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Date Posted: 16:29:53 08/02/02 Fri
Author: "The Pinfall Wizard" Michael Merlin
Subject: I Confess. It was Me.

[The scene opens up in a video store. The place is rather empty for a Friday night, but the cheap carpeting and out dated rentals are tale-tale signs that this certainly isn't Blockbuster and the store has seen much better days. The camera pans right past the shelves of drama to show a tall man standing at the action section, looking at various titles.]

Tall Man- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3! Who buys this crap?

["The Pinfall Wizard" Michael Merlin jumps in from stage left, scarring the man half to death. Merlin is dressed in blue jeans and a shirt that read "No You're Not, JERK-ASS!"]

Merlin- Who buys that? I do! And what do you mean crap? TMNT 3 puts the "fun" in "funkadelic!" It rules! It has turtles that travel through time! What more do you want in a film?

Tall Man- Well, I was told it was much worse than the first two.

Merlin- The first two? You mean the ones in which Kevin Nash plays Super Shredder and the cameo by Vanilla Ice?

Tall Man- That's the one. Guess the second one kind of sucked too.

Merlin- Gosh darn right it did! Sucked more donkey ass than a Tiawannan porno film! I mean come on. Vanilla Ice. Seriously.

[Merlin shakes his head is disbelief before realizing the camera is on.]

Merlin- Oh, hello boys and girls! It's time once again for everybody's favorite wrestler, that's me by the way, to delight young and old alike with my opulent oratory! Or I could just bad mouth Xtreme some more. That would be cool too.

Tall Man- What kind of name is Xtreme?

Merlin- I'm glad you asked. It's not only the name of two bands, one from 1982 and one from the early 90's, it's also the name of an antiperspirant, a candy bar, a backpack and an entire channel of ESPN. Oh, and a wrestler too. But that last one doesn't really count.

Tall Man- Why not?

Merlin- No, literally doesn't count. The man doesn't have a fourth grade education. He needs a tutor to get a three count. It's sad, really. But I don't blame old Xy McXerton for being too dumb too pour piss out of a boot if directions were written on the heel, I blame society. It's society's fault for tolerating big, dumb, lumbering jerk-asses who cheat and steal to get what they want. X is just the product of low level "X"it exams and lowered "X"pectations among today's youth.

Tall Man- Okay. Whatever. I'm just trying to find a movie for...

Merlin- I'm glad you agree with me sir. And speaking of Vanilla Ice, it seems I get a shot at the King of Xtremely Lame Gimmicks in Vanilla Ice's home town of Irvine next Wednesday.

Tall Man- Vanilla Ice is from Carleton.

Merlin- The means streets of suburban Carleton. And Carleton is just a few mid-cities away, so lets call it even and go with the theme.

[Merlin turns to the camera]

Merlin- So X wants to accuse me of stealing his Colosseum belt. Despite the fact that I never showed any interest in him or his belt. Despite the fact I've been pretty busy with more important people in recent weeks. And despite the fact that I'm a good guy, I don't steal! Well, guess what? I did it. That's right. I stole your belt. I'm the mystery man. You found me out. How on earth could you be so clever? I beat you up, X, and then I took you're belt and now it's mine. You'll never get it back. HA HA HA! No need to keep looking for that assailant, I confess. It was me!
The question remains, what are you going to do about it, X? Are you going to find me and rip me apart limb from limb? Are you going to rip my soul apart or something similarly absurd? No, of course not. You're going to wait. That's exactly what you're gong to do. You're going to wait until Insurrection. Until then, you're going to have to sit on your fat rear end and endure me making fun of you. Like this:

[Merlin adopts a whiny, mocking tone]

Merlin- Hello, my name is Xtreme and I'm a big fat stupid head! My parents fed me chicken soup from a paint can and built me a swing facing a wall. Blah Blah Blah. I sure am scarred of Michael Merlin. He's going to beat me down like he did at To The Max when he stole my title belt. I'm REAL scarred. And now I have soiled myself. If only I weren't so lame. If only I didn't steal my name from a notebook company! But I did, and now I'm going to get pinned faster than Cathy comic on a lesbian message board. Blah Blah Blah.

[Back in his Delawarean accent]

Merlin- Like that. There's nothing you can do. Oh, I'm sure you could wait until Insurrection where you claim you're going to "make me suffer."
Well congratulation, Xtreme, you've already made me suffer. You're boring promos are enough to make anyone tap out! Having to watch you in front of a camera for any period of time is punishment enough. I beg of you, please stop talking! I understand why you want to punish me, but think of the children. Won't you PLEASE think of the children!
But X was right about one thing. I do regret the day I heard the name Xtreme. It's SO lame. Seriously. Did he read off a Power Bar wrapper and think it was cool? Sure, everyone makes fun of his name. But did Xtreme ever consider the very serious possibility that everyone makes fun of his name, because his name is so gosh darn stupid. If eighty seven people have made fun of your name, X, the problem doesn't lie in those eighty seven people, it lies in YOU! The name is stupid. No one likes it. Change it. Please, for the love of God, change you're name. When people read that the Colosseum Champion is "Xtreme"" the first thing they're going to think is "Wow. What kind of a lame fed would have someone named after a bicycle?"

Tall Man- Or a candy bar?

Merlin- But that won't be a problem for long, X my lad. Because you won't be champion for much longer. Now I know you love pain and destruction and all that other teenage angst garbage. Most jobbers do. And I'm sure, come Insurrection, you're going to beat me down and make me juice all over Texas stadium. I'm sure you're going to try and give me more concussions than Troy Aikman got in that very arena. Well I've got news for Mr. X, I'm used to that. You think somebody of my size hasn't been beaten bloody ten million times in this business. You think I haven't been the bloody hacky sack of every federation I've ever been in? I can take your punishment, X, and then I can take some more. I've made it my career to take all the punishment guys like you can dish out. That's something we have in common, X. We both love the thrill of a bloody fight.
But the trick is that I don't NEED to hurt you, X. All I need to do is put your shoulders on that mat. I'm probably going to hurt you quite a bit in between that first bell and that last bell, but the goal is not to make you suffer. It's to make you lose! That's the difference between us, X. you're just a bully looking for someone to hurt, and I'm a wrestler. You go out and cheat and rob and steal the fans of a clean match, where-as I actually have respect for the people who pay their hard earned money to see us wrestle.

Tall Man- Speaking of hard earned money, what's up with your shirt. I don't get it.

Merlin- Xtreme's shirt says "I'm Cooler Than You." Mine says "No You're not, JERK-ASS!" It's a running gag. Get it?

Tall Man- Got it. You were saying...

Merlin- Oh yeah. Xtreme may say it's not cheating if the ref doesn't see it, but I think we both know that's something cheaters tell themselves so they can look in the mirror day after day. If Xtreme cheats, it means he knows he can't win fair. He knows he's not as good a wrestler as Kira Benson. He knows that Outlaw could wrestle circles around him. But this time is going to be different, Xtreme. This time I know that you're going to try and compensate for a complete lack of wrestling ability. And cheating is one thing The Pinfall Wizard doesn't stand for. Try and pull that tight-grabbing, rope using garbage with me and you'll discover why I'm not just mean, I'm Methanpheta-MEAN!

[Merlin cuts out the serious tone and adopts an irreverent smirk.]

Merlin- But just because I don't cheat doesn't mean I think I'm special, it just mean I'm a better wrestler.But I'm not special. No, not as special as Xtreme. Now he's VERY special.

Tall Man- Special like the Olympics?

Merlin- That's it! And what's up with him making fun of my name? He at least could have said something funny like "Wizard? Does that mean you're magically delicious?" or "Why don't you use you're magic powers to make yourself disappear?" But instead he had to go and make the King Arthur reference. If Xtreme knew any thing he'd know that Merlin built Arthur, made him, used him and left him for dry when Arthur was too old to serve Merlin's purpose. While Arthur was off pouting about his cheating wife, Merlin ran the nation of Briton! He never played second fiddle to anyone.
Just like those of us in AW were there because we wanted to be. And our sell out of an owner got too lazy to deal with talent of our caliber. Just because Xtreme has been here longer does not mean he's better than me. In fact, I'm not only better than Xtreme, I'm not only better than the lame P.R. guy who named him, I'm...BETTER THAN JESUS!

Tall Man- Can I go now?

Merlin- Sure. Enjoy the movie. And shop a Thrift Store Video again soon.

[The man runs off as fast as he can while Merlin grabs a copy of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle 3 as the scene fades to black.]

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