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Well, hello there, this is your average, run-of-the-mill narrator here again. Nothing special, really, but I’m good at narrating. That’s why they hired me.
Who are they? You mean John Grim and Thanatos? They’re wrestlers. Together, they make up a tag team called The Wicked. Here. In the GWA. Not much is really known about either of them, and what I know, well, that’s up for you to find out.
Anyways, you know how recently wrestlers have seen more publicity, they have become accepted into the mainstream? They show up in movies, at movie premiers, they sing, they rap, they write bestsellers. They also appear on game shows. After the success of promotion on “The Weakest Link,” the GWA thought it would be best to cash in on this bandwagon. Thus, they are having two of their rising stars make their rounds to the various game shows. And of course, since I’m here, those two rising stars must be Grim and Thanatos. Today, we will join in and fin John Grim competing on Jeopardy against Stone Cold Steve Austin and the Rock, both of WWF fame. Well, let’s join Thanatos, who is backstage…
The camera fades in to Thanatos, looking at and speaking to someone who is off camera. Thanatos: So, anyways, last night at the hotel, I was banging this hot redhead, she was kicking and… oh, the camera is on? Why didn’t you tell me that, jackass? Thanatos turns to face the camera, smoothing his hair over. Thanatos: Hey hey, it’s me, your favorite Falconer, Thanatos. I’m here, backstage at Jeopardy… Narrator: Which I just told all the viewers about thirty seconds ago. Thanatos: Shut up you… Anyways, I’m backstage here, and my partner in The Wicked, John Grim, is out there ready to make a fool of himself in front of a national television audience. He’s going to be competing against Stone Cold and The Rock, from the WWF of course, to raise money for his favorite charity… the winner get twenty-five thousand, the losers get ten grand each. Johnny boy is going to be competing to make money for the National Lung Cancer Foundation… well, it looks like they are getting ready to start, cuz that old fossil Alec Trebek is walking out there. And now, onto your regularly scheduled programming… The camera fades out, then fades in again to a wide shot of all the contestants as Alec Trebek walks out to his podium. Alec: Today, on celebrity Jeopardy, we have three contestants from the world of professional wrestling. First, coming to us from the World Wrestling Federation and playing for the National Liver Cancer Society, Stone Cold Steve Austin! Alec: I’m sorry Mr. Austin, we don’t allow alcohol on the show… Austin: WHAT!?! WHAT!?! You trying to tell Stone Cold what he can do? WHAT!?! WHAT!?! I oughtta stomp a mudhole in your ass and walk it dry! WHAT!?! WHAT!?! Alec: Never mind then… Austin: WHAT!?! Alec: I said… Austin: WHAT!?!?! The camera shifts over one podium to show The Rock, standing with an eyebrow raised. Alec: Our next contestant, also from the World Wrestling Federation, he is playing for the National Multiple Sclerosis Fund, The Rock! Rock: The Rock wants to know- How are you doing Mr. Trebek? Alec: Well, I’m… Rock: IT DOESN”T MATTER how you’re doing. What matters is that The Rock has finally come back to… Jeopardy… and is here, in front of his millions… (he pauses) Alec: Well… Rock: AND MILLIONS of fans, and he damn well will make sure that he wins the twenty-five thousanddddddd dollars for his charity, the National Multiple Sclerosis Fund! Hey, Alec, do you smell something? Alec: Smell what? Rock: Do you SMELL….. what the ROCK…. Is cooking? Alec: Well, that was entertaining… now, onto our third and final contestant, he is from the Gladiator Wrestling Association, playing for the National Lung Cancer Foundation, John Grim. The camera pans over to John Grim, who is idly standing there, looking quite bored. John: Hiya Alec. How you doin? Alec: Fine… um, you don’t have any stupid catchphrases you yell? John: Nope. Alec: No long-winded speeches? John: Nope. Alec: Don’t want to give a shout to “the people” or talk about stomping a mudhole in me? John: Not particularly. Alec: Well then, let’s get on with the show, shall we… Our categories today are “WWF”, “GWA”, “Ladies In Wrestling”, “Titles”, “Hall of Famers”, and lastly “Finishing Moves.” Mr. Austin, we’ll start with you. Austin: I’ll take WWF for 100 please, Alec. Alec: This wrestler has spent over a Decade of Destruction in the WWF…. Yes, The Rock. Rock: Well, the Rock says that you’re talking about the Brooklyn Brawler. Alec: I’m sorry, but the answer must be stated in the form of a question. And while the Brawler has spent over ten years in the WWF, he is not who the question refers to… Yes, Stone Cold. Austin: WHAT!?! Alec: You pressed the buzzer, do you have an answer? Austin: WHAT!?! Alec: I’ll take that as a no… John Grim, would you like to guess? John: Sure Alec… Who is The Undertaker, also known as Mean Mark Callaway. Alec: That is correct… you get one hundred dollars, plus control of the board… John: I’ll take GWA for 100 please. Alec: This wrestler is GWA’s “biggest” star… Rock? Rock: The Rock says… who is Jim Daher? John: He said biggest star, not biggest ego… Alec: John, please refrain from commentary… and no, the answer is not Jim Daher… yes John, an answer? John: Who is Bedlam? Austin: WHAT!?! WHAT!?! John: Oh will you just shut up… just because you have the most annoying chant around doesn’t mean you have to flaunt it… Alec: Yes John, Bedlam is the correct answer… you may pick again. John: Could I have GWA for 200? Rock: The Rock says that the GWA ain’t WORTH 200 bucks… John (shrugs): They pay my bills, what can I say? Alec: Here is the answer- This tag team, the current Legion Tag champions, have weather related names… Stone Cold? Austin: What’s my watch say? WHAT!?! Alec: Never mind… yes, John. John: Who are Rayne and Hayle? Alec: That is correct… Rock: Rayne? Hayle? The Rock wants to know where Papa Snow and Mother Sleet are! The Rock wants to know how those two phony jabronis came up with those names, were they watching the Weather Channel? Alec: Please pick again John… John: I’ll take Ladies in Wrestling for 100 please… Alec: This female was the on-screen fiancé of Test as well as the on-screen husband of Triple H… yes, Rock. Rock: Yeah, and off-screen she was banging everyone else… who is Stephanie McMahon? Alec: You are correct… Rock: The Rock wants to know, Stone Cold Steve Austin, did you bang the million-dollar princess? Austin: WHAT!?! If you think Stone Cold Steve Austin banged Stephanie McMahon, gimme a hell yeah! Rock: The Rock also wants to know… how about you, Mr. Trebek? Alec: Well… there was this one time… Rock: And you, Mr. GWA, MR. John Grim, the Rock wants to know… John: And the answer is of course… I don’t think there is anyone in the business that hasn’t. The camera cuts backstage to where Thanatos is. He faces the camera with an eyebrow raised and a wry smile on his face. He shrugs. Thanatos: Hey, what can I say, there was this Christmas party two years ago, and she grew up not far away from me and… ah well. Vince, your daughter is truly the biggest whore in the business. She’s fucked more men than Jim Daher. And that’s saying a lot. Narrator: So that means that she’s slept with, what, a good couple of dozen? I mean, Daher’s gotta have a good twenty guys as notches on his headboard by now. Thanatos: I knew we hired you for a reason… The camera flashes back to a full lens shot of the contestants. Alec: Rock, you and Stone Cold are even at nothing, while John has the lead with a total of four hundred dollars. Rock, your pick. Rock: I’ll take Titles for 100. Alec: This title, currently held by the Undertaker, has also been held by such esteemed competitors as the Big Bossman and Crash Holly… yes, Steve? Austin: WHAT!?! WHAT!?! What is… the Hardcore title. Alec: I’m sorry… oh, wait a minute, you actually answered the question… and correctly! You get one hundred dollars added to your total, please pick a category… Austin: WHAT!?! If you don’t stop with those snide remarks, good ole Stone Cold is gonna open a can of whoop ass up on you. Alec: Yes, I’m sorry for that remark.. now please, pick a category. Austin: I’ll take Ladies in Wrestling for 200, Alec. Alec: This female, of WWF fame, is a bodybuilder and current holder of the Women’s Title… Yes John? John: Who is Trish Stratus? Alec: You are correct… John: Hey, Rocky, you had a piece of that poontang pie? Rock: The Rock says he did not just hear you cop his line! John: C’mon Rock, the people want to know... the MILLIONS and MILLIONS of John Grim’s fans want to know… did you… have a taste.. of that sweeeeeet poontang pie of Miss Stratus’? Rock: The Rock says he’s going to open up a can of whoop ass right here if you don’t stop taking his bits. Austin: WHAT!?! WHAT!?! Stone Cold Steve Austin says you use his line one more time and he’ll take his size thirteen boot, polish it up all nice and shiny, turn the sum’bitch sideways and shove it straight up your candyass! Alec: Please, fellows, let’s… John: Hey, Alec, why don’t you just shut… the hell… UP! Suckah! At this, Booker T jumps from the front row in the audience onto the stage and pushes Alec away from the podium. Booker: Now I know… suckah… I didn’t just hear you say that, did I? You didn’t just say… what I think you said. John: Yeah, suckah, I did… What, are you going to threaten me with a Spin-a-roni? Austin: WHAT!?! WHAT!?! John, Booker, Alec and The Rock: WHY DON’T YOU JUST SHUT THE HELL UP! Rock: Don’t you know how annoying it is to hear “WHAT” every other second? Alec is trying to push Booker T away from the podium Booker: Hold on a second, suckah… Alec: Get away from my podium, dammit! Alec pushes Booker. Booker gives him a shove back, and the geriatric game show host starts pummeling Booker. He kicks Booker in the stomach… and gives him the Stone Cold Stunner! Rock: The Rock says Booker T just got a mudhole stomped in him… Austin: What did I tell you about taking my lines? WHAT!?! John: What the hell is Trebek doing... he’s got Booker in the Walls of Jericho! You go, old man! Austin: Now that’s what I like to see… the millions and millions of Trebek’s fans are loving it too. If you SMELL what the TREBEK is COOKING! Rock: That’s it, whitey… if you want to see the Rock give Stone Cold the Rock Bottom, gimme a HELL YEAH! At this, Austin and the Rock begin to trade punches back and worth, knocking over the podiums and spilling out into the middle of the stage. The camera cuts to the back, where Thanatos is looking on. Thanatos: Well, isn’t this fun. Narrator: Yes, quite entertaining… Thanatos: What did I tell you about interrupting me? Anyways, I think I’ll go out and join my buddy for front row action. The camera cuts back to a full stage shot. Trebek has let Booker up and is charging in after the Rock. Thanatos walks into the podium next to Grim, who is standing there with his chin on his hand, calmly observing what is going on. Thanatos: Hey Johnny boy… let’s do play by play. You can be Tyrone this time… John: I don’t want to be that loudmouthed jackass. He’s one suckah short of a deck, if you know what I’m saying… you get to be Ty-boy this time, I’m Kevin. Thanatos: Why do I have to always be Tyrone? John: Because you’re quite a bit smaller then me. Don’t make me have to punk you out… Thanatos: Okay, fine… well, start calling the play by play, will you? John: Okay… Well, the Rock and Trebek are going at it now… Trebek gets the upper hand… Rock goes for a clothesline, Trebek ducks it… Trebek crouches waiting… Thanatos: Oh yeah! Did you see what that suckah did to that suckah! The suckah got his suckah ass nailed by that suckah! John: Yeah, that’s a good imitation of Tyrone… Trebek hit the Icon’s Smackdown… er, Rock Bottom… er, whatever you want to call it, on the Rock! Both Booker and the Rock are out cold, now Alec gives a kick to Austin… IMPALER! Thanatos: That suckah put that other suckah’s suckah ass head through the floor, that suckah’s suckah ass head is suckah ass open suckah wide! John: It looks as though Trebek is the winner… and the entire crowd is on their feet, cheering for him! Thanatos: Damn right suckah, he’s... oh shit, HE’S COMING AFTER US!
The camera zooms in on Stone Cold, who holds up a “Steveweiser”