- Just Bloody Wrong -- Winslow L. Quackebush (It's Just Bloody Wrong I say!), 8/12/09 4:15am
Well today that toad "sir" Richard Branson who I personaly gave three pence years ago for licking my boots unveiled his rocket plane! Like it was his very own idea mind you, as he was licking off the boots that were soiled by a passing horse I was the one that told him of my dream to fly to space for everyone. Fat lot of good it did me, the bastard will not evn return my calls.
Well I am appaled, the nerve of this upstart trying to bilk people out of their money for a ride to space! Burt Rutan is no better I once told him about carbon fiber composit's and see where that got me.
Well it will all end in tragidy I say, too loons flying into space and no air brakes, yes that's right I never did tell them my idea for air brakes and I am sure neither one is smart enough to figure it out. So good luck to anyone who flies on their rocket ship, going to be a rough landing.
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- Boxing Day special -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq. (Damn short of time and money), 16/11/09 1:55am
Well the holiday season is upon us again, I am oft reminded of my dear old dad as he spit up blood and whisky this time of year. Brings back fond memories of midnight sorties out for coal to keep warm, poking about skips looking for anything useful.
Well this has nothing at all to do with all that rot, No none at all! This is the time of year I count my many blessings and review my vast holdings thinking of those less fortunate than I. Yes it’s time once again for the annual Shlockman pre-Boxing Day inventory clearance sale. Why wait till the last moment to make decisions as to what to give away, you can select from my many surplus items (many with fancy wrapping) for your Boxing Day pleasure.
One of the prime items I am surprised has not been bought in past years is the 1960 Cadillac coupe Deville, fine running condition, 429 cu inch motor with NOS injection for a bit of extra boost on the road. No bullet holes and the smell in the trunk from an unfortunate incident have dissipated and can only be noticed on very damp days at just over £ 2000 it’s a steal.
We also have a large assortment of handguns, revolvers, semi-automatics and a few home made. All of them are devoid of any serial numbers and most have had the barrels worked with a rattail file to prevent ballistics matches. Priced from a very attractive £ 10 to £ 200 depending on model. Quantity discounts available.
For some years I have been collecting packages from Meat Free Chicken Casserole which since the unfortunate incident with the poison exploding pen set I just can’t bring myself to open, all are in original wrapping although some may be damaged due to soaking in water or oil as a precaution, all reasonably priced.
Kneebreaker has donated part of his vast collection of brass knuckles some of which are over a century old, sure to please those on your gift list.
Many more items to be added, contact my office for a complete list and updates.
Sincerely,
Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law
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- Mevagissey running of the goats -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq., (Goat shit everywhere), 29/10/09 6:45am
Well the Running of the goats in Mevagissey went off splendidtly as usual only three "reported" fatalities, 5 less than last year.
My associates Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije of Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije Ltd. provided security this year and altough they did not have the Zodiac boat or their Sikorsky helicoptor due to budget restraints they manageged to keep people in line with their Uzi submachine gun's.
The event raised over 2000 euros out of which at least 7 went to the Mevagissey council for their efforts at fundraising.
Not too shabby and a good goat roast afterwards, hope to see you all there next year with your wallets at the ready.
Sincerely,
Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law
PS- Kneebraker is still avalable for child's parties and he can just "influence" the birthday boy or girl for a price.
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- Clearing the dust out -- Meat Free Chicken Casserole (More blooody annoyed than I was yesterday), 4/10/09 11:37am
It is bloody quiet around here!
What you have lot got to say for yourself.
Hopeless!
Where is the Minister for Domestic Munitions?
I've got a malfunctioning nuclear powered potato peeler and I don't know what to do with it.
MFCC
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- Mobile Zit Removal Service -- Arthur Oncpe, 28/08/08 12:37pm
Hello
Having been a regular visitor to this highly humorous board for some years now I have hit upon an idea which my wife thinks would go down a treat with people that are afflicted with spotty faces.
I`m thinking of calling my new service: The Mobile Zit Removal Service To End All Mobile Zit Removal Services.
The website would be called www.huntazit.com.
The reason for such a long winded name is because I anticipate that members of this board, and other people worldwide, will try to steal my idea - hence the name.
A clever, gimmicky, marketing ploy that I have in mind is to leaflet drop police stations and local authority CCTV Units to ask if they would be willing (for a small fee), to identify people, be they young or old, who have spotty faces so that I can offer my new service to them.
Once he or she has been pointed out by one of the above authorities, I will seek them out, pounce upon them, remove their zits (with a device I have recently patented), this will very painless by the way, they won`t feel the blade or cosh at all, then thrust the bill for £367 into he/shes pocket.
If they fail to cough up within say 7 days the person will receive a friendly visit from the debt collection side of our firm.
I am thinking of setting up a franchise system and would love to hear from prospective master franchisees who think they have the right attributes and would be willing to roll up their sleeves and get on with the business at hand.
In the first instance it might be a good idea if we could perhaps meet in a derelict building somewhere where contracts could be signed, cash passed to me in a vast brown envelope, and the loose end in the way of a mutilated corpse or two being disposed of in the timely manner by one of my `friendly` associates (Lefty or Knuckles).
Looking forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely
Arthur Oncpe
CEO The Mobile Zit Removal Service To End All Mobile Zit Removal Services.
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- Gaseous where art thou? -- Roger Q. Schocklman III Esq., 2/08/09 3:04am
Check out the archives and start some trouble!
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- Nigerian Scam or genuine call for help? -- Timothy Wrigglesworth., 21/06/08 2:01pm
Hi,
I received the e-mail below and am in two minds as to whether or not I should help their cause. Please advise..
Begins
The CBN Head Office Complex, Central Business District Abuja FCT.
Central Bank of Nigeria
Head Office Complex,
Central Business District
Abuja FCT. - Nigeria.
From The Desk Of:
Dr. Mrs. Juliet A. Madubueze
(Board Member).
Attention: Beneficiary ,
I am Mrs. Juliet A. Madubueze , Board Member of Central Bank Of Nigeria (C.B.N), I am Instructed to officially inform you that we have verified your contract inheritance file and found out that why you have not received your payment is because you have not fulfilled the obligations given to you in respect of your contract inheritance payment.
(seems genuine enough but i`m still not sure)
Right now we have arranged your payment through our SWIFT CARD PAYMENT CENTRE from European Union, which is the latest instruction from the new elected president Mr. President, Alhaji Umaru Musa Yara'dua (GCFR) Federal Republic of Nigeria.
( Alhaji Umaru Musa Yara'dua seems a decent enough guy, but..)
This card center will send you an ATM card, which you will use to withdraw your money in any ATM machine in any part of the world, but the maximum is Twenty Thousand United States Dollars ($20,000.00) per day. So if you like to receive your fund in this way, please let us know and send the following information as listed below :
(Only $20,000 per day, hmm..)
1. Full name
Timothy Wrigglesworth
2. Phone and fax number
0049 111 1111 111
3. Address were you want them to send the ATM card to (P.O box not acceptable)
PO Box 32, Arbragahnan Rd, Dublin, Ireland (Wales).
4. Your age and current occupation
(37 Newclear phizzycist and part time church organist)
We will forward your information to the director of ATM CARD payment officer Chief Dr. Josua Omuye AND GOVERNOR CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA Prof Charles C soludo (Board Member) upon our receipt of the above information. Or you can call him. This is his direct phone number: 234-8063028511
Note that the ATM card payment center was mandated to issue out $,8000.000.00 EIGHT U.S DOLLARS as your payment for this fiscal year 2008. Note that because of impostors, we hereby issued you our code of conduct, which is (ATM-1616) so you have to indicate this code when contacting the card center by using it as your subject.
We anticipate your total compliance to this message immediately.
Yours sincerely,
Mrs. Juliet A. Madubueze
(CBN Board Member)
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- Update on Hadron Colidor issues -- Professor Malcolm Scheinblanks, 5/12/08 2:23pm
Since I last wrote about the issues regarding the seemingly cursed Hadron Collidor I note today that the BBC have an update, the details of which are below:
>>>
An official investigation into the accident at the Large Hadron Collider has recommended that an early warning system be installed.
This system would detect the early stages of a helium leak, following an incident that has shut down the LHC until June 2009.
The collider is built to smash protons together at huge speeds, recreating conditions moments after the Big Bang.
Scientists hope it will shed light on fundamental questions in physic
>>>
Now to my mind you`d have thought would`nt you that an early warning system would be one of the first things they`d have thought of when it came to working out the fundemental necessities for the HC.
Anyone that has studied nuclear physics in its most basic of forms knows full well that helium is always the weak point when it comes to potential leakages, overspills and
black hole potentiality in relation to particle matter and its subsideries.
I wrote to Professor Graemme Heeps some 4 years ago when the HC was a mere pipedream of his and gave him a piece of my mind. I could see, even then, that this would all end in financial disaster, but did he listen, no, with respect,
the berk did`nt.
A simple, common or garden AA battery, the likes of which can be bought or pilfered from any good DIY store + a length of copper wire and some masking tape are all that`s required to fix the issues concerned - and Bob`s your uncle,
problem solved!
Figures have been thrown around of, 1 million, 2 million and even 3 million euros to put right something that should never have occured in the first place. Now, i`m not usually one to cast aspersions, but if you ask me either the entire team in charge of the HC are incompetent oafs. Either that or someone is on the hey diddle diddle! I`m far from being a conspiracy theorist but I smell a rat for sure and I think it`s about time either the police or a government appointed body took them to task about this.
I would get a petition going but frankly i`m a coward of the highest degree, all be it an honest and ethical one.
But at least I can sleep at night unlike the insomniacs in charge the HC!!!
Sincerely
Professor Malcolm Scheinblanks
Self-confessed busy-body and clandestine mammoth bogey roller supreme.
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- Aardvark Alarm -- Melvin Bloomdale, 20/11/08 8:43pm
Are YOU one of the many countless thousands of people worldwide who have had their precious Aardvarks stolen whilst their attentions have been drawn elsewhere?
Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Melvin Bloomdale, I am a part time inventor and grower of all manner of legal and semi-illegal crops, but in the main I
am an inventor on a par with say, Edison, although not quite as famous yet.
My latest invention, the "Aardvark Attack Alarm System" (AAAS) for short, works by way of the following method.
The AAAS is square shaped and is approximately 50cms wide x 50cms high. Simply strap the AAAS (strap not supplied) to your Aardvarks snout. A tilt mechanism inside the box is activated when someone steals or attempts to steal the Aardvark which automatically sets off 6 miniature CCTV cameras strategically placed around your Aardvark`s armour all of which have night vision and built-in facial mapping technology. An ultra-loud siren (90 decibels)is automatically emitted which is usually enough to frighten off even the stupidest and brazenest of hoodies. Whilst the siren is blaring an even louder recorded message is heard: "WE HAVE YOUR DNA, YOUR FINGERPRINTS, AND WE HAVE SUCCESSFULLY COMPLETED OUR FACIAL MAPPING SEQUENCE. GIVE YOURSELF UP AND DON`T BE A BLOODY FOOL MAN!" **Tests show that this disorientates the potential thief leaving him slightly stunned and all at sea as it were.
**During extensive tests only 17 people were accidentally
murdered, most of which were of pensionable age, and the added bonus of which was that one was a retired traffic warden. Serendipity!
We are working on some minor improvements. With the deluxe version for instance the cameras are secreted in the skin of the Aardvark and the siren is also accompanied by a large razor sharp axe which crashes down randomly with enormous force around the vicinity of said Aardvark killing anyone or anything in the immediate area. The deluxe version also comes complete with a spraygun which again works automatically in conjunction with the tilt mechanism which when set off sprays lethal toxins into the face of the felon leaving him stunned before our trusty friend the axe finds its prey so to speak.
Well, that`s about it. I have`nt patented it yet so I trust the details of my device will be safe among you all.
PS. I may be looking for agents, commission only, to help find punters for my remarkable invention. I may consider working this on a Sale or Return basis, or, sell the AAAS`s
to you at trade discounted price so that you can really coin it in. I predict that a lot of millionaires will be made through the sale of my invention so don`t miss out and act quickly.
I look forward to working with you.
Sincerely
Melvin Bloomdale
Inventor and grower of own weed for medicinal purposes only
your honour.
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- marmalade for the masses -- philsno1 (it's worth it!), 31/10/08 1:01pm
It's unfortunate that orange marmalade is no longer allowed or available on virgin trains, strawberry jam yes, blackcurrant jam yes, lemon marmalade yes, but orange marmalade no!
Why is this?
We are told this is so as not to upset ginger haired people, as they may try to use marmalade as hair colouring, or worse still, as a hair tonic.
If this is indeed so, then why has lemon marmalade not been outlawed? surely there could be a problem with blondes, this is discrimination of the worst kind!
Please write to the Prime Minister, or maybe go to an even higher authority than that and drop the Pope, or even Richard Branson a line to show your support for this worthy cause!
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- Hadron Collidor issues -- Professor Malcolm Scheinblanks, 19/09/08 11:22pm
Hi
I represent the team behind the Hadron Collidor. I was wondering if anyone has got any viable suggestions about how we can get HC back on track again? As you know it had to be switched off because of a malfunction which was due to some oaf spilling some coffee on the central mainframe hub subsection housing the massive inverted chevron polar reactors.
Some of the world`s greatest scientists have been racking their brains trying to find a way of getting HC up and running again but we`re slowly running out of ideas.
We`ve tried giving it a good thump with a mallet but that did`nt work so any suggestions would be gratefully received.
All the best.
Sincerely
Professor Malcolm Scheinblanks Head of Science and Humnanologist Technolgy
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- TITLE: Hiring home based workers (1415) -- Agha Ziaullah, 6/10/08 9:25pm
A Real Work at Home Opportunity as an Independent Advertising Executive. We offer home workers the opportunity to earn extra money from the comfort of their own home. Visit Us at http://www.clicknearn.net/idevaffiliate/a/1415.php?page=9
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- Dial-A-Goat -- Cindy Mentals, 31/07/08 6:11pm
Hello
I have an idea for what I feel would be a very viable business but I am short of funds and wondered if there was any astute entrepreneurs out there willing to risk an investment?
About Dial-A-Goat..
As the name suggests Dial-A-Goat is a service whereby one telephones a premium rate line and a goat is delivered direct to the door of your choosing. A simple idea I think you`ll agree but the simple ones are always the most lucrative.
Great for birthday surprises, wedding anniversaries, or just to give the mother-in-law the shock of her life! Dial-A-Goat will be the icebreaker to end all icebreakers:-).
I`m sure that there`s been a time in most people`s lives when they wished that they had a goat to keep them company.
Only last thursday as I was waiting for the 4.46 from camden I thought to myself, my.. how I could do with a goat to befriend right now..
ENTER STAGE LEFT: DIAL-A-GOAT!
Please see below the break-down re the costings etc of this terrific looking business venture: (Please note, i`ve got people queuing up to wisely invest in Dial-A-Goat so you must act swiftly ~ I don`t want to sound pushy but by not acting fast you might well be doing yourself and your family out of a life changing income amount of money).
Cost of Coat: £85 (or do you know of an un-overlooked field where there`s one)?
Feed: 65 pence per day
Well, as you can see, £85.26 is`nt exactly a king`s ransom
and you have my 100% rock-solid guarantee that you will definitely see a 25% return on your investment within a few decades.
My goal is to follow up with Dial-A-Haddock; Dial-A-Bogus-Meter-Reader and Dial-A-Hoodie.
Thank you in advance for your kind consideration and I look forward to your earliest response.
Regards
Cindy Mentals
Cindy`s other business interests:-
Cindy`s Left handed, secondhand, refurbished golf clubs.
Cindy`s half-ton-paper-weights.
Cindy`s River widening device polishers and Cindy`s Unique Sub-Aqua Plate Spinning Emporium.
Cindy`s catchprrase: `GO ON DIMPLECHEEKS MAKE ME AN OFFER!`
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Replies:
- Genuine plea fro assistance -- Kenneth Ogendo, 6/07/08 4:04pm
Hello,
I have noticed that there are a lot of messages posted on this board regarding Nigerian Scam Artists. Let me tell you from the outset I am not one of those, but my late uncle Mark Agenbaki formerly of 26 Acacia St, Lagos left in his will 78,000,000 USD. Due to some legal complexities which I can`t go into my family and me have been unable to release the funds, so we desperately need your kind help. Here is the deal.
At great expense my family and me have managed to bribe the accountants where the monies are deposited but the accountants are holding out for another 50,000 USD before they say the funds can be released to the bank acount of our choosing.
Frankly this is the deal of a lifetime and we must act ultra-swiftly to ensure that the monies are not lost for ever so for your part you will send 50,000 USD Cash to the following address immediately:
Mary Ojojanjo, 52b Padlow St, London E14 5FG. Send it recorded delivery to ensure that there is no skullduggery involved.
Once the funds have been received you will hear from us in due course and your share of the monies will be sent to you
in the denomination of your choice within 3 business days once we have secured the release of the fortune in question.
I think you will agree this is the bargain of a lifetime so don`t discuss this with anyone else and get the 50,000 USD in the post forthwith.
I know you are a godly person as are we and we thank you in advance for your act of extreme kindness.
Nothing ventured nothing gained as my late uncle used to say.
Sincerely
Desmond M.
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- Nanotechnology, the latest.. -- Professor Rudyard Woolf, 25/04/08 11:30pm
Nanotechnology as the world and his dog knows is the art of manipulating materials on an atomic or molecular scale especially to build microscopic devices (as robots).
The latest news in the remarkable world of Nanotechnology is that I have painstakingly made a miniturised ocean going yacht which I would like to sell to the highest bidder.
The yacht is currently moored in a puddle just north of Market St, Watford but the exact location will remain a secret until the money has been deposited into my Swiss bank account.
The yacht has the following attributes:-
4 merlin engines..
1 olympic sized swimming pool..
300 seater cinema..
The largest shopping mall in the Nano-World (6 trillions of an atom)..
Ten-Tiny-Toilets..
I am open to swerious offers circa £237,000.000.00.
Regards
Professor Rudyard Woolf
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Replies:
- wholesale -- roger, 6/04/08 12:39am
Spam Wholesale Business for Sale -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq., 3/04/08 8:03pm
My firm has a lucrative exclusive distributorship available in the greater London area, long hours, hard work and small
profit. The former "THIS IS SPAM! Ltd.” will be auctioned to the highest bidder on the eleventh day of April 2008.
There are no guarantees as this business had been poorly managed by the previous proprietor one Mr. Stefan
Rodrigues who mysteriously disappeared last month.
The business consists of keeping a supply of SPAM stocked at markets around the area; currently there are 250,000
tins of the product in storage which will be made available to the winning bidder for a small storage fee. Also included in
the purchase is a small one room flat with one months back rent due, a 1958 Morris Minor, a half jar of Marmalade,
miscellaneous clipboards, previously chewed gum and a medium size chest freezer that has been welded shut.
Contact my office for details.
Sincerely,
Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law
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- Spam Wholesale Business for Sale -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq., 3/04/08 8:03pm
My firm has a lucrative exclusive distributorship available in the greater London area, long hours, hard work and small profit. The former "THIS IS SPAM! Ltd.” will be auctioned to the highest bidder on the eleventh day of April 2008. There are no guarantees as this business had been poorly managed by the previous proprietor one Mr. Stefan Rodrigues who mysteriously disappeared last month.
The business consists of keeping a supply of SPAM stocked at markets around the area; currently there are 250,000 tins of the product in storage which will be made available to the winning bidder for a small storage fee. Also included in the purchase is a small one room flat with one months back rent due, a 1958 Morris Minor, a half jar of Marmalade, miscellaneous clipboards, previously chewed gum and a medium size chest freezer that has been welded shut.
Contact my office for details.
Sincerely,
Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law
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- Spam Wholesaler needs assistance -- Stefan Rodrigues, 4/03/08 1:20pm
Hello
I am trying to expand my business. I am a wholesaler of that great delicassy "Spam" but have drawn a blank with my marketing thus far.
I started an e-mail campaign a month or so ago, sending out 50,000 e-mails to companies around the UK but I have`nt had a single reply. A friend said that when one undertakes an e-mail campaign the subject line is all important. Anyway my companies name is "THIS IS SPAM!" a very catchy name I think you will agree, which is why I put it in the subject line
THIS IS SPAM!
If anyone can kindly help me with regard to where I am going wrong I would very much appreciate it and send you a years supply of the World`s greatest spam.
Sincerely
Stefan Rodrigues
CEO THIS IS SPAM!
"More than just name.. it`s a way of life!"
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Replies:
- New Kinda Nigerian Scam.. -- Fred Dinsdale, 13/02/08 7:29pm
Hello
I want formulate my personal version of a Nigerian scam but I can`t be bothered with the typical ling winded affair so how does the following sound?..
Beloved
The $347,000.000 is deposited in the bank of Nigeria but I need some monies to release it. Can you help? Thank you!
Chief Obedabu Bodibunimon The 2nd
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- I`m new here -- Freddy Osbaldaston, 24/01/08 1:20pm
Hello
I`m new here, can someone show me the way around? Where for example is the John?
Thank you and I would like to wish you a very Happy and Stupendous New Year (BELATED).
Regards
Fred
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- Chimney Security Services -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq., 15/12/07 5:13pm
Does anyone know how to contact Chimney Security Services, or for that matter simply disarm their devices? About a month ago the * Non Lethal Automated Nail Gun started randomly firing and any attempt to approach it causes a warning buzzer and the orange flashing light to come on. I have also noticed that the * Non Lethal Napalm Purge System, * Non Lethal Spear Gun and * Non Lethal surplus Sidewinder missile have begun to ominously hum and flash a series of diagnostic codes.
I have called the toll free number on my service contract and found the number disconnected, similarly the post has returned the letters I have sent marked undeliverable. Last night the * Non Lethal Napalm Purge System fired off a short burst and since the damper was closed charred the mantelpiece clock. I am becoming quite alarmed that there may be something wrong with the system master control panel.
Sincerely,
Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law
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- 138th annual Running of the Goats festival -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq. (It's the goats!), 11/10/07 10:46pm
It’s only a day away when the 138th annual Running of the Goats festival will be held the 12th through 14th October in Mevagissey. There are still good tickets available to the grandstands and also seating in the orchard.
For those interested we have been doing some “housecleaning” and there are several cottages available for hire. The OAP’s have been removed and our cleaning crews have sprayed to mask the odor of bangers and beans.
I am also pleased to announce that Mr. Leonardo Murgatroyd has managed to keep Ding from eating Roger and Fredo so they will be in the running. Bets may be placed through my private line up to the starting time.
Sincerely,
Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law
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Replies:
- Tusko's bad trip -- mad scientist, 9/10/07 8:34pm
http://www.okgazette.com/p/12776/a/1108/Default.aspx?ReturnUrl=LwBwAC8AMQAyADgAMwAzAC8AYQAvADEAMQAwADgALwBEAGUAZgBhAHUAbAB0AC4AYQBzAHAAeAAslashAFIAZQB0AHUAcgBuAFUAcgBsAD0ATAB3AEIARQBBAEcAVQBBAFoAZwBCAGgAQQBIAFUAQQBiAEEAQgAwAEEAQwA0AEEAWQBRAEIAegBBAEgAQQBBAGUAQQBBAHMAbABhAHMAaABBAEgAQQBBAFAAUQBBAHgAQQBEAEkAQQBPAEEAQQB6AEEARABNAEEA
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- Pets are lazy buggers -- Malcolm Broswell, 17/08/07 11:22pm
All pets bar none are lazy good for nothing b`stards.
I go out to work 6 days a week to put a crust on the table for my family and me yet our cat and dog who have never done a days work in their good-for-nothing lives, get free bed and board, and live the life of bloody riley! Ok they give us the odd morsel of pleasure, keep us fit, and the dog guards the house when i`m out at work but why oh-bloody-why is it that pets are`nt made to go out to work like the rest of us beings?
Do you own a pet that`s never done a days work in its life?
Would you like to see a law brought in where all pets no matter how small they are, are forced to actively seek employment? And don`t tell me they`re just poor dumb animals, we could all make that excuse!
Obviously you would`nt expect an iguana to be a dustman,
no they`re far too sophisticated for that but i`m sure your average pet iguana could hold down a job as say a librarian or a driving instructor.
Anyway I look forward to hearing your views on lazy b`stard pets. Could your pet parrot for instance take up employment as a traffic warden or a church organist. Let me know..
Sincerely
A very Bitter Malcolm Broswell
Petlover and Amateur Orthodentist to the Stars
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- Neighbor? -- Bradley Wilson-Baker, 8/08/07 9:36am
All right I am all for the live and let live, I have neighbors from Pakistan, India, Germany but this French Bastard that just moved in to number 43 has gone beyond the pale!
There I was sitting in my sitting room when a 20 Kg bolder come flying through the window. I jumped up and Jon Pierre is laughing and loading another large bolder into an infernal machine of medieval design which I later learned was a Trebuchet. This frog bastard has done this every night this week and broken almost all the windows on the south side. He has thrown everything from rocks, his deceased poodle dog, Camembert cheese and Gouda plus what may have been some rotting Cheddar.
What can I do about this the counsel does not want to get involved in “international relations” as they say. Any suggestions?
Bradley Wilson-Baker
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- Product Recall: Nuclear Powered Bed Warmer -- Meat Free Chicken Casserole (Bloody Annoyed), 2/08/07 11:51am
One little boom, and its "the product's defective ....".
Well lets get on with it ....
Kind and Caring Problem Solvers are issuing a recall notice for all Nuclear Powered Bed Warmers - a part of their nuclear powered household appliance range.
We sourced this product from a factory in south east asia and assumed the manufacturer had carried out all of the necessary testing. Apparently though, they did not, and as a result we will no longer purchase from the TheresGottaBeACatch company - come to think of it, that name sounds strange now that I say it out aloud. But they were very, very, cheap. We did wonder how they could make them so cheaply at the time.
The problem stems from the flimsy nature of this product and the fact that it needs to be placed under the bed. People jumping onto their bed often deformed the supporting frame of the product pushing the two fissonable elements together causing a little boom. The government has complained that several sizeable chunks of the capital are no longer habitable, and will not be for 250,000 years. I personally think the government should thank us for creating a reserve of precious land that can be given over to housing, in the distant future, when its really needed.
Anyhow, if you have one of these products and you have mistreated it or turned it on, call Kind and Caring Problem Solvers and we will send one of the lads around to discuss your options.
MFCC
PS We are offering our customers an electric food warmer for you fridge, in exchange for any returned products. These fantastic units sit inside your fridge and keep your food warm - no more going to the fridge and pulling out cold left overs. Now they will always be warm and ready to eat.
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- Goat Tragedy -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq. (Oh the humanity!), 7/07/07 6:05pm
This may be disturbing to some of the people here especially Meat Free Chicken Casserole and the gentle folk at Kind and Caring Problem Solvers.
I just received notice of a news story by Associated Press: A terrible tragedy in California. In a nutshell: 243 goats die after truck overturns, Hundreds of dead goats were piled on the roadside Friday after a truck carrying the animals tipped over. A firm called Goats R Us was transporting a trailer full of 400 goats when a flat tyre caused the vehicle to overturn. Goats were smothered in the accident.
I have been trying to contact Hamidi and see if I can expedite a passport so he may travel to California to “render” his services. If anyone knows his whereabouts or that of MFCC contact me immediately.
Sincerely,
Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law
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- Help with packed flat furniture -- Cedric Heinkleman, 25/07/07 7:09pm
Hello
I purchased a packed flat wardrobe from a packed flat salesman at a packed flat shop called MFI yesterday but I seem to be having problems erecting it. I have tried following the packed flat instructions but the bit where it says "Lay section D on a packed flat surface" does`nt seem correct. Are there any packed flat people out there who`ve had experience with this sort of thing? I`m willing to pay someone 25 of my hard earned packed flat pounds to come and assemble it. Alternatively perhaps somebody would like to exchange someting for my packed flat wardrobe? I`m open minded as to WHY so long as it`s not that packed flat crap! Can`t stand the stuff!!!
Yours brimmingly; without portfolio..
Cedric Heinkleman
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- Decline of gnomes -- Malcolm Smith, 19/07/07 6:21pm
Frankly I am a little more than disturbed! This morning I went to the garden and found the bunny rabbit statuary I had in the north east end with it’s head split open it’s eye socket and one ear laying nearby. I heard a rustling behind me and turned in time to observe a diminutive garden gnome with yellow stocking cap, bright red waistcoat with silver buttons and wearing green pants run off past the lavender. The little fellow was clutching a spoon and seemed to have been surprised in mid meal judging by the napkin tied round his neck.
Now I ask you what was this gnome doing wearing a yellow stocking cap with red coat and green pants? Everyone knows the proper combination would have been a vermilion cap, blue waistcoat and yellow pants when dining in a formal garden.
Malcolm Smith
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- Free Horse Racing System -- Jason Reynolds, 9/12/06 9:07pm
Hello
I have formulated a winning horse racing system which I would like to post on this messageboard.
I have called my system `Vaguely James,` I wish you all the success in the world with it!
Step One:
Horse must be a chestnut, 5 to 9 years old, 17.6 hands high, ideally called Bertie`s Revenge.
Step Two:
3yo races preferably although any race type will do.
Step Three:
Low fields best, 2 to 26 runners optimum.
Step Four:
Horse must be 5th in the betting in the Sun Newspaper and 50/1 or much, much higher.
Step Five:
Jockey should be a claiming apprentice with the middle name of Amadaus.
Step Six:
Horse must have come 8th in its last race and 9th in any April.
Step Seven
Owner of horse must be called Ingrid Von Oppenheimer.
Step Eight:
Horse must have a had a recent nasal tube operation and have
a perpendicular lower mandebil.
Step Nine:
Race must be run on any day other than that one.
Step Ten:
Finally, horse must ideally weigh 487 kilos, or have a really bushy tail that sways about in the wind.
Anyway I wish you the best of luck with my system, don`t forget, never gamble with more than you can afford to lose!
Regards
Jason Reynolds
Full time professional gambler for many years and inventor of the plastic fork.
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- Clive Davenport Recruitment Ltd -- Clive Davenport, 4/07/07 2:59pm
Specialist Wanted. Any Field. Must have keen eye for detail and second nature ruthless streak. Diabolical wages but managerial potential zero!
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- Haddock -- Brimton Cricklestump, 15/06/07 7:16pm
Anyway.. I was ambling along Templeton Rd tuesday-last minding my own business with an un-fillited haddock sellotaped to my midrift (as you do) when I was confronted by a baker`s dozen
men in off-white coats. The first thing that struck me was a clenched fist but I also noticed that one of the baker`s dozen was weilding a copy of "Fishing For Tiddlers" Now being quite short at 4`2" I snatched the fishing mag and commenced reading it out loud to all and sundry when suddenly to my right.....
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- Much Money In Hong Kong -- Mr. Hon-Hing Wong, 18/06/07 10:56am
MANAGING DIRECTOR
DAH SING BANK LTD
36TH FLOOR DAH SING BANK
FINANCIAL CENTRE LTD.
108 GLOUCESTER ROAD,
HONG KONG
Dear Friend,
I am Mr. Hon-Hing Wong , Managing Director Dah Sing
Bank Ltd, Hong Kong.
I am contacting you with respect to a portfolio
amounting to $35,520,000 USD (Thirty Five Million,
Five Hundred and Twenty Thousand United States Dollar)
deposited by a German Merchant named Mr. Mathew
Schneider.
On the 18th of October 2002 Mr. Mathew Schneider
deposited $12,000,000 USD (Twelve Million United
States Dollars) under our portfolio management
department for four years and the deposit matured on
the 18th of October 2006 with over 196% growth which
amounted to a total of $35,520,000 USD (Thirty Five
Million, Five Hundred and Twenty Thousand United
States Dollar).
Mr. Mathew Schneider, has since passed away without
stating his next of kin because he deposited the funds
in our establishment at a point he was finalizing
divorcing his wife and had no kids coupled with the
fact that he was an orphan, this funds has since
mature and the roll-over on the funds has also
expired.
This sum of $35,520,000 USD (Thirty Five Million, Five
Hundred and Twenty Thousand United States Dollar) is
still in my possession in my Bank lifeless and
unnoticed because there will never be a claim on the
funds and all material and immaterial documents and
certificates relating to the funds is also in my
possession.
According to the Hong Kong Law regulating cases of
this nature which is also typical to other Asian
countries, at the expiration of 5 (five) years, such
funds will revert to the ownership of the Government
for financing military operations, such as purchasing
of arms and ammunitions for the military.
In order to avert this negative development, I will
like to seek for your permission as a foreigner to
stand as the next of kin to Mr. Mathew Schneider so
that the fruits of this old man's labor will not be
use for financing weapons which will further enhance
the courses of war in the world in general.
The money will be paid into your account for us to
share in the ratio of 60% for me and 35% for you and
the balance of 5% will be responsible for the
major/trivial expenses incurred in the course of the
transaction. There is no risk at all as all the
paperwork for this project will be done by my attorney
and with my position as the credit officer guarantees
the successful execution of this project. If you are
interested, please reply immediately.
Upon your response, I shall then provide you with
further information and modalities that will help
you understand the transaction.
You should observe utmost confidentiality, and rest
assured that this project would be most profitable for
both parties because I shall require your assistance
to invest my share in your country.
Awaiting your urgent reply.
Thanks and regards.
Mr. Hon-Hing Wong
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- Here`s my 2012 logo... -- Sam Ridgeway aged 8.5, 6/06/07 10:37pm
Logo follows:-
20_12 The World
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- New EU Directive -- Martin Trevillion, 27/05/07 9:05pm
Have you heard about the latest barmy EU directive?
Apparently police can now more or less molest people under the new Stop Search and Fondle ruling.
I don`t know about you but i`m just about sick and tired of Brussel`s bossing us around and I think it`s about time we all made a stand.
Only today I was stopped by a policeman in London and had my left buttock groped. I would`nt mind but I did`nt even fancy him! What`s your view?
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- World`s gone mad -- Broomstick Pickles, 7/05/07 10:01pm
I saw a job advertised along the lines of the following:
Neuro Surgeon required for a large hospital in Yorkshire.
I applied for the job and was sent a `poncy` letter back asking for job references and referees etc. My point is, it`s no wonder unemployment figures are at a record high. A job like that of a Neuro Surgeon one can learn as one goes along don`t you agree. A bit like a roadsweeper. You would`nt expect to have qualifications for that job so why that of a flaming Neuro Surgeon??? World`s gone crackers!
An irate Broomstick
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- A message for Roger Stewart -- Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq., 1/05/07 8:26pm
In reply to: Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq. 's message, "Own a piece of 2006" on 29/12/06 10:18pm
Roger replied:
"You GIT!!! Shlockman ,I bought all of 06 years ago and I will not have you sell it from under me,it cost me a small fortune and only a trader friend on the inside saved me from paying a lot more for it.I would be quite prepared to trade you a 1892 leap year if it means you passing up all rights to 06.May I remind you that I hold all current and future Bank Holiday Mondays and I would be quite prepared to cancel them all, thus throwing the whole country into turmoil if you choose to pursue this reckless action."
Roger,
How silly of me to forget our arrangement of you getting the even numbered years, I would refund the proceeds but they have already been invested overseas. I’ll gladly trade the rights to all future sales of 2006 for the 1892 leap year, it would look good in the case next to the 1896 and fill in the gap between my 1888 leap year.
I certainly would not want you to cancel any future Bank Holiday Mondays as these are the only times I can relax and grow begonia’s in the garden.
Sincerely,
Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law
PS- I trust that nasty business with British Gas has blown over, how was Neasden.
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- Polish speaking man -- Mr Svennsson, 1/05/07 5:22pm
We urgently require a Polish speaking man for a Greek club opening in the west end of London on the 30th May. The ideal applicant will have Russian and Flemish as a 3rd and fourth language and will be fluent in Cantonese and Swaili. Applicants should send a letter of application in their own handwriting (Spanish)to the following address: The Sushi Smoochy Club, 94b Meinster Mews, London WI 4RR.
Yours Sincerely
Lesigor Constantinosky MD
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- Crazy? -- Number 756693, 26/04/07 6:13am
Call me crazy but; when I was a child, water flowed uphill, the sky was green and aardvarks ruled the earth. Whatever has happened to the good old days? My orderly Nick says it’s all a figment of my mind but I don’t believe it for a second. He keeps giving me pills to take and says it will be all right in the morning but it never is.
So with that said I would like to entreat anyone out there to join me in a rousing game of chess, only I like to douse the board with benzene and keep several candles nearby to add to the effect. The doctor says this is aberrant behavior however I recall this is exactly how my great-grand mum played the game and no harm ever came of that. Least wise till the flat burned down.
So if you’re in for a rousing game of “beat the vicar” or “Hide the aardvark” come on round by three and we will see if Nick is so dandy smart when confronted with a watermelon.
Number 756693
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- Re: Crazy? -- The Vicar of Hacklier, 27/04/07 8:16am
- Re: Crazy? -- Dinsdale Rabidlobes, 27/04/07 8:27pm
- Re: Crazy? -- Alfie, 27/04/07 9:30pm
- Re: Crazy? -- Number 756693 (OH, I just want to KILL< KILL 29/04/07 12:54pm
- Exchange wanted -- William Storey, 17/04/07 7:10pm
Would anyone like to exchange their extremely rare ming dynasty vase for a dozen plastic clothes pegs? I will also throw in a copy of last Tuesday`s Wigan Weekly and a packet of mouldy bird seed.
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