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Date Posted: 02:23:02 08/02/02 Fri
Author: "The Pinfall Wizard" Michael Merlin
Subject: Cheaters Never Win and...

[The scene opens up to a well lit living room. The furniture is as bland as a Jane Austin novel and the decorating seems better suited to a "Leave It To Beaver" rerun. The camera pans left past the olive sofa and paisley chair to reveal a Christmas tree in the corner. It seems only half way decorated as a lone figure is stringing lights up on the tree.]

Merlin- And this should everything middle class and wholesome enough to make Dick Army puke!

[The figure turns around to reveal "The Pinfall Wizard" Michael Merlin dressed in a maroon Christmas robe and blowing into what appears to be a bubble pipe. His T-Shirt underneath can be read to say "Cheaters Never Win. And Winners Never Cheat(tHis MeAns yOU xTreMe)"]

Merlin- Hello boys and girls. It's time for the Michael Merlin Christmas, Hanukkah and Ramadan Special, starring me, everyone’s favorite #1 Colosseum Contender, Michael Merlin. And yes, I know it's not quite Christmas yet, but I this is something I needed to do and I thought I might share with the rest of the class.
You see, after last night I needed to do something dreadfully wholesome. There was so much cheating, double crossing and backstabbing that it would make a session of Congress look like a Promise Keepers meeting. So I had to do something that would get all that negativity out of my system and get me smiling again. So here we are in the most bland, bourgeois thing I could think of at the time: Christmas in July! Or the first of August. Whatever.

[In the background the faint sounds of Bing Crosby's "White Christmas" can be heard.]

Merlin- There were so many beat downs and run-ins last night that half way through the PPV the referees just gave up trying to enforce the rules. Let's see if I can keep a running tab: Assassin beat down Goliath, Ali and Brandy beat down Galore, Galore beat down Benson, and Chris Damm beat down everyone! Now exactly what kind of a fed are we running here? Doesn't anyone play fair anymore? Can anyone answer my questions?

[An weathered old man steps into the camera shot from stage left. He is wearing a sweater vest and a half drunk smile and bears an uncanny resemblance to Bing Crosby.]

Bing- I believe I might be able to help you.

Merlin- Bing Crosby?!?!

Bing- No, I'm just an actor imitating him. But I still think I can help.

Merlin- Does this mean you're going to imitate beating his kids too?

Bing- Do you want my help or not?

Merlin- Sure thing, actor imitating Bing Crosby. Why is everyone in GWA such a dirty cheat?

Bing- Well, I think you need to turn that judgmental finger on yourself, Michael. Didn't you try and trick John Lindsey by dressing up as The Great Sasuke and then Missile Dropkick a chair into the back of his head?

Merlin- Sure, but he was about to beat down P. Galore with it. I was just trying to help. Besides, 4J has been ignoring me since I first showed up and I needed to send him a wake up call. In all honesty I don't think he'll be back. I don't think he's scarred of me, because I'm not scary, I'm lovable! I think that Lindsey may have come to the conclusion that I was right, his gimmick sucks and he's probably off trying to think of a new career as we speak. Perhaps a chicken plucker. Hey, they always need new squeegee guys out in the street.

Bing- I think that might be a little too complicated for Jonathan.

Merlin- True. Maybe they'll give him a job at McDonalds like they give to all the Special Olympic winners. That way, Lindsey can feel like a winner too!

Bing- That doesn't take away the fact you hit the man in the back of the head.

Merlin- I was just trying to help out Galore. Someone I thought might have a promising future as Falconer Champion. I thought she might turn out to be one of the good guys. After all, both Ali and Brandy tried to beat her down, and she beat them both off. And I thought "Hey, that girl's got heart!" But then, what did our illustrious Falconer Champion do? She beat down Kira Benson and cost her the Colosseum title! Why? To show that she's the top female around here? To piss on her territory in some sort of primitive cat fight, no pun intended? Did our Falconer Champion cost a good woman the championship for no other reason than to prove she is the "top bloody Sheila" or whatever stupid British colloquialism she wants to use?
Well this isn't Britain, Galore, this is Delaware!

Bing- America.

Merlin- Whatever. I can understand when someone wants to break the rules. I can't police every wrestler in the fed. But when that cheating starts to have an affect on The Pinfall Wizard, she and I have a REAL big problem, pussy cat! When that kitty interfered in the Colosseum Championship match, she made the decision that Benson wouldn't win. And since I am the one who will take on the new Colosseum champion, that means Galore stuck her head in MY business. I wanted to take on the wrestler most deserving of that belt, but now I won't get my chance. I saved that little girl from Loser Lindsey's chair bashing and how does she repay me? She lets a cheater win the Colosseum Championship. And I get real upset when I have to fight a cheater. I get more than upset, I get mean. No wait, I'm not just mean, I'm Methanpheta-MEAN! And when the Wizard gets like that, little kitty cats tend to get hurt!

Bing- Women are fickle creatures. Too concerned with ego. That's why I beat my wife.

Merlin- Dude! That's SO no cool. Now I can understand why Galore isn't exactly someone to look up to, but that doesn't mean all women are bad. And it's certainly no reason to beat them.
Not only do I have to deal with chode stains like Lindsey, Galore and Ali, but now I have to put up with you too? Are there no good guys left in the world? Does no one has respect for the fans anymore? No one has respect for the business. What has this fed come to when the only Falconers worth a damn are too busy cheating and conniving to try and put on a good match the fans will enjoy?

Bing- There does seem to be a lack of focus and ethical fortitude in the GWA these days. But what can you do?

Merlin- I'm going to do my best, that's what! This AW invasion lost a lot of steam when our four best guys had to compete in a Battle Royal against each other. Then, our supposed fearless leader, Kid Dynamo, gets knocked out before his match even began. Now I know I'm making a lot of enemies right now, but if Bruce Grant and Mr. Stone think they can stomp all over the AW, then they have another thing coming. We're not going to sit idle any longer while bullies and cheats run rampant all over this federation. Every man I fought at To The Max gave 110% and I'd be happy to face them again, especially E.J. But more importantly, every man put on a match that gave the audience their money's worth.

Bing- But you just trashed those guys a week ago.

Merlin- Talking trash about your brothers is one thing, but having repect for them is another. Now if Bruce Grant and Mr. Stone think they can go one on one with any member of AW in a clean fight and walk out without a big imprint of the mat on their shoulders, then they have another thing coming. We’re all young and hungry superstars, and we're just waiting to find someone to take our aggression out on. And Grant, you’re looking like a mighty large target, JERK-ASS.

Bing- Don't you think you're getting a little off track here, Merlin. You have a match against Xtreme for the Colosseum Championship. Don't you think it's time to make fun of him some more?

Merlin- Agreed. I'm still a little unclear what is so "xtreme" about this guy anyway? Does his inability to use the letter "e" make him for dangerous? Since his name is a rip off of a 1992 punk band, does it make him a better wrestler? Or perhaps he's named after the antiperspirant! How is anyone supposed to take him seriously? Even his name is out dated, over used and over commercialized.
The man hasn't had a clean win for the entire tournament run. But I'm a little sharper than some others, Xtremly Lame. I know all about the ropes and the tights and the interference. I've made it my career to combat cheats like you who don't have the wrestling talent to be champion of a school yard, much less a federation like GWA. So instead, you cheat. You disrespect your fellow competitor and you disrespect the industry and hope no one notices. And with so many rule breakers here, who would notice?

[Uncomfortable pause]

Merlin- I would, silly head. But, Xtremely Boring, the difference between all those other competitors and me is that I don't want to beat you down. Oh no. I may not like you, but that's no reason to be unneighborly. No, Xtremly Lazy, I don't want to kill you or make you bleed and destroy you. All I want to do is put your shoulders on the mat for three seconds. Then you can beat me up, beat me down and destroy whatever you feel you need to destroy. So threaten me, ignore me, patronize me all you want, but know that someday very, very soon you and I will meet in that squared circle, and when we do all your strength and cheating will be pretty useless after you're rolled up onto the mat. And that's coming from a man whose not just better than you...

Bing- Wait. you forgot to mention the guy that beat you down yesterday. What about the return of Chris Damm? He knocked you out good!

Merlin- So. He knocked everyone out. Damm doesn't scare me and he doesn't excite me. He might have been big back in the day, but he quit. He walked out on this fed and on this business. Damm is not a legend, he is a quitter. Q-U-I-T-T-E-R! Let him beat people up for a few more weeks before he decides he has something better to do. He left once. He'll leave again. Time to make room for other stars. Stars that aren't just better than Damm, stars that don't have to cheat to win, but stars that are...

Bing and Merlin- BETTER THAN JESUS!

Merlin- Hey, can we do the David Bowie duet thing?

Bing- Please leave now.

[Merlin hangs his head and walks away with a pouty look on his face as the scene fades to black.]

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