TORN - CHAPTER 15 -- Fictional Getdown

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Date Posted: 02:20:30 09/26/02 Thu
Author: Sonali
Subject: TORN - CHAPTER 15

CHAPTER 15

I thought I was going to be sick. All color drained from my face. I felt Justin come up behind me and I knew he looked and felt the same way I did, if not, worse. Yeah, definitely worse. There, before us stood a shocked and very hurt and angry Britney.

�How could you? HOW COULD YOU?� Her yelling got everyone else�s attention, who came to see what all the commotion was about.

�Holy shit,� Joey said, upon seeing the situation in front of him. No explanation was needed, it was crystal clear. Me, standing in Justin�s shirt, Justin standing behind me in his boxers.

�Please let me explain,� I said, losing whatever composure I had.

�I can�t deal with this right now,� Brit said through her tears. She turned and walked away. Justin was about to go after her but Lance stopped him.

�No. Give her space. I�ll go,� he said as he ran up to her. Her took her into his room. I was so ashamed, I couldn�t look at any of the guys. I walked to my room and shut the door.

�We need to talk, NOW,� JC said, pushing Justin into his room. Joey followed.

�I�m gonna check on Sonali,� Chris said, getting out an extra key.

LANCE AND BRITNEY�

�How could he? I thought he loved me? And with her � I really considered her a friend. I feel so stupid! How could I have not known? Did you know, Lance?�

�I had no idea, Britney. I am so sorry he did this to you. You don�t deserve to be treated like that. Come here,� he said, pulling her into him. She began to sob again.

�You know what the worst part is? As angry and hurt as I am with him, I still love him. How fucked up is that?�

�Shhh, it�s not. You need to not beat yourself up like this. You had nothing to do with this situation. Stop tearing yourself down like this. You�ve shared more than anyone I know. You can�t expect your feelings to just go up in flames like that.�

�It hurts. It hurts so much.� Lance held her tighter in an effort to take her pain away.

JUSTIN, JOEY & JC�

�This was bound to happen. I told you EVERYONE would find out,� JC said.

�I know. God I fucked up,� Justin said.

�WAIT! YOU KNEW ABOUT THIS,� Joey asked in surprise.

�Yeah but I figured this fuckhead would make a decision and come clean on his own,� JC said angrily.

�I can�t believe this. This is what happens when you lie, cheat, and keep secrets,� Joey said.

�Joe, man, I am sorry. I don�t even know how things spun out of control. Please don�t be upset with her. Sonali didn�t force this, I did. And as much as it killed her, she was so afraid of what you guys would think,� Justin pleaded. Joey�s demeanor softened and as he slowly calmed down, he began to see why we kept it from the other guys. After a lengthy explanation from Justin to Joey, telling him everything, Joey sighed.

�Still Justin, what are you going to do now? You know Brit loves you. Do you love her?�

�Yes.�

�And Sonali,� JC asked. Justin swallowed and held his face in his hands.

�I don�t know.�

CHRIS AND SONALI�

�Chris, please, I need to be alone,� I said through my tears.

�Well I need to know what the hell is going on! C�mon Sonali, enough with the secrets and lying.� He was right. I turned and faced him. It was the first time he had seen me cry and as angry as he was, he still loved me and it broke his heart to see tears in my eyes. He walked over and hugged me. I started to cry again but pulled myself together so I could tell him everything.

�I kept saying to myself that this needed to end before we hurt someone and you wanna know something ironic? Today was really it. I had made the decision to really end things and I didn�t even tell Justin. I wasn�t planning on it, either, because I knew he�d do or say something to make me cave in. I was just gonna distance myself and make sure we never were alone and he�d get the point. Chris, you must think I�m awful.�

�Hey, hey, hey, I could never think that. I love you but this is a really fucked up situation with a lot of fucked up circumstances. I know you�d never hurt anyone intentionally, and either would Justin for that matter.�

�I�m such a weak person. I broke a promise to myself. Then I couldn�t bring myself to end it. And I let you and the other guys down, not to mention Johnny, who�ll be so disappointed. And��

�And? And what?�

�I let myself fall in love with him.� I began crying again.

�You didn�t let us down. We were a little angry to have found out like this, but I understand why you didn�t say anything. As for Johnny, well, I don�t know how he�ll react, but I do know he�s not one to judge quickly. As for you, you�re not weak. Don�t ever beat yourself up for being human. You fell in love. Love is�it�s a force with so much power that it takes complete control over people. As much as you try to fight it, you can�t. In fact, the more you try to fight it, the stronger it gets.�

�Chris, what the hell am I going to do now?�

�Honestly, sweetie, I wish I could tell you, but I can�t. You are going to have to figure that out.�

After a while, the guys all got together and talked about everything. Lance had managed to get Brit to stay somehow and I was laying on my bed, thinking about everything.

�I�m gonna talk to Brit,� Justin said. He made his way to Lance�s room while the others headed to mine. I apologized to each of them and much to my amazement, they all comforted me and didn�t treat me any differently. Justin knocked on Britney�s door. Reluctantly, she opened it and walked over to the bed, not saying anything to him for a while.

�Why,� she finally whispered.

�Honestly, I don�t know. But I do know that I love you and I know you don�t want to hear how sorry I am. I fucked up. I hurt you. I lied to you. I broke our trust and your heart. But I love you. I need you,� Justin said.

�You know what hurt the most? The idea of not being with you anymore. As angry and hurt as I am, I love you,� she said through her tears. Justin knelt down and wrapped his arms around her waist.

�I am so sorry,� he said, letting his own tears fall. After a long evening of talking, explaining, crying, apologizing, and promising, he left Brit�s room knowing they were going to make it through this mess he had created. He was going to shower and get something to eat with her.

The guys had stayed, ignoring my requests to be alone. After a while, I was thankful they stayed. We ate, even joked a little, and watched TV. I know they were trying to keep my mind occupied and while I loved them more for trying, they failed. I couldn�t help but think where Justin was and what he was doing.

�Who�s gonna come with me and hit up the vending machine? I�m in desperate need of chocolate,� I said.

�Forget the vending machine, let�s hit up the gift shop. They sell king-size candy bars,� Joey said with a grin. I smiled and got up.

�AHA! There it is! I KNEW we�d get a genuine smile out of you sooner or later,� Lance said. I smiled again.

�TWO! We�re on a roll,� Chris joked. I headed out behind Joey who was standing still.

�Joe, one foot in front of the other,� I said. Then I heard them laughing. I peered over Joey�s shoulder just in time to see Justin kiss Britney. Then Britney closed the door to their room. The one I had been in just hours before.

�Sonali, are you okay?�

�I�m fine. C�mon, chocolate awaits,� I said, holding it all in. We headed down to the gift shop but my heart was left in the hallway, shattered in a million pieces.

�You know guys, I really am tired. Can we call it a night,� I asked a few hours later. Ever since I had seen Justin and Britney, I had been completely out of it. I watched the guys joke around but didn�t register anything they had said.

�Okay, we�ll get outta here. G�night,� Chris said. They each hugged me, Joey being last.

�I can stay. We can talk. I have two good shoulders for you,� he whispered. I quickly wiped away a stray tear.

�I�m okay, really. I just need to be alone. I�ll call if I change my mind,� I said. He kissed my cheek and wiped away another tear. I closed the door and sank to the ground, crying. The guys looked at Joey curiously. He shook his head.

�We were on our way to get candy and they were kissing as they went into their room,� Joey said.

�That explains the zombie-like behavior,� Chris said.

�You know, as crazy as it sounds, I kinda wished he would have gotten together with Sonali,� Joey said.

�Yeah, you and me both,� JC said.

After a while, I got myself together and had come to a decision. There was no way I could possibly stay. This was unusual for me � quitting, but I had to in this case. For the sake of my sanity. I began to pack my bags and then I sat down to write the first of four letters.

�Britney,

What I did, there�s no excuse. I can never tell you how sorry I am. My friends and I used to talk about how we despised the girls who were the �other girl.� Surprisingly, I became one of them and despite what you may think, I do despise myself. I really honestly never meant to hurt you. I tried so hard to end things, but what can I say? I�m weak. Even though we didn�t know each other that long, I am amazed at how quickly we became so close. I will always remember the good times we had, and even the times I held your hair back or you holding mine after a night of too much partying. You are a very lucky girl and stand alone. No one can ever compare to you in his eyes and I want you to always remember that. I am so sorry for hurting you. I don�t want you to think that I�m writing this for my own benefit, as a way to lift the guilt, because it�s not. I don�t even know if this is for your benefit. These are just things I needed to let you know and I don�t have the strength to try to talk to you, to tell you these things, but you need to know that this is how I feel. I never, ever, wanted to hurt you, but I did and I am so sorry.

Sonali�

I sighed as I folded it up and put it in the envelop. The next one:

�Johnny,

First off, thank you. Thank you for giving me such an amazing opportunity. I�ll never forget what you did for me. Not only were you a great boss, but you were like a second father. I am so sorry for breaking that trust you instilled in me. I prided myself on my professionalism and look what I�ve gone and done. I will always bear the disappointment of my actions. I wish you nothing but luck in the future.

Sonali�

My hand was starting to hurt from writing the word sorry so many times. On to the third letter.

�To my big brothers,

What can I say? I honestly don�t know. I do know that I love each one of you and I am so thankful you invited me into your lives with open arms. I got to see what it�s like to have brothers! I can�t begin to explain how guilty I feel for keeping things from you. There were so many times I wanted to run to you and pour my heart out but I couldn�t. I won�t say I�m sorry since you already know that. I won�t say I�m disappointed in myself because you already know that too. You know as well as I do that this is for the best. No awkward tension to face and all of that. Remember not to drive your new assistant insane � not everyone is as tolerant as me. Take care. I love you all.

Sonali�

Yeah, it�d be difficult for them to read parts of it since the ink bled in some places because of my tears. I grabbed a tissue and another piece of paper. God this was getting harder by the moment. I took a deep breath and began the fourth and final letter.

�Justin,

Where do I begin? Part of me wishes you really had stuck with the assole attitude but then I think about the past few months and I change my mind. Despite the situation we created, I wouldn�t change a thing because for the first time in my life, I can honestly say I was in love. Thank you for letting me feel that. Some people go a lifetime not experiencing it, but I luckily can say I�m not one of them. I don�t want you to feel guilty � I walked into this with my eyes wide open. I knew what the circumstances were and the consequences and we chose to ignore them. Love tends to take complete control over us at times someone very wise told me. I need you to know that I want you to be happy. Because if you�re happy, I�m happy. I knew all along that I could never take her place and I�m not angry with you or her. What I feel for you is what you feel for her and what she feels for you. Don�t ever lose that feeling � love.

Sonali�

I sighed and headed to my bed in an effort to get some rest. The next day, I spoke with Johnny who was disappointed � that I got involved � but also because I was leaving. Somehow, he understood and wasn�t angry though.

�But there is one thing � can you possibly stay until we find a replacement? I�ll try to find someone before we leave New York in two days.� How could I say no to such a simple request?

�Of course, but please don�t let any of the guys know I�m leaving. I�d like to be the one to tell them.�

�You got it. I am definitely going to miss you.�

�Please don�t say that. I don�t know if I have any tears left,� I said as he hugged me. As I got off the elevator, I ran right into Britney.

�Sorry,� she said curtly.

�No, it�s my fault. Um, hang on. I need to give you something,� I said digging for her letter. I found it and handed it to her. She took it and headed for the elevator. I noticed she had her suitcase with her so I headed to JC�s room to see what was going on.

�Hey doll, come in,� he said. I did and sat down on his bed.

�So what�s going on?�

�Not much. Getting ready for the show. Are you coming to the afterparty?�

�No, I�m kinda tired as it is, so I know I�ll be exhausted after the show.�

�You never know, we may kidnap you,� he joked. I smiled but it faded fast. We sat there for a while in silence. I knew he was being patient, waiting for me to ask. I finally caved in and cut right to it.

�I ran into Britney in the hall. She had her suitcase.�

�Yeah, she�s gonna shoot a video in LA then meet back up with us in a week,� JC said softly.

�Oh. Alright, well I�m gonna head to the venue. I have some things to do for Johnny,� I said as I got up and left.

The concert flew by and I told the guys I wasn�t up for the party. Though they weren�t happy, they knew not to push and let me go back to the hotel. I found Johnny waiting for me once I arrived.

�Hey kiddo, feeling okay?�

�Yeah just tired.�

�Oh. Well, I hired someone. Definitely won�t replace you but she�ll have to do. I arranged for you ticket home tomorrow.�

�Thanks Johnny,� I said with a forced smile.

�I really am going to miss you, despite everything.�

�Me too. Oh, and before I forget, this is for you. But don�t open it until after tomorrow.�

�Okay. Take care sweetheart.� He kissed my forehead and walked away. I sighed and went into my room. I had all of my bags in there, all packed and ready to go. I called for an early morning wake-up call and changed into my pajamas. I was about to climb into bed when I heard a knock on my door. I got up and answered it, only to find Justin leaning against the wall.

�Hey, can I talk to you,� he asked softly. I opened the door wider to let him in.

�What�s up,� I asked, trying my best to sound normal.

�I�m sorry I didn�t get a chance to talk to you sooner.�

�Talk about what? There�s nothing to talk about. I�m not blind. I saw you two together. What�s there to talk about?� So much for trying to sound normal.

�Sonali, please.�

�Please what? What do you want me to do? What do you want me to say?�

�I � I don�t know.�

�Well I�m not going to say something to ease your guilt or ill feelings because no one has done that for me. It�s over, it�s done with. What more do you want?� I couldn�t hold back my tears any longer.

�I want to hold you one last time.� The look, his demeanor, it wasn�t like he wanted one last hurrah romp in the bed. He really did want to hold me one last time. And dammit, I wanted it too. He got into bed with me and pulled me close to him. I started crying again.

�This is all so crazy,� I said.

�I�m sorry. I never meant to hurt you.� I looked up and saw tears in his eyes as well. It only made me cry harder. I gently wiped away his tears, something that only his mother had ever done.

�I know Justin, I know.� We held each other, we cried some more and we fell asleep. Well, he did. I laid awake and watched the minutes change to hours. I soaked up every moment of that night because it was my last with him. I memorized every crevice of his face, every curl on his head, the way his chest rose up and down as he slept. I saw the sun rise and slowly, carefully, I crept out of bed. I smiled as I saw him still fast asleep. I knew it was the first time in a few days that he�d gotten a good night�s sleep because usually my getting out of bed would have woken him up, but today, he was out like a light. Quickly, I changed and gathered up all of my bags. I knew if I didn�t leave now, while everyone was still awake, it�d be impossible. I placed Justin�s letter next to him and placed a soft, gentle kiss on his lips. As I made my way to the elevator, I slid the last letter for the guys under JC�s door. I got in a cab downstairs and headed to the airport, crying the whole way there.

The sound of the phone ringing woke Justin from his first peaceful night of sleep in about a week.

�Hello,� he mumbled.

�This is your wake-up call.�

�Okay,� he said, putting the phone down. He realized he was alone. He realized he was alone in MY room. He looked around for any sign of me but the only thing he found was the letter, which he tore open and read. He could feel the chunks rising in the back of his throat as he read each word. She loved me? How could I have done this to her? She really did love me, he thought as he made his way back to his room. He bumped into the other guys who were too busy reading their own letter to question why he wasn�t already in his own room.

�She�s really gone,� Joey said softly.

�She didn�t even tell us in person,� Chris said sadly.

�Think about it, though. It wouldn�t have been easy. We can�t be upset with her over that,� JC reasoned with the guys.

�You�re right. I guess that�s why Johnny called us. C�mon Justin, let�s go meet our new assistant,� Lance said.

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Ok, honestly, I feel so greedy, but I can't wait for more of this story! -- Z, 17:41:45 09/26/02 Thu