally unstable, but I get rather upset when someone like JJJJ Lindsey molds his entire career around everyone thinking he's off his rocker, when in fact he's sitting comfortably on an Ottoman. And not an Ottoman like Ali, but the furniture. Whatever. You get the metaphor!
At Insurrection, Lindsey proved once and for all that he does not have mental illness; he simply has a bad acting coach. His mind is about as divided as an OPEC meeting on whether to order fish or pork! You see, anyone actually suffering from mania would have the insanity to do something wacky and out there. Try a move that might actually entertain the audience. But not 4J. No sir. He was about as dull as a Jane Austin novel and as dead as an audience during one of his matches.
I thought that the two lightweight champions might be able to put on a show people would actually want to watch. Show them what cruiserweights can do. But despite the fact the fans actually pay Lindsey's salary, he let his ego get in his way and tried his best to force the audience to run get popcorn.

[Merlin appears to stop something in the background and starts to walk to the left, with camera and annoyed kitty cat in hot pursuit]

Merlin- Thank God he tagged out. At least Goliath put forth some effort. That over grown cabbage head gave 100% and gave the audience a good show. Even Joey Jackson, cousin of our money grubbing, sell out of an owner, busted me wide open on steel. That hurt like all get out, but at least he put forth a modicum of effort. And what did Lindsey do? He proceeded put on the most boring display of wrestling mediocrity I've seen since someone decided a New Rockers reunion was in order. So he can punch. Big Deal. The GWA Falconer Champion needs someone who can do more than a bar room brawl. They need someone who's real personality isn't so tripe and banal that they must make up mental illness to get over. So at To The Max, I'll be giving all my support to Ms. Galore and hope that she can save us all from the reign of boredom that has become Lindsey's Falconer championship run.

[Merlin stops to face the camera a bit more directly.]

Merlin- And Lindsey had better pray to every God his miniscule mind can possibly imagine that he loses. Because if he ever gets his hands on me again, it won't be "Of Mice and Men" that gets played out. It's going to be "The Grapes of Wrath" as Lindsey discovers that trying to brawl and grapple with the Pinfall Wizard is like searching for migrant work: An exercise in futility!

[Merlin puts on another one of his irreverent smiles and pets his cat as he makes his way to whatever it is he's walking towards.]

Merlin- But that's enough of that JERK-ASS! What about Steve "Two guys walk into a bar" Carter. I'd like to say I'm disappointed. I'd like to say I didn't see it coming. But from day one, Carter has been a joke. His first name is practically "A priest, a nun and a rabbi." I new if anyone was going to cost us that match, it would be him. And low and behold, it was. Oh well. Such is life. Carter has lost matches before and he's going to lose matches again. No use crying over spilt milk. The rest of us have moved on to have matches at the PPV, but it seems like Carters career has died out with AW. But no matter, I wish him the best of luck at the next Taco stand he works at.

[The sun is beginning to set as Merlin begins to pick up the pace.]

Merlin- Which leads me to my match at "To The Max." It seems I REALY pissed off Stormy boy. Not only is he putting as many AW guys in a match as he can, he's made it a Royal Rumble style match-up and taken away my ability to pin three pairs of shoulders to the mat. But I'm not worried. Let's see whom I've got to fight: E.J. Deuce McCaffery, whom I've already beaten for my Eagle Championship. Three Dollar Bill, a jock who can't seem to outlast his glory days, but who has the coolest name for a finisher I've ever seen! And Chase Maxim. The man who willingly involved himself in a gimmick in which he shoved a used Maxi pad down the throat of The Bomb Trax. The worst gimmick since Judy Bagwell on a Pole.

[He takes a moment to forget that abortion of a gimmick. We all should.]

Merlin- Now I'm never one to insult my opponents. In fact, I wish them well. I hope that on the 31st the four of us will jerk down that curtain and give the audience a match to remember. But I would like to point out that all of my opponents have yet to show their faces here in GWA. Are they afraid of me? No, I'm not scary, I'm loveable! Are they afraid Lindsey's promos might send them into a coma. Quite possibly. But I think it's most likely that they saw all the horrible "evil dark lord" and "crazy" gimmicks, they thought they had stumbled into a Hot Topic and made their way out. [Pointing off camera] Hey, there it is!

[The camera pans left to reveal a man behind the both a canival-esque stand. Above the disgruntled employee are the words "Singing Telegram" in bright, neon letters!]

Merlin- Hello, my good man. I would like to order a singing telegram.

Telegram Man- Who would you like it sent to?

Merlin- Jonathan Lindsey. But he may respond to other names. Like Joanna or John or JERK-ASS!

Telegram Man- And what would you like it to say. Or rather, sing?

[Merlin clears his voice and sings in the standard barber shop quartette manner.]

Merlin- Oh you're a Jobber Jobber Jobber
You're a Jobber Jobber Jobber
You're going to Job Job Job
You ugly, Texas Slob
Yes, you're a Jobber Jobber Jobber
You're a Jobber Jobber Jobber
And on Wendsday you will get Clobber Clobber Clobbered
Better take some Thorozine Thorozine Thorozine
Take some Thorozine Thorozine Thorozine
Or I will show you, show you, show you
Why I am Methanpheta-MEAN!
THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Telegram Man- Do you really want me to sing that?

Merlin- Yes. And I want you to sing it off key. Loudly.

Telegram Man- But dude, that's really, really lame!

Merlin- Of course. It's a singing telegram. And besides, it’s less lame than his gimmick. In fact, that poem is not only lame, it's not only annoying, it's...BETTER THAN JESUS!

[The cat looks up at Merlin and shakes his head.]

Merlin- Oh, you try coming up with a better way to work that in.

[[Merlin and the cat continue to argue while the Telegram man makes his way to deliver the singing telegram to John Lindsey as the scene fades to black.]

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