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Date Posted: 05:19:01 04/22/01 Sun
Author: ugly duckling
Subject: look at me bother you w/ the same exact skit show!

The result of locking three geniuses
Together
in a cage for a week with only a woodchuck to survive
soas to ponderwhy canned tomatoes go
rotten

(Plays dammit and does the little intro thing)
Furry Octopus: It’s… a communistic, iron toothpick.

Hamster: Hello. And now I shall let you in on the most fun thing on earth: dead prostitutes, dipped in chocolate, dipped in peanut butter (rolled in gold) dipped in ducks, in a tank for me to be dived upon.
Furry octopus: It’s… a rare Scottish pleated sugar cabbage.
Yippy: We’ve got a fun hour!! First we will have. (Static). Followed by the suspenseful…(Emergency broadcast system). And finally, the meaning of life is to always…(E.B.S)…and never…(Static) or cows.
But first, here’s the news, from a small hamster that says dirty things.
Hamster: Well, today is just the most shit poor day I’ve ever seen in my career as a hamster. First, take me, take me now, we’ve got hailstorms all the way up some enormous, vibrating knockers.
Yippy: Wow, hamster. That’s great. And now, a man who’s pet Amazonian Hoatzin bird is addicted to crack.
Bird owner: I would just give him a little sniff of my crack every once and a while. I think his problem really started when he came back to my apartment at 12:00 and was drunk and/or stoned. Our relationship’s just gone downhill from there.
Yippy: E-excuse me, are you admitted to taking illegal substances?
B.O: Yes, would you like some?
Yippy: You’re a crack addict?!
B.O: Nosa, I’m a rubix cube.
Yippy: You’re insane.
B.O: Get him bo-bo!!
Yippy: Sir, you have a roast chicken on your arm.
B.O: Oh, so now your prejudice against Hoatzin birds!!!!
Yippy: guards!!
(Flash back to main scene)
Yippy: Yes, well. Our next segment will be a debate between several officials about Balsa wood and it’s effect on squirrels.
(Flash to scene)
Official1: Yes, well balsa wood, as we all know, is of great density, and will therefore devastate the African ring-tailed squirrel, known to be allergic to high density and kryptonite, also
O2: Excuse me, that is preposterous!!
Yippy: And what’s your argument, sir?
O2: Well, computers and Hoatzin birds, as well as cabbages, must be taught in elementary school. Children need to know the hard facts!
Yippy: Well, what is your take on Balsa wood?
O3: Well, at this moment I am completely ignorant to this subject, so I feel that I should drone incessantly about Britain becoming a world power.
Yippy: Yes, I see.
(Back to main scene)
Yippy: And now, here is a dog that rides a unicycle over live monkeys.
Dog: Ro!! MM-MM.
Background: monkey-boy, monkey boy! (Weird voice) monkey-boy.
(Flash back to main scene)
Furry octopus: It’s… a chicken beaten to death and shoved in a sandwich made primarily of Hoatzin birds.
Yippy: Hello. Boy.
(Flash to scene and little boy scurries up with small steps.)
Boy (speaking quickly): Okay, so once in a pet store there was a fish, but my friend pet the fish and it bit him, so we called it piranha, then it ate a cat, and my gym teacher has a smelly Hoatzin bird.
Yippy: Did you say Hoatzin bird!?!?!?!?!?!???
Boy: Oh shit.
(Millions of hamsters fall from the ceiling onto the boy)
Boy: AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! Piranha! Come boy! Sick ‘em!
(A goldfish fall from the ceiling and squishes the boy and all the hamsters.)
(Dirty Hamster runs onto stage.)
Hamster: And that’s all for that. Big floppy boobies.

Furry Octopus: And now: An old man jumps off the sears tower with nothing to prevent his death but a cabbage.

(Scene cuts to the old man jumping off the sears tower.)
Old man: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
(The screaming and falling lasts for about a minute. Then the old man splatters on the ground.)
(An extreme close up on the squished man appears.)
Furry Octopus: As you can see, the old man died. But:
(a circle appears around the cabbage)
Furry Octopus: The cabbage was unharmed. But, of course, the old man is dead so, we highly recommend not doing this to everyone. Except, Bob Saget or Barbara Streisand. If either of you have cabbages and happen to be in the Chicago area please try! Ask the old mans corpse! He loved it!
(We go to the newsroom.)
Yippy: But as any smart person can tell, both Barbara Streisand’s and Bob Sagets intials are B.S. And that’s what we think of there work. It’s total B.S.
Hamster: That is true. My wife has nipples the size of the Millennium dome. We hate the B.S.’s. My wife’s ass is luscious, but I have to share it with five other hamsters…and a rat. (Run’s away crying)
Yippy: Yes, I see…(shifty eyes)
Hoatzin squaks onto stage.
Hoatzin bird: You’re all prejudice against Hoatzin birds.
Yippy: Did you say Hoatzin?!?!!!???????!
Hoatzin bird: oh, shit.
(Thousands of lemmings drop from the ceiling, but Hoatzin bird eats all lemmings.)
Yippy: OH, shit.
(Flash to highway. Hoatzin bird walks up to car.)
Hoatzin: Do you know where this cowboy is?
Driver: AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGHHHHHHHHH!
(Thousands of lemmings head towards car.)
Driver: oh, shit.
(Hoatzin bird eats Yippy.)
Hoatzin: Yes, now this will not be know as “Yippy the cowboy’s dysfunctional family fun time.” It will now be known, as “Hoatzin and cabbage’s good, wholesome, orderly, boring entertainment
(Barney eats Hoatzin bird.)
Barney: oh, shit.
(Lemming attack Barney)
Hamster (Gnaw, gnaw, gnaw) Hello, do you ever feel that your hemorrhoids are great, big, pimples on you’re ass? Well, you’re a sick reject because you have hemorrhoids. You stupid bastard, every time you sit down, another one pops! Well you stupid piece of dog shit, you have hemorrhoids! And now that I have thoroughly enjoyed making you stupid freaks sound dumber then you are! Now to business. This show shall no longer be “Hoatzin and cabbages good, wholesome, orderly, boring entertainment” it shall now be:
The, you retard; you have hemorrhoids, with lemmings show.
(All of a sudden the hamster runs in with an AK 47.)
Hamster: DIE! YOUR BREASTS AREN’T AS BIG AS MY WIFE’S! DIE!
(Hamster shoots all the lemmings.)
Hamster: FUCK YOU LEMMING BASTARDS! AND FUCK MY WIFE THE HOT BITCH! Now. The show that was formerly, formerly, formerly known as “Yippy the cowboy’s dysfunctional family fun time.” Will now be known as: The Dirty non-dancing hamster and Co. show. Big hooters. Thank you. Gigantic Boobies. Hoatzin, cabbage. on the greatest thing on earth.. Dead, bisexual hookers dipped in peanut butter, dipped in gold, dipped in peanut butter, dipped in ducks (covered in chocolate) and put into a pit soon to be skydived into by myself. My wife breastfed my baby last night and I got horny. Now I shall sacrifice a lemming like we shall every episode from now on.
(The scene goes onto a man opening a cage of lemmings on the edge of a cliff. All the lemmings get out and run of the cliff. One lemming grabs onto the edge of the cliff and shakes his fist at the camera. Rock is thrown at lemming and he falls off.)
Hamster: Well, that would have been sad, spank me again, if lemmings didn’t suck my miniature, wrinkly fasces.
(Giant rumbling in background)
Hamster: Oh, shit.
(Hamster holds up strange object)
Hamster: fotrhynomas gohndarctin giant boobies!!!!!
(Lemmings whimper and back away)
Hamster: Yes, Well. And now, something completely unheard of…an immature person left writing this show.
(Flash to scene)
(Camera behind sofa, thing on sofa shadowed by T.V light, and invisible)
T.V: Are you a sufferer of cranial anal disorder? Now there’s a help line. Caller, you’re on the air.
Caller: bgvtigrknjbeakrfihbtikdn mvgiogsrangiruhezSFJrvdeahigrbsd ugbewglihew.
Telephone person: So, a bully shoved you’re head up your ass?
Caller:mph!!
Telephone person: Well, I’m sure nobody cares about you anymore.
(Telephone person hangs up and looks at screen)
Telephone person: Do you have your head up your ass? Have you ignored threats, which lead to catastrophe, or are you a good person, who’s just made a few mistakes? If you seek support, or guidance, call 1-800-ASS-HEAD.
(Shows boy with head up his anus jumping excitedly)
Boy:MMMJBYIBUOMPH!!!!!!
(Twenty years later, boy stumbling through field, happy.)
Boy: MPH, MPH, MPH, MPH, MPH.
Subtitles: I’m doing a lot better since I saw that commercial all those years back, and the doctor says I’ve worked out my speech impediment…
(Cuts back to hamster)
Hamster: Right, well, I’m going to go rip off the ear of the man who wrote that, and slap him to death with it.
(Starts showing flowers swaying in the docile summer wind)
Soothing voice: The great people at the Trambonian Broadcasting Channel would like to apologize for the mental difficulties of the strange hamster who keeps on interrupting the air time of borgenshtein, Trambonia’s favorite, silliest comedy involving trampolines, Vietnamese pot-bellied pigs, and of course, those little flaggy things they have on mail boxes.
(Flash back to the stage)
Hamster: And now, a sitcom writer who doesn’t write extremely carefully.
(Cuts to scene)
Bobby: Loak, mary-tue, I just can’t handle this king of relationship.
Mary-sue: Bobby, arf you just trying to get away with cheating on he?
Bobby: bo!!!
Mary-sue: Miar!!!
(Bobby sticks sticks a knight in his body)
(Mary-sue, bobby, and the knight look at the screen)
Mary-sue, Bobby, and knight: That’s enough! This isn’t funny anymore!!
(Flashes to man on the computer, writing)
Writer: Oh, shit
(Thousands of buffalo stampede the writer)
(flashes to shrub with sunglasses and a backwards hat)
Shrub: yes, I see.
(Cuts to smurf)
Smurf: Right, I’ve had it. As you know, this show is quite silly. We smurfs do not enjoy a good laugh, so from now on, anyone part of this that becomes silly will have to face the consequences.
(Cuts to Hamster)
Hamster: Right, a smurf. Now, the South Dakota Saudi Arabian mafia, and how it throws potatoes at cows.
(Cuts to scene)
(Arabian people have a man strapped to a chair)
Mafia leader: we have ways of making you talk, Mr. Travolta.
Radish: I’m not john travolta; I’m just a horseradish who looks like him.
Mafia leader: Jimmy, turn on the video.
(Radish gets scared and sweats. Camera looks at radish as you hear sounds.
Sounds: MOO, MOOO
(Camera at screen, showing cow being pelted with potatoes. Cow slowly dies.)
Smurf: Right, that’s it.
(Smurf eats mafia.)
(Flashes back)
Hamster: Kay. That’s all. Lemmings, flying potatoes, cabbages, hoatzin birds, and smurfs kill hamster. Giant, Jamaican umbrella: Yo Mon, chill out, and have some weed.
Miniscule potatoe: I can dig it.
(Man walks by with Caribbean half-shell drum.
Umbrella: Ya, mon.
(Man comes out of drug-influenced dream and wakes up as a British Badger who's secretly a scholar at Oxford)
Badger: OH, right. (The setting is a customs office in an airport in England.)

Head of the board of customs: Is it true that you just came from Hawaii?
Jeremy: Yes.
Head of the board of customs (holding a pineapple): is this yours?
Jeremy: Yes.
Head of the board of customs: BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!!! Are you trying to upset our insect population!?!?!?!??
Jeremy: Sorry, I'll just go to France!
Head of the board of customs: BASTARD!!!!!!!!!! Are you trying to kill all there Snails!??!!?!??!?!?!? Poison their raw meat?
Jeremy: I'm sorry.
Head of the board of customs: BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jeremy: Well, what do you expect me to do?
Head of the board of customs: You can die!!!!!!
(The Head of the board of customs pulls out a gun and shoots Jeremy in the chest.)
Head of the board of customs: Next.
(The guards send a man in.)
Head of the board of customs: What he do then.
Guard: He shot a stewardess.
Head of the board of customs: Why the hell are you bothering me with junk like that????? Send him on his way. BASTARD!!!!!

Jeremy: Hello, this is behind the scenes of behind the scenes shows. As you can see robots run these shows.
They suck; no robot could ever do as good a job as a human.

(Jeremy's head spins around, shoots off into the air and the explodes. You can see sparks shooting out of his neck.)

Bill Gates: Yet I still make billions!!!!!!!!! Presenter:
The creators of this show would like you to now that no cabbages were harmed in the filming of these skits. Except the ones the we infact used. Therefore cabbages were infact harmed in the making of this show. The creators would also like you to know that none were hurt in the writing of this show. Even though one of them ate one at his computer while writing this. So, cabbages were harmed in the writing of this show. But the creators would like you to know that no cabbages were hurt in the filming of various other episodes, of various other shows, by various other creators, which did not contain cabbages.
Thank you for listening.

Man in parliament: I say we pass a law for no reason whatsoever with no thought put into it that everyone will hate, and that any other government would not pass. This law will make it almost impossible to do the most minuscule of tasks.
Other man in parliament: sorry, we've already passed that law
man #1: damnit! Than what should we do?
Man#3: I say we make a law that will send all the Frenchmen and Romanian people eating cabbage back to Switzerland!
Man #1: that has no meaning whatsoever! If you support the making of this law say I.
All of parliament: I!
Man #3 standing on a podium in front of a French man and Romanian eating a cabbage: you are all going back to Switzerland tomorrow!
Frenchman #1: but we don't come forms Switzerland!
Man# 3: I know. Hey! Leave that cabbage alone, what did it ever do to u?! Do you support my argument?
All of parliament: I! (Fade to press conference)
Bill Clinton: I Bill Clinton have just passed a law banning Bill Gates from producing those robots that make behind the scenes shows.
Press: YAY!!!!!!!!!!

Voice: We interrupt this Press conference with and urgent message from The British Parliament located somewhere in Switzerland.

Man#1: I support United States President Bill Clinton’s Law banning Bill Gates from producing those robots that make behind the scenes shows. Who supports me?
All of Parliament: I!!!

Voice: We interrupt this program with a special message from Bill Gates. He’s really not important but he’s paying us £100,000 to do this.

Bill Gates: It’s really no Problem. I’ll just have to sell in Taiwan. HEEHEE! Cuts to scene of a man riding a stuffed animal tiger.)
Man: Yeah! Yeah! YEah! It's Fun!

Smurf: Listen I've warned you twice before, now this is your last warning!

(Cut to man robbing a bank)

Man: Alright. I don't want no fuss. Gimme all your money.
Cashire: I'm broke, that's why I work here!
Man: Damn.
Cashire: I'm sorry.
Man: Oh It's alright. I'm a failure as a bank robber anyway.
Cashire: It's alright. Just Gimme your gun and come back tomarrow and try again. I'm sure it'll work then. They say 57th times a charm you know.
Man: Thanks Cashire boy. You give me hope every time.

Song: Cashire Boy! He helps bank robbers, Try again!
Cashire Boy! He helps bank robbers, Try again!
If you needin' money just come try and rob his bank.
He'll tell you to try again the next day!
Cashire Boy! He helps bank robbers, Try again!

Voice: Tune in tomarrow for another episode of:
Cashire Boy!

(cut to scene of man about to be given the lethal injection.)

Man: I'm so scared. I'm fritened of needles!
Executioner: Oh don't be. It's only a little prick, and It only hurts for a second.
Man: Oh, Alright then!
Execution: That the Spirit! Jump into it! No need to be afraid! It's not like it'll kill ya!
Cell Guard whispers something into Executioners Ear.
Executioner: Oh!
Man: Why are you suprised! Ah! I'm so scared!
Executioner: Don't worry! Wonce your done with the little prick you won't remember anything! Actually you'll never have the burdon of remembering anything ever again!
Man: Alright then!
Executioner: Good for you!

Presenter:
The creator of this sketch would like you to know that the lethal injection Is a very serious thing. And so is the threat of little purple dogs eating you. They could strike at any time, kill in an instant. they just don't. (What horrors lurk arround every corner, what dark forbodding things crouch in the darkness in the labrotory of... THE SCIENTIST WHO INJECT PEANUTS WITH CHOLESTERAL!)
[cut to man injecting a peanut.]
Scientist: Rub, rub here, rub rub there and a couple of scrub-dee dubs, that’s how we work the day
away in the Merry old factory! Oh! Hello! The reason I inject peanuts with cholesteral is because Bar tenders serve them with beer and beer is loaded with cholesteral. You See, I recon If people think there getting to much cholesteral from the peanuts, they won’t drink the beer, or they just won’t eat the peanuts. It’s a quite a silly plan, you see, I haven’t got a brain. (sniffle, sniffle) I don’t really care about the people if they eat the peanuts and drink the beer, I’m just to afraid to tell you. You see, I haven’t got a heart or any courage (sniffle,sniffle). I guess the point I’m trying to make, is I hate PEANUTS AND I CAN’T FEEL COMPASSION! In the merry old factory.

Smurf: Silly plan my very old silly hat!
(Smurf eats the scientist.)

Prestenter: And now, the deepest thoughts ever formed, created, or daydreamed, ever.

(flash to ghandi, sitting in lotus position.)

Ghandi:
>Why are adults so close-minded about Gothic childhood when they have seen the "skin-heads" of the eighties create technology leaps and bounds ahead of them, and start the most productive era in the history of mankind?
>Why do people bother having relationships when they know that deep down both parties are just in it for the sex?
>Who came up with the idea of getting milk from cows?
>Why is the social ladder just a series of complex games
and mean tricks to exclude people who are sensible?
>Just why the fuck does everyone think that they are so godamned important?
>Why is there violence, and no matter how hard I try, I have a deep urge to strangle some-one's throat?
>What are the odds of actually finding a true love out of three billion of the opposite gender?
>If the last question is true, aren't people who stay virgin until they are married to a true love just defying the scientic meaning of liufe, to reproduce?
>Why the hell does everyone call me eccesively cynical?
>Why is everyone stupid?
>Don't people realize that violence is dumb?
>Why is rage an emotion?
>Did you know that with the money spent on the millenium dome, we could have saved 1/4 of the Amazon rainforest?
>Why does everyone think that they are the overlord master of the planet?
>Why won't anyone realize that I am the overlord master of the universe?
>Why is it a human instinct to bitch and moan cus' everything isn't perfect?
>Why do bunnies have fluffy tails?
>Why doesn't anyone pray to me?
>What's with the fucking attitude, pal?!
>Why are you standing here and laughing at these jokes, when you know that they're true and I'm making fun of you?
>Why DID the chicken cross the road?
>Is the joke about the chicken crossing the road a joke about the human psyche in blind following?
>Is it a joke that humans think they're bigshots now that they've found out that our planet is one of 5 triskadecillion in our galaxy?
>If you crossed a shi-tzu with a bulldog, would that be animal abuse?
>Why do people like chihuahuas?
>Why do think I'm funny, when I'm just cynical?
>Why do people make fun of ugly people? We're the MAJORITY, asswhipe!!
>Is everyone out to get me?
>Why do adults treat children like bugs?
>If my parents say no one more time, I'm gonna put them in different nursing homes.
>I know people can get through life with good looks, but can they get through life on bitterness?
>Wouldn't I have more life experience if I was thrown in a tornado, instead of thrown into school?
>Wouldn't everyone be more happy if we spent our time frolicking naked in a big field?
>Why does everyone pick on me?
>If I get any power, I'll solve the problem by picking on them.
>Wouldn't it be a better tongue twister if the woodchuck didn't CHUCK wood?
>Why can't anyone be happy except for me?
>Am I happy?
>NArfenfjord.
>I think I'll kill you.
>Why am I the only sensible one?
>How come no-one thinks I'm sensible
>Bunnies
>Why?
>Why do attractive people get more attention?
>Why don't nice people realize that being mean is the only way that you'll ever make assholes cry?
>Was my last ponder just saying that being mean is that only way to be mean?
>Mean people suck.
>I'm mean.
>Why am I obsessed with the word "MeaN"
>Mean, mean meanitty, meanster.
>I think I've lost my artistic talent of ponder.
>Am I just writing into a box?
>In 200 years, when the internet still exists, these writing and a gravestone will be all that's left of me.
>I'm going to go cry. I'm having P.M.S
>Why?
>When life gives you lemons, wing it back, and put some of your own in there.
>Why do people call me cynical?
>Don't answer that.
>I said shut up you!!
>Why doesn't anyone ever tell me when I'm a dick?
>Quiet you!!
>Stop being mean, or I'll retaliate.
>Oh "I'm depressing you?"?!
>Galaben.

Presenter: O.K, that’s quite enough, Ghandi.

Ghandi: 1.Until 50 years ago, the punishment for bullying on a smaller student in school, was a caning from your teacher.

2.If a teacher asks u a question when you're in trouble, if u answer you're in more trouble.

3.The government insists that taxes are completely essential, yet they continue spending billions of dollars on military weaponry during a peace time, even though right now they could blow up the world.

4.People have decided that instead of facing their emotional and physical problems, they take pfizer, and tiactin (this one courtesy of american commercials)
5.everyone takes diet pills, when their either slim, or could easily, naturally work it off, then riot GM foods for being unnatural.

6.People who riot the ozone, tend to have good hair. (consult you're local library about C.F.C's if u didn't get that)
>i think I've lost my skill for pondering.
>why does the wiener dog (dachsund) still exist?
>I think I'll throw some wiener dogs at someone.
>if u jumped off a building, wouldn't it be a bangin' ride till u hit the bottom?
>If u were an alien, wouldn't the human nose look like a tumor on some disguisting furless creature?
>Was the dachsund a joke?
>are humans a joke?

(Guy comes out of high and wakes up in a frat house)

Guy: Dude, don’t give that crap to anyone else.

Guy 2:Why, man?

Guy:That stuff is weird, man. It’s got a messed trip.

Guy 2: Kay.

Guy: gimme some more.

Guy 2: kay

(flashes back to hamster)
Hamster: I…………quit.

(flashes to scene)
News reporter: There is something evil lurking this town, something that has tentacles that can make someone suffocate in two seconds, something that has jaws that can crush steel, tipped with mandibles that can pierce a stone wall. This creatures name…bob. Our story begins with a one “Johnny Fitzgerald” and his father, “Donny Fitzgerald”. You see, bob attacks only a certain kind of prey………PEOPLE WITH STUPID NAMES!!! (don don doooooon.)
(flash to boy on boat)
Boy: gee, dad. This sure is a great fishing trip…OOH, I caught something!!!oh, it’s only a stupid squid!
Dad: That’s o.k, Johnny.
Boy: I guess so, donny
(zooms on squids angry face)
(squid kills boy and dad)
(shows god watching t.v showing Johnny and donny fighting for their lives.)
God: Go, Johnny, go donny…oops, their heads fell off. Goshdarnit.
Damn, this is the funniest thing I’ve ever made. Look at these poor, demented, aggressive, hairless, ugly creatures. I didn’t know that one species could destroy a perfectly good planet. Oh, well. It’s a good comic relief for my stress of handling more productive species. If one word from my mouth ever reached those stupid…things, they’de probably fire me. It would be like giving a gun to…bob saget.
(god looks at hidden camera)
God: Oh, shit.
(huge hand of fire drags god through the floor)
(Cut’s to scene)
(big fat, claymation guy walks aroung hilly landscape)
claymation guy:grumble…grumble…grumble, grumble.
(his eyes widen)
claymation guy:MORRRP!!!!
(shopping cart falls on guy.)
(little dizzy skinny claymation guy circles on to stage.)
little guy:EEERRM…
(falls over.)
(flashes to school psychiatrist with little boy on couch)
psychiatrist: :mm-hmm, uh-huh, okay, what’s your name, litlle joseph?
Boy: My name is bob.
Psychiatrist: mm-hmm, okay, now we’re finally getting somewhere, Johnny, mm-hmm, yup, okay…
(silence)
Psychiatrist: OH, FOR GOD’S SAKE, LITTLE TIMMY, MM-HMM, CAN YOU PLEASE REPEAT THE QUESTION!???!
Boy: Sir, umm…I didn’t do anything. My brother’s the one that threw the dead lizard at Ms. Tandamig. The form’s under his name, sir.
Psychiatrist: mm-hmm, that’s fine, yup, now how long have you known this “brother”?
Boy: You are the dumbest piece of elephant dung I’ve ever known, Mr. Paowanski!
Psychiatrist: That is inappropriate!!! Come back when you can express yourself…in ways that don’t show any negative emotion!!
Man: I would like to express how sorry our writer is for not being able to make perfectly good material funny. We’d like to express our deepest apologies specifically to the following majority groups: dumbasses, morons, ne’er do wells, and psychiatrists. We would also like to thank the following people for making all these dreams come true. Pepe the fantastic Mexican squirrel, magnifico the gigolo, anyone named mohinininin, and the hamster, you recently put a gun down his throat.
Presnter: and now for somthing compleatly diffrent, a liitle about my self. My name is john smith, people call me john smith, but u can call me, john smith. my mother calls me john. i also live with her, and i have never been outside of my house, accpet on sundays when she locks me in a no windowed van to take me to church. in fact, this studio is an addtion to my house. the only book i've ever read is the bible. some people ask me what my farorite food is, well its white bread and water for dipping.this is the first time i have ever looked out a window. Look! its a blue car! a blue car! oh my god, who ever inveded that must be making as much as the guy who invented the yellow chair!. i am going to quit my job to become a blue car salesman. now i will run away (tries to get up but stumbles) oh damn (an apple falls on his head) mother u don't have to censor me like that (a steel ball with spikes on it lands on his head, blood spurts from the wound.) ahh i need medical attention, ai'm cahined to the floor! ahhhhhhh (7 nives fall on his head, more blood comes out)and now for something compleatly diffrent, a man with 7 nives and a steel ball with spikes on it on his head. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH, ahhhhhhhhhhhh, oh shoot (n axe cuts off his arm) mothr stop that can't you see i'm dying !!!! AAAHHHH ahhhahahhahahhhhhhhh! and taht i a little about me ahhhhh ahahah ahhhh
(flashes to scene)
man: i have 2.3 billion tackers in my bank account, i'm rich!
man1: so do i!
man2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9: so do i!
man: oh

goes to incridbly lavish room with one mans picture on everthing, zooms to that mans face

Commie leader: so, from the paper, The Rich, Smart, and Cultural Comunist Amazing News With No News From Those Sticking Wealsels In The West, it seems that now that the atcker is at its all time high! 1.3 billion= 1/2 £
All the generals clap

one general stands up and says, well, what if we gave the public just a little bit of a say to what goes on in here?
Commie leader pushes red button and general falls into the abys.
Commie leader: bastard
(flashes to dead hamster.)
hamster: :mamamamamamamamamamamama
(flashes to bob saget)
Bob saget: mamamamamamamamamamamama
(flashes to new presenter)
Presenter: and that is how bob saget resmbles a hamster,
(smurf comes up)
smurf: right that’s it.
(smurf eats bob saget.)
(smurf is pelted by potatoes via south Dakotan Saudi Arabian mafia.)
(flashes to ancient Pekingese with cane.)
Peke: In my day, we didn’t have none of them fancy “cars”. Why, I walked ten miles to school every day, barefoot, butt-naked, in the sbow, carryin’ my…
Pack of chewing gum hits Pekingese over the head.
(flashes to ghandi)
(ghandi is struggling, with tape over his mouth)
doctor injects him, takes duct tape off his mouth.
Gandhi:what was that elderly maguay carrying to school every day? I leave u with that thought
(gandhi passes out)
(flashes to next scene)
(little scared boy in bed, his father just finished reading him his bedtime story.)
Boy: Daddy, could you check under my bed?
Father: well, son. What do you think I’ll find?
Boy: boogeymen, and lions, and Barbara striesand…
Father: son, none of those things exist. Who told you that?
Boy: The kids at school.
Father: (chuckles) well, son. You don’t have too be scared those of those horrible, wretched things.
(father closes door)
(son is alone in room)
Barbara striesand (from under bed): doe re mi fa so la ti do!
Boy: GOD NO!!!!!
Presenter: and now for something completely different…
A monkey with hemmeroids.
(flashes to monkey)
Monkey: Ah!! Ah!! Ah!!
(monkey walks around and sits down)
AAAHHH!!!!
(monkey runs around holding it’s ass)
(man walks up.)
man: haha! This monkey has hemmeroids.
(screen saying censored appears; sounds remain.)
Sounds: hee hee! Bob, what if we spanked it? I dunno, let’s try. AAHH! AAH!! AAAAHHH!!!! Oh, god, it’s eating my face!!!!! GOD help me!!!
(screen reappers with monkey but nothing else.)
Presenter: O………K.
And now, a man doing badly with stocks.
(Flashes to man.)
Man: Buy twenty million shares of Barbara striesand’s producer’s company!!!
Butler:…Done. Sir, why the hell did you buy Barbara striesand?!?
Man: I did??!!
Butler:…and you’re broke. Bye-bye, sir.
Man: oh, shit.
(man sticks gun down his throat)
Presenter: and now, bob saget.
Bob saget: have you ever seen those…sandwiches? Their really something. I mean, cheese, bread…CAN YOU DECIDE!!!??? GODDAMMIT??!!! CAN YOU!?!
(flashes back)
Presenter: it seems that that was not in fact bob saget, but merely an idiot telling jokes…he was picked off the street. He was so much like bob saget.
(arm holding gun comes out of side of screen blows ten holes through the presenters head.)
(smurf walks out)
Smurf: I couldn’t take it!! He liked bob saget! That was sillier than my silly old house. SILLIER!!!!
Smurf: I will be presenting this show from now on. Is that clear? And no silliness!! Here is our next presentation of a wholesome situation, with no silliness.
(flashes to street corner)
(two men walk past eachother.)
first man: what’s your name?
Bob: Bob. And yours?
Willy: Willy.
(both men are silent for a moment)
Willy: you wanna make somethin’ of it?
Bob: what?
Willy: Right, that’s it.
Bob: Please sir, nothing has happened. You can’t bloody well start a fight about nothing.
(Willy punches bob in the face)
Bob: Right, making something…of it!
Willy: Choose your weapon.
Bob: Bazooka!
Willy: Sausage!!!
Bob: what?
Willy: I said… “Sausage!”
Bob: Right. GO!!!
(willy hits bob with sausage repeatedly)
Bob: BASTARD!!!
(Bob blows off willy’s head.)
Bob: Damn Mexicans.
(and bob walks off.)
(flashes back to report room.)
(lemmings kills smurf.)
Lemming: And the result of locking three geniuses together for a week with only a woodchuck to survive soas to ponder why canned tomatoes go rotten is…
(flashes to scientist)
Scientist: they are starchy. And we are underfunded.
Smurf: k. and now, a confused man.
(flashes to two men on balcony on sky scraper in n.y.c)
Jim: So, what do ya think bout that stock market?
Bob: You mean the thing with “Gumbi”?
Jim: Dammit, bob, no, I don’t mean the thing about “Gumbi”. Why do u always think things are about “Gumbi”?!
Bob: I dunno, I guess it just seems that way to me.
Jim: Dammit, Bob!
(Jim takes bread loaf off table and throws it at bob. Bob tips off chair and falls off skyscraper.)
Richard Nixon: Yes, I see…
Gumbi: Hi, I’ll be your new presenter. I love everything!! And now our next skit.
(as scene closes in a hardcore voice comes in.)
voice: YYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! THIS OBTUSE MOMENT WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE OBTUSE CORPORATIION OF JAPAN!!! GO OBTUSE CORP.!!!
(a rich lord with a tophat and monocle is sitting next to post-it.)
lord: yes, yes. Jolly good. And what are your feelings on the iran-contra scandal.
(post-it sits there.)
lord: yes, I see, mm-hmm, quite good, quite good.
(man sips from a tea cup with an African warthog in it.)
lord (looking at screen): oh, I see.
Gumbi: I loved that skit. You know what else I love? Lamp-posts!
(cuts to flower typing on a computer.)
flower: grass is greener on the other side, eh?? What about flowers from the first side?!!? Did anyone think about them?!??! Huh??!!!? I’ll show them.
(flower clicks enter key.)
(cuts to pentagon.)
official: we can’t stop it!! There’s a nuclear warhead headed for…a grassy hill in Nebraska!
(pike fish lands on man’s head.)
Man: Son I think I have to tell you about the birds and the bees?
Boy: You mean, about sex?
Man: No, about hummingbird food and anti-stinging cream.
Boy: oh. Dad could you tell me about...
Voice: What is the boy going to say? Is there such a thing as humming bird food? And...
Presenter: I’d thank you not to interupt any more.

Man: Hello. The next pictures we will show you are very scary and may make you feel guilty, but if all you feel is guilt then you might be weird.

(show picture of a fat man)

Voice: It may be hard to believe but all this man has had to eat for the last ten year is Ice cream.

(show piture of a medium build man kissing a beutiful woman.)

Voice: This man has been deprived of television his whole life.

(show a picture of an old dieing man.)

Voice: This person has led a full and happy life and has no right to be in this video.

(show a picture of a totally normal man.)

Voice: This man has never had a marchmallow.
You can help these people and other by sending in just £50 an month. for twelve month a year, for the rest of your life. Thank you for helping.

(cut to scene)

Man: Hello. I found that last skit affensive to people who make those annoying commercials. Although I’m not...
Voice: What is the man Not? Was that skit affensive? And, If so to who....
Presenter: STOP IT!


(The following skit was formed by an idea that was originally Alex's but I used it.)

(flashes to ancient man with cane.)
man: In my day, we didn’t have none of them fancy “cars”. Why, I walked ten miles to school every day, barefoot, butt-naked, in the snow, carryin’ my…
Voice: What was the old man carrying to school? What is the meaning of life? And most importantly...
Presenter: that’s it.
(Presenter pulls out a gun and shoot it off into somewhere of screen.)
Voice: AHHHHHHHH! ARRGGH! OH MY GOD! I’M... DYING! NO! AHHH...

Presenter: And now a man reading a book about the life of Little Willy Shakespear.

Man: Hello, I am Little Willy Shakespear. I am not William Shakespear, nor I have a small penis. My penis is actually... well, non-existent. I have no armpit hair nor have I gone through puberty. PITY me! PITY ME!

Presenter: And those were te words of Little Willy Shakespear, Who doesn’t have a small penis.

(cut to skit)

Man: TODAY ON SALE WE HAVE PEACOCK AND MEATBALLS! GET YOUR PEACOCK! GET YOUR MEATBALLS!

(man runs up to him)

Man2: Can I please have some cock and balls.
Man: Sure. You do need them.
Man2: I do so love me cock and balls.
Man: So do I sir. I play with them every day.
Man2: You play with the meat products you sell?
Man: WE TALKING ABOUT MEAT?
(other man punches store salesman in nose.)

(cut to scene of man with Obsesive Compolsive Disorder [not being “ism”{oridinally sticks}] )

Man:Whenever I eneter a room I have to flip the lightswitch on and off twenty seven time exactly or George Clooney will Die.
(Man enters a room and forgets to flip the lightswitch. Quickly looks at the switch.)
Man: NO!!!!!!!!!!!
(Somewhere, George Clooney is walking around all of a sudden he dies.)

(cut to scene)

(Presenter: And now fat people with super natural powers.)

Super fat guy: Oh no! I hear that somewhere a hotdog is burning! MY GOD! Horrors!

(All of a sudden he’s in a kitchen)

Super fat guy: Your about to burn your dog!
man: OH MY GOD PUFFY!
Super fat guy: your HOT dog.
Man: EEWWWW! WEIRD ANIMAL FETISHES!!! YOUR A SICK MAN! FIRST YOU SET PUFFY ON FIRE! THEN YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM, NOT TO MENTION YOUR MORBIDLY OBESE!
Super fat guy: But I have super powers!
Man: WHAT!?!?! Jiggle around like a bucket of jello? J-E-L-L-O! What you have for lunch, a sheep? No wait it must have been a cow, no a dionosaur! YOU OBESE CRISCO TUB!
Super Fat Guy: I’m... Just.... CHUBBY!!!!!
Man: CHUBBY! Your about two hundred pounds over chubby. Your so far over the line you cant see it! No wait, you must be standing over it if you can’t see it!

(In the pentagon)

Guy: Sir, we have an earthquake over in Palm Springs.
General: Oh well. We better nuke the bastards!
Guy: You really want to nuke florida?!?!?!?
General: Whats the loss of three thousand old age pensioners! There going to die anyway! I was already planning on nuking the bastards! Damn old people! With there stupid little electric cart things and there bloody retirement homes and there stupid processed food! Can’t they chew a proper steak? Damn senile old denture wearing freaks. Anyway my mother in law lives there.

(cut to presenter)

presenter: It’s the teletubbies!

(cuts to scene)

Dipsy:……..
LaLa:……..

(all the teletubbies do nothing for a while and then start dancing and humming.)

(cuts to little kids watching t.v.)

Kids in unison: yay!!!!
Kid1: when I grow up, I wanna dance around and hum like a moron as well!
Kid2: yes, and take cocaine, just like them!
Kids in unison: yay!

(cuts to presenter)

(presenter is singing teletubbies anthem and then sees the camera.

Presenter: oh! Hello. And now, for some truths on life.

(cuts to little marmoset.)

marmoset: 1. Nobody likes their life. They’re pretending they do.
2. Nobody ever lost weight on a home exercise equipment piece.
3. When airline waitresses are curteous, it does not mean that they want to have sex with you. It’s their job.
4. NO product can make anyone more sexually attractive, short of the scalpel, the bikini, and body wax.
5. Most people are stupid. In fact, it’s quite likely that you are stupid.

(mob of stupid people start beating the marmoset.)

(cuts to presenter.)

presenter: And now for something completely different.

person 1:hello
person 2:ummm, hi...
person 1:so what you doing?
person 2: I SWEAR, WE DID NOTHING INVOLVING HANDCUFFS, CHOCLATE BODY PAINT, OR BANASTERS!!!
person 1:what?
person 2:GET OFF MY BACK!!!
1:i did-
2:SHUT UP!
1:sorry
2:FOR WHAT?
1: be-
2: I HAD NO IDEA SHE WAS MARRIED, JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!
1:ok

1 walks home, sceen inside his house

1:hi hunny!
wife:ummm, hi...er hunney
1:i met the wierdest guy today
2:I SWEAR, I DID NOTHING INVOLVING HANDCUFFS, CHOCLATE BODY PAINT, OR BANASTERS TODAY!!!

Presenter: And he’s still mad at me for it…and now, a badger.

Badger: Hello, I am a badger, much like other Badgers in that I am a Badger (thinks), but unlike other badgers In my special power. That’s right, I can eat minced meat very quickly.

(cuts to scene: Japanese rice field)
Badger: Hello, Sensai. I have come to learn the art of shingtoa.
(bbbbbuuuuuummmmmm)
Sensai: Very well. Prepare for training and meet me tomorrow.
(Badger pulls out bowl of minced meat and eats it very quickly)
Sensai: Hooo!
Japanese people in Tokyo: Godhilla!
(cuts to man in rocking chair)
man: It lost a lot in the translation.
(man pulls out bowl of minced meat and eats it very quickly)

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