Re: BOY!! I hate to cut an' pase -- The Chimneyville Discussion Forum

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Date Posted: 02:05:02 07/22/05 Fri
Author: Pot
Subject: Re: BOY!! I hate to cut an' pase
In reply to: Ol' Bone 's message, "BOY!! I hate to cut an' pase" on 18:09:25 07/21/05 Thu

>How Do??? ALL HOPE U'ns ARE GOOD ....LMAO
>
>
>
>A Texas Chili Contest...
>
>Warning - If you can read this whole story without
>laughing out loud, then there's no hope for you.
>
>Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay
>attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the
>third judge is even better. For those of you who have
>lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
>
>***********************************************
>
>They actually have a chili cook-off about the time
>Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of
>a parking lot at the San Antonio city park The notes
>are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank,
>who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
>
>Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
>judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called
>in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
>standing there at the judge's table asking for
>directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call
>came in.
>
>I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans)
>that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
>besides, they told me I could have free beer during
>the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards
>from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)
>
>Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.
>Amusing kick.
> Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy sh!t! What the hell is this
>stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your
>driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I
>hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
>Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
>Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
>jalapeno tang.
>Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers
>to be taken seriously.
>Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.
>I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.
>I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
>Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
>they saw the look on my face.
>
>Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
>Needs some beans. Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit
>salty, good use of peppers.
> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
>spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
>Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer
>before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
>my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
>getting sh*t- faced from all of the beer...
>
>Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
>Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
>Disappointing.
> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
>side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a
>chili.
>Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
>tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to
>burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing
>behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is
>starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste
>I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>
>Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
>Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
>freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
>impressive.
>Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more
>tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
>statement.
>Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off
>my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
>farted and four people behind me needed> paramedics.
>The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
>her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
>tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it
>from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
>It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me
>to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
>
>Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
>Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
>Good balance of spices and peppers.
>Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
>onions, and garlic. Superb.
>Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe
>filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I sh*t on
>myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
>through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
>behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips
>anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
>
>Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
>Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance
>on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if
>the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at
>the last moment. **I should take note that I am
>worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of
>distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
>Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
>the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight
>in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of
>rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
>slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
>lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy,
>they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
>breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
>any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
>through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>
>Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
>Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend
>chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its
>existence.
>Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced
>chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most
>of it was lost when
>Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled
>the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
>going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have
>reacted to really hot chili?!

I've read that deal probably 50 time over the past several years and every time I read it, I laugh 'til I cry.

It reminds me of the very first time I ever had jalape�o nachos. I couldn't believe intelligent humans actually put stuff like that in their mouth. I definately remember wishing I had a snow cone to wipe my butt.

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