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Date Posted: 00:22:36 10/15/00 Sun
Author: Stu
Subject: Stu's skits, from episode 3 of "Out of Line"

Man: Son I think I have to tell you about the birds and the bees?
Boy: You mean, about sex?
Man: No, about hummingbird food and anti-stinging cream.
Boy: oh. Dad could you tell me about...
Voice: What is the boy going to say? Is there such a thing as humming bird food? And...
Presenter: I’d thank you not to interupt any more.

Man: Hello. The next pictures we will show you are very scary and may make you feel guilty, but if all you feel is guilt then you might be weird.

(show picture of a fat man)

Voice: It may be hard to believe but all this man has had to eat for the last ten year is Ice cream.

(show piture of a medium build man kissing a beutiful woman.)

Voice: This man has been deprived of television his whole life.

(show a picture of an old dieing man.)

Voice: This person has led a full and happy life and has no right to be in this video.

(show a picture of a totally normal man.)

Voice: This man has never had a marchmallow.
You can help these people and other by sending in just £50 an month. for twelve month a year, for the rest of your life. Thank you for helping.

(cut to scene)

Man: Hello. I found that last skit affensive to people who make those annoying commercials. Although I’m not...
Voice: What is the man Not? Was that skit affensive? And, If so to who....
Presenter: STOP IT!


(The following skit was formed by an idea that was originally Alex's but I used it.)

(flashes to ancient man with cane.)
man: In my day, we didn’t have none of them fancy “cars”. Why, I walked ten miles to school every day, barefoot, butt-naked, in the snow, carryin’ my…
Voice: What was the old man carrying to school? What is the meaning of life? And most importantly...
Presenter: that’s it.
(Presenter pulls out a gun and shoot it off into somewhere of screen.)
Voice: AHHHHHHHH! ARRGGH! OH MY GOD! I’M... DYING! NO! AHHH...

Presenter: And now a man reading a book about the life of Little Willy Shakespear.

Man: Hello, I am Little Willy Shakespear. I am not William Shakespear, nor I have a small penis. My penis is actually... well, non-existent. I have no armpit hair nor have I gone through puberty. PITY me! PITY ME!

Presenter: And those were te words of Little Willy Shakespear, Who doesn’t have a small penis.

(cut to skit)

Man: TODAY ON SALE WE HAVE PEACOCK AND MEATBALLS! GET YOUR PEACOCK! GET YOUR MEATBALLS!

(man runs up to him)

Man2: Can I please have some cock and balls.
Man: Sure. You do need them.
Man2: I do so love me cock and balls.
Man: So do I sir. I play with them every day.
Man2: You play with the meat products you sell?
Man: WE TALKING ABOUT MEAT?
(other man punches store salesman in nose.)

(cut to scene of man with Obsesive Compolsive Disorder [not being “ism”{oridinally sticks}] )

Man:Whenever I eneter a room I have to flip the lightswitch on and off twenty seven time exactly or George Clooney will Die.
(Man enters a room and forgets to flip the lightswitch. Quickly looks at the switch.)
Man: NO!!!!!!!!!!!
(Somewhere, George Clooney is walking around all of a sudden he dies.)

(cut to scene)

(Presenter: And now fat people with super natural powers.)

Super fat guy: Oh no! I hear that somewhere a hotdog is burning! MY GOD! Horrors!

(All of a sudden he’s in a kitchen)

Super fat guy: Your about to burn your dog!
man: OH MY GOD PUFFY!
Super fat guy: your HOT dog.
Man: EEWWWW! WEIRD ANIMAL FETISHES!!! YOUR A SICK MAN! FIRST YOU SET PUFFY ON FIRE! THEN YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM, NOT TO MENTION YOUR MORBIDLY OBESE!
Super fat guy: But I have super powers!
Man: WHAT!?!?! Jiggle around like a bucket of jello? J-E-L-L-O! What you have for lunch, a sheep? No wait it must have been a cow, no a dionosaur! YOU OBESE CRISCO TUB!
Super Fat Gu: I’m... Just.... CHUBBY!!!!!
Man: CHUBBY! Your about two hundred pounds over chubby. Your so far over the line you cant see it! No wait, you must be standing over it if you can’t see it!

(In the pentagon)

Guy: Sir, we have an earthquake over in Palm Springs.
General: Oh well. We better nuke the bastards!
Guy: You really want to nuke florida?!?!?!?
General: Whats the loss of three thousand old age pensioners! There going to die anyway! I was already planning on nuking the bastards! Damn old people! With there stupid little electric cart things and there bloody retirement homes and there stupid processed food! Can’t they chew a proper steak? Damn senile old denture wearing freaks. Anyway my mother in law lives there.

(cut to presenter)

Presenter: Thank you for coming. Goodnight. And now...

(Fade to black)

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