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Subject: One to myself Author: Dennis (too win myself) [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] Date Posted: 18:20:08 11/09/06 Thu I would like to communicate to you some very important feelings I have regarding this life and its signifagence to you in particular. I request that you read the entire letter if possible before you acquire any emotional signifagence regarding its specific purpose or reasoning of intent . In the last three years I have had very little personal contact with any human beings at all. To such an extent that I became anti social and suicidal in November of 2004 I did not want to kill myself but was unwilling to admit to myself that I needed any other human beings companionship to the potential human bonds that I had intentionally cut myself off from at the time I thought it was the best thing to do for myself unaware of the emotional problems I would create in doing so. I told myself that I did not need any other humans or any relationships in general, I believed at the time it was the best thing I could do to remedy my emotional dilemma at the time. To cut myself completely off from any personal relationships this was at the time in my reasoning the only logical thing to do .my emotional intelligence at the time was far lacking in the ability I had found to truly believe deep down inside that I in fact did not and should never need what I already had not found and did not have. This was clearly defined to me emotionally as my reasoning thus far for any feeling I might have otherwise possessed for how I had felt inside and any idiot should know this much so far as I had thought and reasonably thus far felt as the case it should be. I found out the hard way I was wrong and learned many very important lessons along the way as well. For example that the original problem I had created in the first place was the supposed reasoning of the problem I created thereafter in effect. in other words when I had failed to establish any significant relationship or bond with any other human being thus far there became to exist within me an emotional suffering I had never as of yet felt so strong thus far and from somewhere within me at the time I tricked me into believing it was because I had an original need too establish it in the first place. My defective logic and reasoning unknown to me at the time led me to believe in an obvious attempt at justice for myself for example that it was the simple way that it was my need for it that had caused the problem in the first place, that in fact by not needing others I would relieve myself from the emotional dilemma I had created within myself to begin with. Boy was I mistaken and in such a way and to such an extant that I even convinced myself that any relationships with any other human beings on any personal level was just plainly stupid and idiotic at best, and further I led myself to believe that in fact keeping my distance was the only true way to secure my sanity and ability to stay within control of my life, And myself and maybe I was right in a way but I would like to share with you my deepest most important feelings of just how or why I might have been wrong. If I was already in a position of authority or in charge of potential circumstance and in a situation at present then from already being in a position of authority and likely already having already secured any personal relationships I might ever emotionally require I would obviously at the time have no necessary or valid need for them emotionally anymore. An understanding which requires me to realize for myself the only reason I could possibly have no need for them ever is because as it is having already having at the time possession of it as it is established as is been the case and then I naturally have no need for it . So I should tell my self there is obviously no valid reason for the need of it. I believe in a simple way what I am trying to communicate to you is that if ones emotional needs are already met it is expected that the natural emotional response to the circumstances will be illogical if one has what they already require. There is obviously no logical need for it. Emotionally and Specifically it is the case that my logical response would likely be that I do not need what it is I already do not have. I then should have no emotional requirement for it in the first place. To secure the position of not having a supposed dilemma of not having a concise need for it at least as much as I could or would ever be willing to admit to myself caused me to become an emotional liar to myself from my desire and my emotional need of a concise reason not to have a need to be aware of it in the first place. my emotional an unconscious defense of self or so I thought at the time and the idea of the need to not have to choose not to have a reason for a concise reason to be aware of it in the first place left me in blank opposition and without any realistic supposed understanding of its manifestation and further then if this is possible how could anyone ever become to understand any prior unknown in the first place. In the second place an unaware and unknown would naturally manifest as my need and desire not to try and further understand or confuse myself in it. I would attempt to think I had indeed already understood it as such not a problem to me just a solution to be not to need again anything I had still failed to understand as of yet as if I could have ever had a need to have ever needed to have an understanding of what I was not aware of yet I am aware although I often go way too deep of an insistence to profound understanding. it has been one of my faults since I could ever remember for the reason that not since I have ever known I could have ever forgot thus far too with a purpose remember this. [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]