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Date Posted: 19:39:32 02/13/02 Wed
Author: the TunaFishDiscrepancy
Subject: rolling stone (this is not poetry)

So, yeah, in case you haven't already heard, the TFD was recently elected to be the cover story of next month's issue of Rolling Stone. Unfuckingbelievable, right? Well, it's true. We did the interviews, and they followed me around for a while. See, they were going to document TFD's life on the road. Unfortunately, we weren't on tour. We didn't have any shows at all, as a matter of fact. So instead, I brought them back to my house, introduced them to my parents (I still live at home), showed them my room, fridge, my collection of used proflactics (coming from only the greatest of the greats: Jimmy Page, Lars Ulrich, Trent Reznor...the list goes on...and don't ask how I got them!), the usual.

So after sex and tea biscuits, they had me do the photo shoot. I was rather taken back, seeing as though I had no appropriot attire for such an occasion. So I decided not to wear anything. I figured, what the hell, I let my girlfriend see me naked, why not thousands of subscribers across the country too, right? So they took the pics (which I've generously donated to the site for your viewing pleasure), we kissed goodbye, and called it a night.

So there was no doubt that I was pretty cheery for the next week or so. I mean, really. Rolling fucking Stone. Incredible! But it was at the peak of my excitement that I got a phone call from the editor in chief, Cheesedick something-or-other, I don't remember his name. He said he was pulling the story because he thought the content of the article was far too offensive for anyone to pay even the slightest attention to. He claimed he was feeling nausia, anxiousness, and severe bowel pains just thinking about it. So I told him, "You're an editor! Do your fucking job! Edit! Edit like a monkey, you fucking cunt-nazi!" He told me he and his crew had slaved over it for the past week weeding out the appropriot subject matter, but try as they might, the best they could do is a fifteen word article. Fifteen words, can you believe it?! I asked him what was so horrible about it, but he just puked, and hung up on me. Dick.

Now, had I not been pissed drunk during the interview, I would have told you basically what you would have found next to the picture of me and my giant Johnson in Rolling Stone magazine, but I really don't remember much of anything anyway these days.

So if you're wondering why next month's issue sucks so bad, it's because of me. Or lack of me, in this particular instance. So I apologize to all the fans who were looking forward to subjecting themselves to mind altering bullshit, soaking up my each and every word to find out what music I'm listening to (so they can listen to it), what books I'm reading (so they can read them), what movies I'm watching (so they can watch them), and what time of day I usually masturbate (so they can tell all their friends they were masturbating at approximately the same time as me).

Peace, love, and all that hippie bullshit.
~TFD

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