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Narrator: Well, the other day, we observed the breakdown of a human psyche as Alec Trebek lost his marbles and laid out three World Wrestling Federation superstars on Jeopardy. Our heroes, Thanatos and John Grim, however, managed to escape the claws of the terrifying trivia master, leaving as the geriatric genius turned his attention to them. After escaping, they made their way back to the hotel for a good night’s rest. Tonight, however, we find them back at the ABC studios for a taping of “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.” John boy is backstage as Thanatos is awaiting his call to join quizmaster Regis Philbin on the dais. The camera fades in from black to reveal John Grim backstage at the set John: Hey hey, it’s me, it’s me, it’s Tha JG! Narrator: Remember what I said last time about copyright infringement? John: Remember what we said last time about firing your ass? Narrator: Sorry sir… John: That’s better… as I was saying, it’s me, John Grim, here, backstage at “Who Want to be a Millionaire?” Tonight, my tag team partner Thanatos is going to face a slew of difficult questions in his pursuit of winning up to one million dollars for his favorite charity, the Center for Birth Control… He figures that birth control help is needed worldwide, so that people don’t keep churning out wastes of oxygen such Caprice and the rest of her Violent Femme lesbian pals, people like Rayne and Hayle and, of course, the Poster Child for birth control, Jim Daher…. But I digress. It seems that it is time for good old Thanatos to start answering the questions… let’s go to camera two to pick up the action. The scene shifts to a wide view of the set, zooming in until Thanatos can be seen sitting across from Regis Philbin. It continues to zoom in until Thanatos and Regis are the only two persons on the screen. Regis turns to the camera and smiles. Regis: Good evening to our studio audience as well as the audience at home… tonight, we have on this special live version of the show Thanatos, from the GWA… so tell me a little about yourself, Thanatos… Thanatos: Well, Regis, I’m from… ah, I’d rather not say. I’ve been a wrestler for a few years now, only recently joining the GWA. I have one brother back at home… heya bro… and my tag team partner, John Grim, is backstage… some of my hobbies include hunting, deep sea fishing, investing, and crocheting. Regis: Crocheting? That seems to be an odd choice for a wrestler. Thanatos: Well, it’s something to do on the road… hey, are you making fun of it? Regis: Well… no, not at all. Thanatos: Good, because if you were, I’d have to piledrive your ass through the floor. Regis: Ahem, you can’t say “ass” on national television. Thanatos: Why not? You just did. Regis: Well I…. Regis looks lost for words, and the music cues in just in time to avoid him looking any stupider. Regis: Let’s get started here… some of these questions will take from your wrestling knowledge, while others will challenge your general knowledge… first question: Who’s face is on the penny… is it Abraham Lincoln, Jimmy Carter, Mickey Mantle or Little Debbie? Thanatos: Little Debbie? From “Debbie Does Dallas” Regis: No, Little Debbie from the snack makers… Thanatos: Oh… damn… well, then, I’ll go with Lincoln. Regis: That is correct… now, for two hundred dollars, a wombat is which of the following… a marsupial, a fruit, a bird or a mountain. Thanatos: That would be a marsupial, Regis. Regis: Once again, you are correct… next question, for four hundred dollars, which of the following is not a titleholder in the GWA…. Rayne, Drake Maxwell, Jim Daher or Crisis? Thanatos: Well, Regis, that would be, as we all well know, that sucker who lost to Caprice DeLioncourte, the one and only, the Falconer who no longer matters, Jim Daher. Regis: You don’t get along with him? Thanatos: Absolutely not, Reggie-baby… Regis: Ah well, that’s too bad… no, onto our one thousand dollar question… which of the following is not a wrestling hold… a full nelson, a headlock, a half nelson or a Nelson Mandela? Thanatos: Um… riiiiiight. That’s simple. Nelson Mandela. Regis: You are correct, and you now have one thousand dollars towards your charity, the Center for Birth Control… may I ask you, why did you choose this charity? Thanatos: Sure, go ahead… There is silence as both men look at each other Regis: Well? Thanatos: Go ahead and ask, I’m waiting… Regis: Must you take me so literally? Thanatos: Yup. Regis: Well then…. Why did you choose the Center for Birth Control? Thanatos: Well, the way I see it, the world would be better off without people such as Sianna Kane, Jimbo Daher, Rayne… etc. So, we should put as much money towards helping people avoid making such mistakes. Regis: Seems logical.. well, let’s go on with the game… now, for two thousand dollars, which of the following movies did not star Clint Eastwood… is it “High Plains Drifter,” “In the Line of Fire,” “Unforgiven,” or “Hot Shots: Part Deux.” Thanatos: Well, in the words of Clint… “Do you feel lucky? Huh punk, do you?” And I do feel lucky, and I do know my Eastwood, so I’ll go with “Hot Shots” Regis: Correct… now, for four thousand dollars, which of the following anime shows is Gene Starwind the lead character… is it “Cowboy Bebop,” “Dragonball Z,” “Outlaw Star,” or “Batman Beyond”? Thanatos: Well, “Batman” isn’t anime, and the name is too normal for “Dragonball Z.” Anyways, I’m a huge fan of Katsuhiko Chiba’s work… That would be “Outlaw Star.” Regis: Final answer? Thanatos: Do me a favor. Don’t ask me that question. Ever. Whatever answer I give will be my final answer. I hate those two words… they send shivers up my spine, just like the two words “Caprice DeLioncourte,” especially when bookended by another two words, “Falconer champion.” Regis: I didn’t realize those words had that affect on you… so, is that your final… Thanatos wags his finger at Regis. Thanatos: Please. Don’t make me drop you in front of your viewing audience. Regis: “Outlaw Star” is correct, and you now have four thousand in the bank, going for eight… which of the following acronyms is a federal agency… is it DDT, DEA, RVD or NOP? Thanatos: Heh… DDT is a chemical, RVD is a hack, and I have a friend in the DEA, which is the correct answer. Regis: Right you are again, you move on to the sixteen thousand dollar question… What was President Dwight D. Eisenhower’s middle name… was it Daniel, Dwight, Drew or David? Thanatos: That’s simple… he was Dwight DAVID Eisenhower, a good president and a great general. Regis: Correct answer… now, for thirty-two thousand dollars to your charity, this is another history related question… Theodore Roosevelt, before becoming the president of the United States, was the police commissioner in what city… was it Los Angeles, Juneau, New York City or Philadelphia. Thanatos: Well, Regis, in case you did not know, I minored in history in college, and wrote a term paper for my freshman year American History class on Teddy Roosevelt, so if this was meant to stump me, it was badly done… the answer is New York City. Regis: Is that your final… Thanatos: Now what did I say only two minutes ago? Regis: Sorry… you are correct, and you now have thirty-two thousand towards your charity. We would like to take a short break now, and “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” will return, after these commercials. The camera runs as the show goes to commercial Regis: You know, I really dislike you… Thanatos: Don’t fret, Reggy boy, the feeling is mutual… but do your job, I’ll do mine, I can get out of here and give the Center its money, and we can forget I was ever here. Regis: Look, you little pansy, I know how to kill a man with just my hands… I’m a black belt in judo, so don’t try any of your fake-ass wrestling mumbo-jumbo on me. I’ll pound you into the ground. Thanatos: Is that a promise? You be a smartass to me, and I’ll drive you straight through your little podium here, than take your chair and beat you with it. After that, I’ll go host your morning show tomorrow morning, and after the show is done, I’ll take your sweet co-host there, Kelly Ripa, backstage to the green room, lock the door, and have me some fun… Regis: Why, you insolent little… Producer: We’re on in five… four… Regis hurriedly straightens his tie and throws Thanatos an evil look. Thanatos responds by smiling and flipping Regis the bird. He is still smiling but has put his hand down as the countdown hits one and the camera rolls. Regis: Hello and welcome back to this special edition of “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.” Thanatos is still here, with thirty-two thousand dollars in the bank. We were just discussing my co-host on my morning show, Kelly Ripa, and the work that she has done before the show as well as the double duty she’s doing, being on “All My Children” as well as our morning show… well, Thanatos, are you ready to try for sixty-four thousand dollars for the Center for Birth Control? Thanatos: Golly gee, Regis, I just well think I might be! Regis: Are you mocking me? Thanatos twitches and begins to move like Regis, copying his facial expressions Thanatos (in a higher, lighter, somewhat lispy voice): Are you mocking me? Regis: I guess that’s a yes… for sixty-four thousand dollars, what is the second smallest state in the United States… is it Delaware, Rhode Island, Indiana or Texas. Thanatos: Well, Regis, that would be Delaware. Regis: Correct again, sir… now, for one hundred and twenty-eight thousand dollars… which city was home to the King of Rock and Roll, Elvis Pressley… was it Nashville, Houston, Indianapolis or Memphis. Thanatos: Well, Elvis was the best thing to come out of this city… and quite frankly, we have to deal daily with possibly the worst thing to come out of that city, besides the Grizzlies… and that would be “The Only Falconer That No Longer Matters,” Jim Daher. They are both from Memphis, Tennessee. Regis: I believe we detect some animosity here… but nevertheless, your answer is correct. Thanatos: Well of course it is… do you think I’d give the wrong answer? My IQ is grossly high. I’ve tested off the charts… do you think I don’t know the answer to anything? Regis: Well, we try our best… for two hundred and fifty thousand dollars now, getting very close to the one million dollar mark. To make that money, you must answer this following question… who is the current President of the GWA… is it Steven Fury, Haseem Nasser Ali, Charlie Dream or Charlize Theron… Thanatos: Mmmmm…. Charlize Theron… I’d love to get in her… oh yeah, we’re on national television… and we’re on a frickin’ Disney owned channel… mmm…. Charlize Theron… Thanatos stares off into space, daydreaming about what he could do with her. Regis: Um, do you have an answer… Thanatos: Mmmm… Charlize… oh, sorry Regis. Um, yeah, the answer is Haseem Nasser Ali. Regis: You are once again correct… Thanatos: Mmmm…. Charlize… Theron… Charlize… Regis: Our next question is for half a million dollars… are you paying attention? Thanatos: Can you hook me up with her? Regis: For half a million… what was that? Thanatos: Could you… ya know… set something up? Regis: Let’s finish the show, then we’ll talk… for half a million, which of the following airplanes is a “stealth” airplane… is it the B-52, the B-2, the F-14 or the DC-10? Thanatos: Um… Thanatos ponders for a few moments. Thanatos: I’d like to use the fifty-fifty on this… Regis: Okay, let’s take away two… and we have left the B-2 and the B-52… Thanatos: Hmm, those were the two I was pondering… okay, let’s ask the audience. Regis: All right, audience members, pick which you like, the B-52 or the B-2… The camera pans around the audience as they push their keypads. It zooms back to Regis and Thanatos as the results appear on the screen. Regis: Well, it seems that fifty-one percent say the B-52, forty-nine percent said the B-2… do you have an answer? Thanatos: I’d like to phone a friend please… Regis: And who would that be? Thanatos: That would be my good friend, Bill the Narrator Dude. Regis: Well, let’s get Bill on the phone… Bill, are you there? Narrator: Yes, I’m here Regis… Regis: Well, you know the question and the choices, you have thirty seconds to discuss it with Thanatos here. Narrator: Okay… Thanatos, can you guarantee that if I’m right, I’ll have a contract for the next five years as your narrator, paid vacations, a good medical plan, and you will not abuse me as much? Thanatos: No… but if you’re wrong, I can guarantee you’ll be fired on public television. Narrator: Oh. It’s the B-2. He hangs up immediately Regis: I see you have a way with people… well, will you go with his answer? Thanatos: Come on, Reggy boy, do you think someone whose job is riding on an answer is going to tell you the wrong answer? Yeah, I think I’ll go with the B-2. Regis: And the correct answer is… He pauses for a moment to produce suspension. Thanatos: You know, Regis, the longer you pause, the longer a butt whoopin’ you’re going to get after the show. Regis: Okay, okay, you are correct… now, for the whole enchilada, for the big cheese, for the monster pile of cash, for the… Thanatos: Will you just SHUT UP and read the damn question? Regis: Fine… what is the sixth digit of pi… is it one, five, two or nine? Thanatos: You gotta be kidding me… Regis: Don’t know the answer? Thanatos: I can’t believe you’d ask such a simple question… Regis: You’re bluffing. You don’t know the answer! You’re going to lose! Regis: They were right, wrestlers are stupid! You don’t know the answer! Thanatos: One more word, Regis… Regis: And you’ll what? You don’t know the answer! Thanatos swivels his head towards the audience, shrugs, turns around and pulls Regis close, then nails him with the Icon’s Smackdown! Thanatos: The answer, bitch, is nine… pi is 3.14159265358979… BITCH!… oh, I don’t think you’re even listening. Adios, cock-knocker. Thanatos walks off the stage as the audience rises as one to applaud. A chair is thrown, falling on Regis… then another… suddenly, a wave of chairs comes flying in as Thanatos waves for the audience to throw more… that is, until one bounces off his foot, at which time he beats a hasty retreat to the back, where a camera catches him and John Grim. Thanatos: Man, that rocked… I won the million… and at the end there, I felt like fuckin’ Cactus Jack, in that match he had in the ECW when he was teamed with the Funker… John Grim: Yeah, that was a kick-ass match… dude, we’d better high tail it out of here. Not only did you just beat the crap out of Regis, I heard Alec Trebek found out that we’re here and is headed this way! Thanatos: Shit man… let’s go… oh, wait a minute, you know what we have to do before we leave.
Thanatos stands up, and Regis rises as Thanatos gets in his face.