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Date Posted: 11:44:34 04/29/02 Mon
Author: Jon Ralston
Subject: Troy McKinley

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Originally Published Monday, April 29, 2002
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Fear Factor

Anxiety disorder proving tougher than any sand trap

By Bob Highfill

Record Staff Writer

Anyone who has stood over a putt for a skin or beer or whatever has felt it at some time. The knees knock, the throat becomes dry, the palms grow slick with sweat.

Imagine those symptoms turned up to such a degree that just staying conscious is a victory. Where the calm, tranquil beauty of a golf course becomes a dizzying backdrop of inexplicable terror.

Welcome to the world of University of the Pacific junior Troy McKinley.

''The anxiety is just horrible,'' said the fair-skinned, bright-eyed All-American from Danville. ''It feels like I've drunk nine or 10 cups of coffee in my chest. I'm nervous and jittery all the time.''

Doctors call it social anxiety disorder. McKinley calls it a huge pain in the you know what.

''It's affecting all areas of my life,'' said McKinley, 21. ''Any performance ... when I take tests, or talk to girls, or drive at night, or drive in bad weather, my hands just shake like crazy. I can't sleep at night.

''I've really asked God why this is happening.''

McKinley watched his teammates take part in the Big West Championship on Monday and Tuesday at Serrano Country Club in El Dorado Hills. It was his first experience as a member of the gallery. His teammates and coach Jason Preeo often stopped and shared some banter. But McKinley never felt more alone.

''(Monday) was the toughest day, so far,'' said McKinley, who at the time wasn't particularly looking forward to Tuesday, either. ''I've played in every single tournament in high school and college up to this point. To miss the Big West Championship is very difficult.''

Senior Jason Higton said it's been heartbreaking watching this talented, vibrant and vital young man battle his inner self.

''We just want to be supportive,'' said Higton, the 2001-02 Big West player of the year. ''He's acted like a champion. He's been supportive of us. He was out there the whole time. If it was me, I don't know if I could do that.''

McKinley said he began feeling nervous as a child. He had difficulty sleeping before tournaments and tests. He missed the cut for his high school golf team as a freshman when he shot 51 during qualifying. He had a 5-handicap at the time. He didn't sleep the night before.

McKinley managed his affliction through high school and graduated with honors from Monte Vista.

At Pacific, he has accumulated a 3.27 grade-point average in business and has earned academic all-conference honors. He was an All-American last year after leading the Tigers to an 11th-place finish at the NCAA Tournament in Durham, N.C.

But last summer, the symptoms became more pronounced and his golf began to suffer. He changed to a long putter in the fall, and it worked for a while. McKinley finished fifth at the Fresno Lexus Classic, then was medalist of the Pacific Invitational at The Reserve at Spanos Park in October.

He continued to play well through November, finishing fourth at The Prestige in Palm Desert and tying for 15th at the Savane College All-America Classic.

Then, the wheels began to fall off.

McKinley tied for 26th at the John Burns Invitational on Feb. 22-23, then tied for 59th at the Pacific Coast Invitational on March 7-8. A few weeks later, he had a panic attack at the Stevinson Ranch Invitational. His pulse raced 50 percent above normal, and he felt dizzy. His hands shook, and he couldn't focus. He contemplated suicide.

''Everything that had to do with social anxiety disorder, I had,'' said McKinley, who finished 82nd. ''It was horrible.''

It didn't get better.

McKinley passed out on the course and remained unconscious for about two minutes during the Western Intercollegiate in early April at Pasatiempo Golf Course in Santa Cruz. He withdrew from the tournament.

''I was on the 32nd hole that day and was watching the guy who won the tournament take a shot,'' McKinley said. ''That's the last thing I remember.''

McKinley didn't quit. He entered the U.S. Intercollegiate at Stanford on April 20-21 and struggled to tie for 87th. He and Preeo decided a break was in order. McKinley watched his team finish second at the Big West Championship. Now, the Tigers are awaiting an invitation to the NCAA Regionals. McKinley has no idea if he'll play.

''I'm an All-American shooting in the 80s,'' McKinley said. ''I'm an All-American who gets nervous on a 15-yard chip. I have no desire right now.''

In the meantime, McKinley is trying to find normality in his life. He has final exams in a few weeks.

''This semester has really put me behind,'' McKinley said. ''I'm not up to my normal self right now.''

Social anxiety disorder affects 10-15 percent of the population, according to socialanxiety.org -- a Web site dedicated to the disorder. Its cause is unknown. Anyone can get it. Symptoms include uneasiness in social situations, heart palpitations, trembling, dry mouth and stammering.

Drugs called SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors), MAOIs (monoamine oxidase inhibitors) and benzodiazpines are some of the drugs used to combat the disorder, as well as psychological treatment and counseling.

McKinley has visited doctors and undergone counseling. He currently is taking medication that might not take hold for several weeks. Until then, he's praying for relief.

''I'm a fighter. I always have been,'' McKinley said. ''I've really been reading my Bible and trying to find wisdom from that.''

McKinley hopes something good happens soon. He'd like to play in the NCAA Regionals and recapture last year's magic. But more importantly, he just wants to feel like himself again.

* To reach reporter Bob Highfill, phone 546-8299 or e-mail bhighfil@recordnet.com

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