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Date Posted: 11:27:27 01/11/03 Sat
Author: Marv
Subject: Firehat's predictions for 2003

FIREHAT’S PREDICTIONS

FOR

2003 ©

by Norman Liebmann

To add to his other troubles, Trent Lott will fall down and break his hair.

Bill Clinton will be offered the title role in a movie about a hillbilly sociopath called A Clockwork Yokel. (Talk about type casting!)

The Saudis will discover even more oil, and attract even more blonds.

Bill Clinton will tell the nation it was not his idea to become a traitor – only his aspiration.

A flying saucer will land in Arkansas, but its occupants will refuse to get out because they don’t want to step in anything.

Attack lawyer Alan Derschowitz will write his autobiography entitled “Born to Sue.”

In his quest for the Presidency, Joseph Lieberman will courageously state in a speech before a convention of the NAACP, “Freeing the slaves was a good idea.”

Hillary Clinton will undergo a series of transfusions of Nutrasweet which will fail to improve her disposition.

Jimmy Carter will crack corn and nobody will care.

A NASA mission to Mars will run into an unexpected hardship because one of the Astronauts will forget to bring a can opener.

The Mafia will submit a bill to the Democratic Party for past services.

Michael Jordan will try hockey.

The world will finally agree to legalize cloning as long as it doesn’t make copies of any more Frenchmen.

Travel Agencies that arrange “anything goes” sex tours to Bangkok, Singapore, and Rangoon will widen the itinerary to include Boston. Consistently, as a result of its pederast sex scandals, scripture will be revised to contain the story of Boston and Gomorrah.

An enterprising Palestinian terrorist will open a children’s clothing shop on the West Bank that sells exploding rompers.

2003 will be another year in which nobody will put anything over on Fred C. Dobbs.

Janet Reno will be arrested for getting drunk, sneaking into a zoo at night, and attempting to breast feed a giraffe.

A new nostalgia craze will take hold in Vermont with men wearing hoopskirts - with midgets under them.

A patriot group will only ask for a one word revision in the Bush Amnesty for Illegal Aliens Act. They will want to replace the word “immigration” with the word “deportation.”

The big hit song of 2003 will be “Take My Love and Shove It Up Your Heart.”

Anna Nicole Smith will beach herself and have to be freed by tugs.

Madeline Albright will pose as a centerfold for Playboy Magazine. The photographer will have to airbrush out the corkscrew tail.

Vicente Fox will make a proclamation asking the last illegal alien leaving Mexico to please turn out the lights.

Senator Robert Byrd will seek sexual rejuvenation by having his prostate removed and replaced with a nine volt battery.

Civil rights leaders will propose to the black community that it will get anything it wants after the NAACP has its own Air Force.

Doctors will discover that Bill Clinton’s smile carries and can transmit nine readily identifiable social diseases.

Palestinian terrorists will stencil decals on their trucks showing the number of school buses they shoot up.

Patty Murray will make at least forty conjugal visits to Camp Gitmo - without wearing a diaphragm.

A cosmetic firm will create a cologne called Affirmative Action which makes ignorant people smell educated.

A check from North Korea made out to Bill Clinton for looking the other way while they built nuclear weapons, will not be cashed by his bank because of insufficient funds and high levels of radioactivity.

A gay author will write a hit book entitled The Art of Putting Things In Places Where Things Are Only Supposed to Come Out. The book can be acquired on line from geethathurts@amazon.com

In the middle of being interviewed by Katie Couric, a politician will OD on perk.

Bill Clinton will try to reinforce the notion that he is the first black President by introducing himself around Harlem as Virgil Tibbs.

New York’s Mayor Bloomberg will allow smoking in restaurants, but only if the smoker puts the lit end in his mouth.

Hillary Clinton will be prevented from boarding a plane at the airport when she can’t get her heart through the metal detector.

Eleanor Clift will be replaced on Capital Gang by a machine called an Interruptograph.

Bill Clinton will become the Ringmaster in a traveling sex circus. The show’s main attraction will be a troupe of performing viruses.

Homosexual advocates will demand history books be revised to teach children that George Washington’s Army spent the winter at Valley Fudge.

Jesse Jackson will take the position that the Jews are not “God's Chosen People”, but that they stole the name from a rock ‘n roll band that appeared on Soul Train.

People in Civil Unions will refer to their first year together as their Styrofoam Anniversary. A couple still together after fifty years will celebrate their Bubble Wrap Anniversary.

After intensive research, Michael Moore and Ralph Nader will declare each other unsafe at any speed.

Faced with a vote of conscience, the Senate will be swept by an epidemic of sweaty palms.

Under pressure from Rosie O’Donnell, Santa Claus will come out of the closet.

Michael Jackson will start a new fad in Hollywood called baby dangling. Thanks to Michael, abandoned kids will no longer be called “unwanted children”, but balcony fodder.

Egypt will ask and receive a grant of twenty million dollars to adorn the pyramids with window boxes.

Doctor’s will finally determine how Senator Robert Byrd came down with condition called chronic lip gloss.

Janet Reno will sprain her ankle after she accidentally falls off her vibrator.

A Hollywood press agent will advise his clients that the sure way to be seen is to be obscene. Nothing new here.

The Vermont Team will win an Olympic gold medal in the Shaving Your Legs Against the Clock event.

Viagra will be replaced by the self-erecting condom.

Automobile manufacturers will convince environmentalists that SUV spells “cat.”

After being insulted by her, a Powder Room attendant will slam the toilet seat shut in Hillary Clinton’s face.

Nancy Pelosi’s constituents will demand a recount of her teeth.

Gerontologists studying sex among the elderly will announce the good news is that people never get too old to watch.

Instead of admitting illegal aliens, politicians from both parties will clone the ones already here and register them to vote “at birth.”

Jimmy Carter will badger The Nobel Committee for an oak leaf cluster for his Peace Prize.

The National Enquirer will break a story involving Ed Asner and Pippi Longstocking. Yichh.

A same sex couple in Vermont will file for divorce citing Irreconcilable Similarities.

Tom Daschle will back out of a commitment to debate a coat rack.

A scientist will try to prove some parts of the Pacific Ocean are wetter than others. (He’s resting now.)

A movie star will file for divorce due to her husband’s infirmity - he having developed a condition called Partial Birth Erection.

In courting the homosexual vote, Democrat Congressmen will participate in the Gay Pride Parade dressed up as mutineers on the Good Ship Lollipop.

Environmentalists will lobby for legislation making it felony to frighten sharks while you are drowning.

Governor Gray Davis will attempt to solve California’s $35 million shortfall by making it legal for ATM machines to “keep the change” - and send it to Sacramento.

Bill Clinton will be offered his own TV show called The Smiling Vivisectionist.

and …

George Bush will win the War on Terror in Iraq only to lose it on our porous borders with Canada and Mexico – and that’s no joke.

FIREHAT

***

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