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Subject: Religions of the World

Author:
S

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Date Posted: 09:24:12 12/28/01 Fri

Religions of the World

Taoism Shit happens. Confucianism Confucius says: "Shit happens."
Buddhism If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
Zen What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism That shit happened before.
Islam If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Protestantism Let shit happen to somene else.
Catholicism If shit happens, you deserve it.
Born Again Same old shit, new cover.
Mormon If shit happens, it is eternal.
Judaism Why does this shit always happen to us?
Polytheism Who did this shit?
Monotheism I've narrowed this shit down to one.
Satanism We make shit fly.
Agnosticism What is this shit?
Atheism I don't believe this shit.
Rastafarianism Let's smoke this shit.

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Replies:

[> Subject: Don't Forget The Amish

Author:
WN
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Date Posted: 09:36:52 12/28/01 Fri

Top Ten Things The Amish Like To Do On Spring Break

10. Drink molasses 'til you heave.

9. Wet-bonnet contest.

8. Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy.

7. Buttermilk kegger.

6. Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really bitchin' Clydesdale.

5. Get a "Born to Raise Barns" tattoo.

4. Cruise the streets of Fort Lauderdale shouting insults at people with zippers.

3. Sleep in until six A.M.

2. Drive over to Mennonite country and kick some ass.

1. Churning butter naked.

[> [> Subject: Signs your Amish teen is in trouble

Author:
S
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Date Posted: 09:42:03 12/28/01 Fri

Sometimes stays in bed til after 6am.

In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.

When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou suck!"

His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."

You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.

Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."

Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."

He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

Police catch him doing 20 mph in a buggy with flames painted on the side.

Lately, appears groggy and sluggish while feeding the cows.

At school, he flunked "Scorning Electricity."

He's spending a lot of time alone in the bathroom with a butter churn.

Suddenly, he's talking about getting his own barn.

The music he's not listening to now is louder than the music he used to not listen to.

When singing psalms, he sometimes inserts the phrase "Oh baby."

His favorite Kelly McGillis movie is not "Witness."

[> [> Subject: Israeli Personals

Author:
S
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Date Posted: 09:52:27 12/28/01 Fri

Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, T'sha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane. POB 90.

Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman. POB 43.

Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK. POB 64

Shul gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write. POB 81

Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house. POB 46

Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shule with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not Important. PB 658

Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. POB 74.

Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality. POB 78.

Are you the girl I spoke with at the kiddush after shul last week? You excused yourself to get more horseradish for your gefilte fish, but you never returned. How can I contact you again? (I was the one with the cholent stain on my tie). POB 766.

Shochet, 54, owns successful butcher shop in Midwest. Doesn't believe women should be treated like a piece of meat. Seeks glatt kosher maydl for marriage. POB 99.

Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please. POB 56.

Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it. POB 435.

Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker. POB 787.

Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good. POB 555.

Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows? POB 43.

80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I? POB 545.

I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please. POB 86.

Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp. POB 76.

I was reform as an embryo, conservative as a fetus, orthodox from birth. Seeking same. POB 46.

Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can get get. Get it? I'll show you mine, if you show me yours. POB 72

Very pretty, slim, lulav would like to meet fragrant, squeezable esrog. Let's do hoshanas together. Pitum a must.