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Date Posted: 17:18:29 10/06/01 Sat
Author: Xtreme
Subject: Tech Support

(The scene opens inside of Xtremes apartment. Xtreme has on a blue T-shirt that says “You Wish You Were Half As Cool As Me” on the front and a pair of blue jeans. Jake is sitting up on the couch, flipping through channels at a furious pace. Xtreme tries to figure out whats on each channel, but Jake keeps flipping through the channels. Xtreme, obviously frustrated, yells at Jake)


Xtreme: Would you pick one channel and stay on it?


Jake: Well that would hardly be channel surfing then, would it? I have to keep a steady pace or else my retinas could explode.


Xtreme: No they couldn’t.


(Jake pauses for a moment and lets one channel stay on for more than half a second. He drops the remote and begins to clutch his face)


Jake: MY EYES!! OH THE PAIN!! THE HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE PAIN!


(Xtreme, completely unphased by Jake, gets up and takes the remote)Xtreme: Yoink.


Jake: OWWW!!! Hey....gimme that back!


Xtreme: Uhh, hello Jake....I said “Yoink”.


Jake: Oh, you have a point there.


(As Jake begins to calm down, there is a knock at the door. Xtreme looks rather confused at first, but then apparently realizes who it is and runs to the door. He opens it and standing in front of him is a UPS man, with a big box and a smaller box on top of that box on a cart)


UPS Man: I got me some packages here for a Mr. Xtreme. Are you him?


Xtreme: Who?


UPS Man: Xtreme. Are you, or are you not Xtreme?


Xtreme: Yeah I’m him, and by him I mean Xtreme.


UPS Man: Good, now all I need you to do is sign here....here....here....and over here.....and on this paper....and this paper too....oh yeah and on this last page too.


Xtreme: Were all those signatures necessary?


UPS Man: No....only one was. I just wanted your signatures so I could sell them on eBay. Have a nice day


Xtreme: You bloody bastard. Well you’re not getting a tip, now get out of here.


(The UPS Man walks away and Xtreme wheels the big boxes into his apartment. He sets them down next to his TV and stares at them)


Jake: What’d you get, Xtreme?


Xtreme: I thought it was time I kept up with all the cool kids and bought myself a com-pu-tar.


Jake: Ooo, so now we can go on the internet.


Xtreme: They have the internet on computers now, eh? Well I’ll just have to “surf” this world wide interweb as soon I can get it unpacked.


Jake: Internet, Xtreme. Internet.


Xtreme: Shut up Jake, help me set this thing up.


(Xtreme and Jake begin opening the boxes, and taking out all the pieces and parts of the computer. The scene fades out, but then fades back in and the computer is set up, and on a desk, next to Xtreme’s TV. The two men stand in front of it, just staring at it)


Xtreme: So how does it umm.....how does it work?


Jake: I’m not sure....is it on?


Xtreme: I don’t think its on....unless its already on and we’re surfing the internet.


(The screen is black)


Jake: Wow...the internet is a lot darker than I thought.


(Xtreme looks over the front of the computer, and a light bulb appears over his head. He presses the biggest button on the front of the tower and all the little lights on the tower and the moniter come on)


Xtreme: It was off the whole time....Just like I thought it was.


Jake: No you didn’t.


Xtreme: Shut up, Jake.


(The computer starts up and plays its start up noise at a ear shattering volume. Jake and Xtreme put their hands over their ears, but the sound keeps playing over and over again as if it were on a loop)


Jake: MAKE IT STOP!!!


Xtreme: I DON’T KNOW HOW TO!! WHERE THE HELL IS THAT SOUND COMING FROM!!


(Xtreme, with his hands still over his ears, looks around on the desk, and sees the two speakers. He picks one up and frantically looks over it, trying to find some way to turn it off. He eventually gets fed up with it, rips the wires from the back of it, and throws it against the wall. The master speaker, now disabled, stops the annoying, blaring sound. Jake takes his hands away from his ears, and shakes his head. Xtreme takes a chair from his kitchen and places it in front of the computer. Jake also does the same. Xtreme sits there and blankly stares at the moniter, then looks down at the mouse, then back up at the moniter, then at the keyboard, and then at the moniter again)


Xtreme: So what do I umm....do?


Jake: I think you have to move the mouse.


(Xtreme jumps up on his chair)Xtreme: Mouse?? What mouse! I don’t have mice in my apartment!


Jake: No, you ass, this thing(Picks up the mouse)is called a mouse.


Xtreme: Oh yeah...of course....I uhh...just wanted to see if you knew that. Gotta keep you on your toes, Jake.


Jake: Whatever, just do something.


(Xtreme begins to move the mouse around the screen to see that the cursor moves with it. He opens up the start menu, and begins to move the cursor around on the objects)
Xtreme: How do I get onto the internet?


Jake: Well, you know that last thing you hooked up before you turned on the computer? That was called a “Cable modem”. Say it with me....


Xtreme:....Cable modem...


Jake: That means you’re always connected to the ‘net. Just click on the explorer icon, and you’re on.


Xtreme: How do you know so much about computers?


Jake: I bought this book, Computers for Geniuses, and I read it. Then I got on the computer and worked my newly learned technical prowess. Seriously, how many people know what a .dll file is, or what makes an executable file tick?


Xtreme:....Where did you get a computer?


Jake: I have connections.


Xtreme: Ok....


(Xtreme clicks on the Internet Explorer icon and the page opens up. All of a sudden, a message pops up on the screen that says “You have 1 unopened new message”. Xtreme clicks on it and opens up the letter. He reads over it carefully and then closes it and looks at Jake. He has a scared and confused look on his face)


Jake: Whats wrong?


Xtreme: They said if I don’t send that letter to 50 other people my wish won’t come true! I don’t know 50 other people on the inter...oh god....oh god!


Jake: Xtreme, thats whats known as a chain letter. They aren’t real, don’t worry about them.


Xtreme: Really?


Jake: Yeah. I got one before and it said “If you don’t send this to at least 20 people, you’ll spend the rest of your life as a miserable, drunken, waste of skin, and look at me now!


(Xtreme looks at Jake, like “What the hell are you talking about”. Jake, realizing what Xtreme is thinking, and his eyes dart back and forth worried)


Jake: Well I guess you’re screwed.


Xtreme: Thanks, Jake, you're a good friend.


Jake: What was your wish anyway?


Xtreme: Well I was gonna wish that I would beat Ashram Kenjin and Odyssey at Insurrection, but I don't need wishes and luck to get that job done. First off, Odyssey didn't even come close to winning. I don't even remember where he was half the time, but after a while, he didn't matter. I was bleeding so much, most of the match is still a blur to me, but I'm sure I kicked his ass all over the place. Like I told you before, Odyssey, I was going to make sure you did not win that match. You didn't deserve to get such a pretigious title shot, and you sure as hell didn't earn it either. But this week it seems that Kenjin is giving another shot to become the GWA Maximus champion. I don't know why, though. You talk all this trash about me, and everyone else, you say you're gonna do this or that, but when it comes down to it, Odyssey, you don't have the balls to meet any of your statements. All you are is talk, Odyssey. Guys like you are a dime a dozen. Sure, anyone can sound tough but when it comes down to it, you don't have the ability to stand up to a man like me or even Kenjin. Granted, I've never fought you one on one, theres no doubt in my mind that I can take on you and Kenijn at once. The way I see it, you two are out to stop me. Thats right, Odyssey, I'm the one you should be worrying about, not Ashram. I want this title more than you can ever dream, and if you're smart you'll be on the lookout for me, more than Kenjin. I'm willing to do anything for this title, anything it takes to make sure I am the next Maximus champion. I have everything to gain, and nothing to lose, Odyssey, kind of like yourself. Only I am the one with the more GWA experiance...I am have more years of hardcore training than you can imagine....and I deserve to be Maximus champion more than you, or even Kenijn. You don't have what it takes, in my view, Odyssey. You think you can coast through life, having everything given to you. Well you better get ready to work, because I'm not gonna let up on you or Kenjin for a second. You better get ready for the biggest beatdown of your life because I'm the master of hardcore, and a last man standing match suites my tastes just fine. I gave such a beatdown to Ashram Kenjin last week, I'm surprised he won the damn match. I was laying into with that chair so badly....damn it felt good! Now I know what a lot of people are probably thinking "This guy is a fucking psychopath!" or "Hey, this guy is a fucking psychopathic crazed man who should be in an asylum somewhere!". Well, you're right, people and doctors alike have said that I probably should be put away somewhere, never again able to see the light of day...but yet, here I am. Puzzling, isn't it? But even more puzzling is how you were able to goad Ashram into giving you this shot. I mean, my shot goes without saying....I should've been the one up there fighting Kenjin and not SSS, but thats another story. But you, Odyssey, had almost no chance at all. What were you're Vegas odds.....something like 300-1? What were mine again? Somewhere around 5-1, I believe. Don't think this week will go any better for you as far as gold is concerned. Not much is certain in life, Odyssey, except two things. One thing is that you should never expect to win a title in your first couple of matches, and two is that you can be damn sure at one time or another in your life, your ass is going to be kicked by Xtreme.


(Xtreme continues to look around on the computer, and he finds a games section in the accesories menu)


Xtreme: Ooo! Solitare!


(Xtreme starts up a game of Solitare)


Jake: Jesus, Xtreme....This new computer has a blazing fast internet connection, RAM galore, a big enough hard drive to run almost any program, and you want to play Solitare.


Xtreme: Get off my back, Jake. You're just pissed because you want to play Solitare and you can't.


Jake: No, I just don't want to play Solitare....


(Jake folds his arms, and turns away as is he were pouting. After a couple seconds though, Jake turns back and looks at Xtreme. Xtreme doesn't bother to look up at Jake, and Jake then looks at the moniter)


Jake: Aww...come on, let me play Solitare!


Xtreme: I thought you didn't want to, Jake.


Jake: Well now I do! Hell, you didn't even know how to work this thing a few minutes ago.


Xtreme: Well now I do, and I'm playing Solitare. I wonder what other games they have on here....


(Xtreme continues to look around the computer for more games, as Jake gets up and wanders into the kitchen)


Jake: I was gonna offer to get you something, but not now I'm not.


Xtreme: Bite me, Jake.....Ooo! FreeCell!


(Jake walks back into the room with two beers in his hands and sits down next to Xtreme)


Xtreme: I thought you weren't getting me one?


Jake: I didn't. These are for me.


Xtreme: Well damnit, Jake. Now you really won't ever get to play FreeCell.


Jake: Xtreme, do you really think you can beat Kenjin this time around?


Xtreme: Whats that supposed to mean?


Jake: Well, he's still pretty new and already he has the Maximus title. And he beat your ass last week too.


Xtreme: Jake, he did not beat me last week. He beat SSS for the title, but he did not beat me. Plus, since he's so new around here, what makes you think he's gonna hold onto that title for very long? He might have promise, but he isn't Maximus title material. How can we respect a champion like him? He needed the help of Joey Jackson and James Sexton to put down SSS and grab the belt. He's nothing but a little punk to me.


Jake: I don't know what you're smoking there Xtreme, but if you don't get your act together soon, Kenjin is gonna whip your ass.


Xtreme: Jake theres something you have to realize...Calling Ashram Kenjin a wrestler is like calling Jennifer Lopez an actress. They both technically qualify, but anyone who's experianced either knows different. Kenjin is about as worthless a wrestler as Lopez is an actress. Niether has the ability to be put into these categories, yet for some reason they're there anyway.


Jake: Hey, I like Jennifer Lopez! I thought she was good in the Wedding Planer.


(Xtreme stares at Jake and then back at the camera)Xtreme: My point proven, exactly. Only those with IQ's smaller than their pants size could ever think Jennifer Lopez is a good actress, or think that Ashram Kenjin will hold the Maximus title for more than a week. I'm determined to make Ashram Kenjin the shortest Maximus title reign in GWA history. He thinks he can put me down by trying to bring up memories of my past? I don't know what I have to say to get this through your head, Kenjin, but I've moved on. I'm not that kid in Philadelphia anymore. I'm not that kid that everyone riduculed anymore. I'm the man the who's going to take the Maximus title away from you, Kenijn, and I'm not anything else. Did I ever once say I was superman, Kenjin? Did I ever once even imply that? Where do you come up with this shit? I mean, seriously, Ashram...can't you come up with anything better than that? Hell, I know I've said some stupid shit in my time, but that just takes the cake, man. Superman? Well if you think I'm Superman, thats very flattering, but I sure as hell don't think I am. I know I'm not Superman because I bleed, just the same as you bleed. Hell, I hope I bleed when Insurrection comes around. I hope you cover my face in that warm, crimson liquid. Rest assured, Kenijn, that I will do no less to you. I'll make you realize just how fucking hard it is to be Maximus champion. You say you're willing and able to spill your blood, and break your own bones....well people say a lot of things, Kenjin, can you live up those statements? Personally, I don't think you're ready to take on the responsability of being Maximus champion. You may have triumphed at Adrenaline Eruption, but haven't you ever heard of something called beginners luck? You can win the title, but how good are you about keeping it? I've got nothing to lose, so you can be damn sure I'm gonna go all out on your ass. I want that belt more than you could ever imagine, Kenjin. You can't even fathom how far I would go to be able to call myself the Maximus Champion. I would do anything imaginable to take that belt away from you, and put it around my waist. Not only do I want to have the Maximus title for myself, but I will do anything to make sure you don't have it either. You don't deserve that belt any more than Odyssey deserves another shot at it. I'm sick of always seeing undeserving people get what they want. It seems to happen everywhere I look....You get the Maximus title, Odyssey gets another shot, George W. Bush is our president....underserving people get what they want all the time. But now, its time for the hardworking man to finally get whats coming to him, and thats defeating you, Kenjin for the GWA Maximus championship. XTREME HAS SPOKEN.


(The scene fades out to black as Xtreme continues to play FreeCell and Jake sits, drinking his beer and waiting for Xtreme to give him a turn at it)

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