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Date Posted: 16:38:17 05/03/02 Fri
Author: a player
Subject: Awesome!
In reply to: Rach 's message, "Thanks. And by the way to other people this is my first story that I have written." on 16:19:05 04/29/02 Mon

My only suggestions would be to clarify the positions of these people you mention, and to describe them more. The going was really, really tough through the whole chapter. They were talking more than they were doing anything.
And it was really confusing for the first several paragraphs. Who was this guy, and what side was he on, what did he do? I understand the reason why you didn't say what this offer was, yet it would have been nice to know that this man offering this was an ambassador for the other planet... Same with the president. I gathered he was the president, but who was Vanning? And that lady there, and this one there, and this person here... You tossed in chars without explaining who they were or what they did. I honestly was confused, it was rough reading for a bit. I don't think you'd have to thoroughly describe the people that only star in one chapter, it wouldn't be worth it - but the basics of name and position would be nice to know before you go slogging off and referring to people the reader barely knows...
If you're to use people for more than one chapter, or they're the main chars, I'd describe them much more. But that's just me, and my opinions.
Your story is so far a page-turner (or a page-scroller... depending on your view of it :) and I'm eagerly awaiting the next chapter, but I would have loved to have been able to know who the characters were and what they did without having to guess or assume... I hope you don't take offense to my comments/suggestions - and I apologize if you do, but I still think your story will ROCK when it's finished...

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