| Subject: WTTS2 - 76 |
Author:
KT
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Date Posted: 21:44:42 01/11/02 Fri
In reply to:
KT
's message, "Window to the Soul 2" on 20:43:26 01/11/02 Fri
Window to the Soul 2 - Part 76
By KT
Copyright September 10, 2000
Sabine looked in on Roberta after Michael and Jamie left. She was extremely distraught over Michael's awkward exit, and was worried about Nikita. Roberta was equally upset.
"Sabine, you must have noticed Nikita's behavior at dinner. She looked to me like she was standing on the edge of a cliff ready to jump off." A shade of worry evidenced itself in her expression.
Sabine nodded as she arranged the covers over Roberta. She sat down in the rocker. "Nikita wasn't the only one who looked ready to jump." Her eyes spoke concern. "Michael, I believe, is in dire straits. I gathered that she asked him to leave and that was perhaps the opposite of his intention and his desire.... He looked positively crushed."
Roberta's gaze turned wistful. "He loves her so much. And I've come to love him. Almost as if he were my own son. He promised me he would read at my funeral. I'm holding him to it."
"He affirmed that to me." Sabine related the conversation she'd had with Michael about his promises. She cast a sidelong glance at Roberta. "And, he indicated that he had made more than one promise."
Roberta fixed her eyes intently on Sabine's. Her voice was small and calm. "Yes. He also promised that he would take care of Nikita after I die... 'Always', he said... Always, Sabine! That means a serious commitment. Over time. Do you think he will?"
Sabine chose her words carefully. "Well, I believe that Michael is the kind of man who does not make commitments quickly, nor takes them lightly. He has a kind of personal code of honor... and he is incredibly strong."
Roberta nodded. "He would have to be to handle my daughter." She recalled her life before she'd quit drinking. "I was no tame wallflower myself, you know. Downright wild, in fact. I know she gets that from both me and her father. Michael will have his hands full."
"He already does."
Sabine mused for a moment. Michael was strong, and patient, but not unbreakable. She had seen his heart in his eyes too many times now not to know what deep feelings he was capable of. She wished she had been able to speak to him earlier, but his wounded silence had warned her off. Perhaps tomorrow...
Sabine rose. "I think I'll go see how our girl is doing. Good night." She turned out the light and walked quietly to Nikita's room. The light was on, and she peered around the door. Nikita lay unmoving, breathing lightly and regularly. Sabine believed her to be asleep. She stepped to the bed and looked down. Nikita's face was tracked with dried tears, and her eyes were a little puffed. Sabine reached out and brushed her hand over Nikita's cheek in a gesture any mother would have made toward a sleeping child. "Mon enfant..."
Nikita's eyes fluttered open. She looked up at Sabine, then turned her face away as she remembered sending Michael away and crying herself to sleep. She wasn't ready to talk. She closed her eyes as she recalled her angry words and Michael's cold rebuttal. Sabine's gentle touch was almost more than she deserved.
Sabine sat on the edge of the bed, but Nikita didn't speak.
"What is it, Nikita? Can't you tell me?"
Nikita turned and looked at Sabine. "Do you really want to know?"
Sabine waited, then nodded.
"Michael wants me to go back to work. Sabine, how can I, when I only feel like half a person? This handicap... it's not only restrictive... it's... oh, I don't think I can face them... the orchestra, I mean."
Sabine wasn't buying. Her voice became stern. "Nikita. Do you know how many people on this earth must live with far less than what you have enjoyed your whole life?"
"Michael said as much." Nikita was at the edge of her emotions. "He said that I am still who I am."
"And he is right."
"But it doesn't help!"
"Nikita! All this will pass. You must use all the strength you have. You will need courage to deal with your colleagues, and you must believe that the music is more important than your situation. More important than anything."
"I do believe that."
Sabine decided to play her trump card. "Then you must let people help you." She continued with quiet certainty. "You must let Michael help you."
Nikita felt her whole body contract as Sabine's words hit upon the heart of her dilemma. Reality washed over her like a tidal wave.
"All my life I've had to be strong for myself. I've pushed myself through every bad thing that has happened to me. I did whatever it took. Self preservation at any cost." Nikita's eyes were intent upon Sabine's, her voice tinged with bitterness. "Survival. My field of expertise."
Sabine had no knowledge of Nikita's childhood, but she knew that there was something in her that was interfering with her coming to terms with this situation. What ever it was, it was even more powerful than her relationship with Michael, more powerful than her relationship with Roberta. Her eyes remained riveted to Nikita's.
"No, mon enfant. Music. Your field of expertise. Your gift. Given to you for you to give to others."
Nikita was suddenly quiet. She had lost her focus, become overwhelmed by those all-too-familiar feelings of terror and humiliation. The sleeping dragon that Michael's love had helped tame, lying in wait for just such an opportunity to undermine all the painstaking steps taken away from the darkness of the past, had been roused from its den. Sabine's sage words gradually transformed resentment into humility.
Nikita closed her eyes. "I sent him away, Sabine."
"I know. He was crushed. You have power over him. Be careful how you use it."
"I needed to detach. It was all closing in on me. I felt trapped. Like I couldn't breathe."
"You took it out on him."
"Yes."
"I think you owe him an apology."
Nikita said nothing. Sabine was right. But how to...
"Can you sleep now?"
"I think so... Umm, Sabine?"
"Yes?"
"Thank you."
"You are welcome. Good night, Nikita."
"Good night, Sabine."
* * * * * * * *
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