The Gospel -- WASHINGTON BOARD

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Date Posted: 22:38:07 03/01/09 Sun
Author: Grumpy
Author Host/IP: 67-61-232-104.cpe.cableone.net / 67.61.232.104
Subject: The Gospel

THE GOSPEL
ACCORDING TO ST. MALADVENTURE
The Book of Initiation
The Void
1:1 In the beginning all was formless and void. Then lo! a spark struck forth a surge, and a mighty rush of energy came into being and created space and time.
1:2 And it was exceedingly hot and dense. Yet, as time passed, the energy moved (forward? outward?), cooled and coalesced into primordial bits of matter.
1:3 Behold! A force as yet unknown came forth and drew together the bits of matter, forming clouds and ever greater particles of matter.
1:4 Aeons passed, stars and galaxies formed, died and were reborn. From each rebirth, new matter was formed which incorporated the old and created changes in possibilities.
1:5 The new stars and galaxies held many heavier and more complicated particles of matter which condensed and created something new under the suns. Planets were born. Cold, hard and barren, they spun madly about the suns, and were warmed by thermonuclear fires in their bellies.
1:6 The fires raged, the crusts were torn asunder, and the fires spewed forth their burden of gas and heavy matter.
1:7 Nauseous vapors filled the void around the planets and blocked the light of the suns. Another aeon passed, and the fires subsided, the surface cooled, the vapors condensed, water gushed forth from the crust and formed rivers, lakes and oceans.
Evolution
2:1 Lightnings flashed, geysers spewed and lava flowed in the deeps. Chemicals formed, combined and recombined again; broke down, and then reformed, in sheltered spots, some clung together in new and unknown ways.
2:2 Peering deeply into the slime, peculiar stirrings become visible. Behold, a tiny particle can be seen collecting and absorbing even tinier particles.
2:3 After an uncertain pause, the tiny particles are seen to divide, and go their separate ways.
2:4 But lo! Here a division occur, but the particles remain together, and jointly collect and absorb the tinier particles!
2:5 Eons pass, and multi-particle organisms come into being, and wonder of wonders, each particle of the whole has adapted to perform a separate task!
2:6 Onward and upward, a dizzy spiral, more and more complex organisms evolve and populate the deeps, each according to its kind.
2:7 Now it came to pass that in the shallow fringes of the deeps, an organism would, from time to time, find itself exposed to that which had never been known in the deeps, that which came from the great outside unknown lightness, a strange and potent mixture of gasses.
2:8 As the waters of the deep ebbed and flowed, the hardier, more fortunate organisms exposed to air adapted to such exposures, and found a new source of energy in the light flooding the landscape � sunlight.
2:9 As the organisms drew strength from the sunlight, they adapted and grew and multiplied out of all reason, and evolved an ability to absorb chemicals from the air, and emit others.
2:10 The chemicals emitted from the organisms, over vast reaches of time, changed the composition of the AIR, and some of the light could no longer penetrate it.
Next Page
The Book of Perfection
The First Upright Men
1:1 Now fully sixty cycles of the galaxy had spun themselves out, and stability and order had come to be on the face of the planet. The sun had shone on the planet and illuminated the lives of strange and wondrous life forms which had risen, prospered and fallen.
1:2 And it came to pass that strange creatures descended from the trees and moved about upon the face of the earth, and as time passed, assumed an upright posture. Small of brain and body, though muscular, this creature roamed in groups of twenty or thirty, male and female.
1:3 Now it came to pass that in those days, Rama the Pithecus beheld a fellow creature in dire straits; for the creature was engaged in a fierce struggle with a pig fully his equal in size and fierceness.
1:4 Rama the Pithecus gazed upon the scene and felt a pang of hunger, and a sudden murky realization that his fellow creature had engaged in the struggle from the same motive. Moved by his hunger, he sprang to assist his fellow creature with the pig, and they jointly soon dispatched the beast.
1:5 His fellow creature, exhausted by the struggle, made no remonstrance when Rama the Pithecus applied his stone knife to the carcass. He watched in silence as the pig was divided in equal portions, and gazed on in wonder as Rama the Pithecus took one half and departed.
1:6 While sharing the meat from the pig with his chosen mate and her offspring, Rama the Pithecus pondered - the pig was good, but difficult to kill. He and the other had, together, accomplished it easily.
1:7 Rising, he grasped a lump of gypsum and marked the event on the wall of the cave; he and the other stabbing and stoning the pig � together.
1:8 His mate, having eaten her fill, gathered the meat and laid it on the pig�s hide. Picking up the corners of the hide, she laid them over the meat, then paused. Stretching out her hands, she gathered the corners in one hand and lifted. She swung the hide back and forth, back and forth.
Pause for translation of conversation �
"Well, Rama, I�m surprised. You brought home pig, but only half? Why not the whole thing?"
"I�ve been feeling a little uneasy about that myself, dear. I came across this fellow, Grug, and he was trying to kill the pig, but the pig was giving him a pretty hard fight. I felt hungry, so I joined in and helped kill the pig. Afterward, Grug was too tired to fight anymore, and I thought about taking the whole pig, but it was heavy, and I was hot and tired myself, and I�d have had to fight Grug, I think, or keep an eye on my back the next time I went hunting."
"You know, it was pretty easy for the two of us to kill the pig. Maybe I can get him or someone to go with me tomorrow, and try the same thing again."
"That�s nice, but don�t go for pig again, please. I�d like a nice young antelope, or maybe some zebra."
"You know, if I took this hide, and punched some holes in it here and there, I could carry lots of vegetables and not have to go get more every day. That�d give me more time to spend teaching the baby, and maybe try something new. I�m trying to figure out a way to carry the baby with me, and still be able to carry food. I don�t like leaving him alone � there�s too many hyenas around here for him to be safe."
"Ughh. Good night."
1:9 In her mind, a picture formed; she and the others collecting roots, berries and fruits and placing them on a hide, then picking up the corners in the same way. She looked at her baby, and the hide, and pictured the baby on the hide and carried along with her.
1:10 A new day dawned, and Rama the Pithecus went to seek out the other, while his mate went to seek out the other females.
Growth
2:1 Ramas's time had come. He had populated the earth, learned to swing the jawbone of an ass, had learned the mysteries of clay, water and fire.
2:2 But his world was changing. The air was strange and chill.
2:3 Rama knew that the time had come for his people to sleep the sleep of the ages, to hide within the mother until the questing folk came.
2:4 But the earth was not to be denied that which it must have and took the essence of Rama and formed a new people.
2:5 These were the same but yet different and reveled in the knowledge that Rama had left for them.
2:6 So it came to pass that the people multiplied and spread out over the earth, bringing change to all they gazed upon.
��..
Interlude
So it was that the first of the questing folk came to be upon the land.
They used the knowledge that Rama has passed and came to more of their own.

The little girl sat idly at the edge of the clearing, and played in the dirt while her mother and the other women collected the roots and seeds growing haphazardly here and there. Bored, she scratched the soil into tiny furrows with her fingers. With a little effort, she soon had the furrows as deep as the first joint on her fingers. She looked up to see if her mother was ready to return to camp yet. No. Idly, she stripped the grains from a plant and poured them from hand to hand. Her mother called, and she dropped the grains and sprang to her feet to join her. Some of the grains fell into the furrows she had made.
The rains fell, and the furrows filled with water and soil, covering the grains. Weeks passed, and the girl returned with her mother to gather seeds and roots again. Again, she sat at the edge of the clearing to await her mother�s call.
And the people learned��..
The digging and smelting of the earth's gifts, the working of wood into weapons to make the gathering of food more plentiful. The beginning of the learning of the way of animals and their young, not to merely hunt, but to capture and breed. The understanding of the seasons and the cycles of growing things.

There was one among them who would come to be known as Otzi of the copper axe. Otzi was not content with the ways of his people. He had come late to them, having more of the ways of Rama, and being restless of spirit, not able to put the essence of the hunter behind him. He stayed with his people
as long as he could, but he knew not contentment and was a seeker.

It was warm and pleasant in the valley and for a time Otzi was able to bide there with his mate. He learned the ways of the shaman, the healing wisdom from the elders of his tribe, the magician, for he learned how to use the knowledge, and he was a warrior in spirit and protected his people. He
learned of the way of the skin markings to stop the pain that came with age and was held in great esteem with his people. So it was that Otzi was troubled when the talk of gods began.

It had started as a child's game. A simple questioned asked that could not be answered. "Otzi, what makes the great light flash in the sky and the loud noise before the rain?" Otzi had to answer with the truth, for that was his way. " I do not know, my son." Which brought forth another question. "Otzi, what causes the rain?" Otzi had to answer with the truth again. " I do not know, my son." The questioning child went to an elder of the tribe who was jealous of the knowledge of Otzi, and once again asked his questions. That elder did not know the way of truth and the words " I do not know" had never crossed his tongue. He looked upon the youth and saw a chance to be wise and usurp the authority of Otzi. "It is a god, my son. One who is greater than ourselves and throws the lightening from cloud to cloud for amusement. The child, being a child had more questions. "What makes the sun show its face every morning, and the seasons turn? And the answer to all the questions was "god". And the child, with the innocent and ignorance of a child said "should we thank him?" And it came to the elder like that flash of light from the sky, that, yes, the god should be thanked, and that the elder would be the only one to possess the knowledge of the ritual of the god thanking. And the elder saw this as a good thing.

And so it was that the elder began to speak of the god and all the things that the god did for the tribe. The warmth of the growing season, the water from the sky, the birth of food animals.
And the elder spake thus:
1:1 For who can limit God? Can He not draw men and women unto Himself, regardless of human instruments supposedly on behalf in all their deluded 'perfectness' and pretentious array, or perhaps through their own imperfection?
1:2 And you and me? Do we not limit ourselves, also, because of the search for perfection in all our pretentious array, or simply because of our own depravity?
1:3 What do I know? I know only what I observe and experience to be true. Can I possibly cast that belief and experience upon another in hopes that he retrieves it, so that he might understand? No, for it is so that my life is my life and none other; nor is any man's life mine own.
1:4. Can we share? Yes, but we cannot deliver the goods that bring a man unto himself, or to ourselves or to God.
1:5 So for what is love of another or God, and for what purpose? If a man so chooses to love it is because he desires to reciprocate the tenderness given to him, the kindness shown, the joy rendered, once offered to him by that person, an entity apart, or one long gone.
1:6 Is there a reason? Only to the one who so chooses to give.
1:7 Then what does it all mean? Who is God, and what? Again, who can limit God, or man? Not I. I only know that love covers a multitude of sins.
And when the tribe asked, well, why does it get cold and why do some of the animals die, the elder said it is because we have not thanked the god but if we should thank him enough, then he will be pleased with us. And the idea was large and mysterious and the tribe took it as a water beast takes a hook and is pulled in for a feast. And the tribe asked how to please the god. And the elder spoke and told them of sacrifice. Bring a part of your grain and a food animal and I will give to the god and it will please him mightily and he will smile upon us. And the tribe did this and all were pleased. Except Otzi.

Wise in the ways of man was Otzi, and able to recognize falsehood and greed. He alone knew that the elder was growing fat on the sacrifice of the tribe and that the things the elder ascribed to god was the workings of nature, who had no need of sacrifice. Things are as they are. And so Otzi spoke against the elder to the tribe. But the tribe was now afraid of angering the god and would not listen to the wise words. And as the sun follows a path in the sky, so do the seasons. And the air grew strange and chill once
again. And the elder spoke and said that the god was displeased and that Otzi must leave. And the tribe said yes, he must leave that god will smile upon us again.

And so it was that Otzi took his copper axe and his grass cape and left the tribe and dwelt apart and alone. But the cold came anyway and the tribe was hungry because they has given all the grain and animals to the god to hold back the turn of the seasons. And so it was that they began to talk among
themselves. Why is the elder the only one of us with meat still upon his bones? Why is his child the only one that does not cry with hunger? Have we been foolish? And so they sent for Otzi to return. And in his time he did return and dealt with the elder with his copper axe. But the tribe was shamed. The presence of Otzi was a constant reminder of their foolishness and they could not bear to have him near. And Otzi understood, being a wise man. He was content with the knowledge that he had done that which had to
be done for the tribe.

So once again, Otzi took his leave of the tribe. But this time of leaving was one of joy for Otzi for now he could quench his restless spirit and go to the mountains to seek and spread knowledge of the sage, the magician and the warrior. . And so he walked in the high road and to his destiny. He learned much on his journey, the making of bows from evergreen yew trunk, the working of flint into arrowheads, the secret of keeping fire alive, but he was old and tired before it was over, and it grew very cold in the mountain pass. Otzi did not know that when he lay down to sleep, he would not rise again from that strange chill, but that the cold would take him and the creeping ice would make him part of the mountain. It would take five
millennia before Otzi would be able to spread his knowledge again, but it was a good sleep for the work of the ages.

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Civilization

The Rise of Government among Men
1:1 Now it came to pass that long years afterward, Rama McLevi�s words were forgotten amongst the people, and great was the strife between man and man, and woman and woman.
1:2 The elders of the land, who were still shown some respect, gathered together and debated among themselves, "What shall we do, for the land is torn by strife, and neighbor turns against neighbor. No man is safe in his field or his home, and there is none to say the renegade nay?"
1:3 Then, as was the custom in those days, the youngest among them arose and spoke; "Let us appoint one to rule over us, and let us provide him with men and all that is needful to enforce his edicts. Thus will we gain safety, and swift retribution for the lawbreakers."
1:4 Another arose and said, "Nay, not so, for who will prevent this ruler from enacting oppression upon us? If we appoint one with all power, and no means to govern his actions, we have no surety that he will remain constant to his vows of justice. Also, if we become dissatisfied with his actions, how will we correct them?"
1:5 Then a voice was raised from the shadows, and said, "It would be well to let the people choose to whom they will entrust their safety, and for a set period of time, so that when they err, they can correct their error. But let not the ruler be selected alone; let others be selected also to give him guidance and wisdom, who shall also serve for a time. And let not the compensation for these services be too high, for the unworthy will seek it for their own gain, nor too low, for the worthy are deserving of reward."
1:6 The eldest was perplexed, and uncertain of the course to take; he thought to himself, "If we select leaders in the manner suggested, how will stability and steadiness of purpose be achieved, for the people are fickle in their desires, and will turn out of office those who ask them to bear a burden, if only for a while?" And he knew that there would be times when it would be necessary for the people to bear such burdens for the good of the whole, and the future of the people. But he also knew that a single ruler with all power was not to be trusted. So he spoke to the elders, saying; "What say you, are the words of Rama MCCLVII still in the hearts of the people, or are they dead to reason? Can the people be trusted to do that which is wise and proper for all?"
1:7 Then he dismissed them to think upon the words spoken, and to consider the course to follow.
2:1 The elders took heed of his words, and, returning, said to him, "Let us then set down in writing a law to guide and govern a ruler and his advisors. Let there be elections held, at intervals of sufficient length that the ruler may accomplish good, but let us also limit the ruler to a certain number of terms in power."
2:2 And so it was done. Now the people rejoiced exceedingly, for the malefactors were speedily apprehended and forced to repay all they had acquired by unlawful means.
2:3 Alas that men are short of memory, and slothful of habit, for it came to pass that the ruler and his advisors ferreted out devious means of augmenting their power, and the people heeded them not.
2:4 And so it came to pass that the government they had desired waxed mighty, and came to be an oppressor unto them.
2:5 But even so, the masses were content, for they had entertainment freely available, and their government promised them security from want.
2:6 Those few who were not content were castigated as malcontents and troublemakers, and their voices were silenced when they grew too bold.
2:7 Thus it was that those with wisdom, vision and purpose came to hide their purposes from the ruler, and to meet in secret whereby they might come upon a course of action to restore virtue to the land.

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Appellations

Appellations
"Professor Ypmurg �
I have managed to interpret part of the second tablet from Aphrodizziak to the swamp dwellers, which reads thus:
The Appellations upon crossing the Bog --
'Follow the leaders at a respectful distance, for the forward seeking often leave their "wag"(rears?) exposed.
Be wary of openness, for it leaves you vulnerable. Be wary of secrets for they make you suspect.
Be wary of the (revealers?), for only on themselves they are prone not to snitch.
With the light of the grin comes the fog of mischief. It is better to owe a man all your life than be in debt to him.
Penniless is (too much?) kindness. The real expert witnesses didn't survive.
A fool seeks (has?) himself for an attorney. He who needs an attorney has already made more than one mistake.
To candy-coat even one mistake, the attorney must be perfect. A prudent client retains an attorney before the first mistake. He who collects the retainer is (already smarter?) than a prudent client.
All the wisdom on earth cannot poverty shake. All the poverty on earth does not wisdom make. Wisdom repels poverty which seeks wisdom but scares the wise. Wealth can precede, follow or exceed both.
Never hope to survive a hundred G's. Even a black belt can't outrun a .357. Quicksand neutralizes aerobics.
Never anticipate gifts from any part of a horse. Leave thy mate space before they insist. The height seldom kills you, it's that "period" (abrupt stop?).
Early to bed, early to rise means you forgot to set your clock back (GMT?). A stitch in time saves (hot glue?).
Let him who is without (bait?) cast the first stone.
Inverted boats (always?) float. Pesticides are a fish's (nuclear threat?). Fish cheer the coming (resurrection?) of ale, for it heralds less fishing.
The captain goes down with the ship but the (female?) ship comes up alone. Wise men lead from behind.
Leadership is to empathy as slam-dancing is to a waltz. The biggest coward makes the best scout.
A boat (on?) (the shore?) rarely sinks. You don't have to scale and fillet worms. Boogers contain calories meant for germs.
Any business which makes it its business to do business with business of "government" (show business?) just isn't busy enough.
Man has many lives but only one death. Rules were made to be broken, especially this one. Time doesn't tell, it conceals.
A man's intelligence is measured by his longevity. A planet's intelligence is measured by its (spermatozoa?) moons. Consume not the aged, "for they are bitter." (Ripened fruit is spoiled?)
Honest eyes turn to the sky. Downcast eyes reveal a lie.
Goings are as important as comings- life should never be ridden hard and put up wet. Hunger neutralizes dignity.
Predators (are?) human "soilant" (nurtured by?) distant visitors (who prevail?) in the sea. Brilliance "in" (on?) its own right wears stupidity on its left. All fail the test of time. He who loves not himself loves no one.'
This endeavor is fraught with ardue and as always, the budget is a worry -- -
respectfully, Valium --"
From the University of St. Maladventure
Department of History and Anthropology

To Valium;

Be not affrighted by these strange words; there is wisdom therein, albeit couched in foolish (to us) terms.

The meaning is clear; stray not from the path of reason to take up the burden of superstition. Heed not those
who would persuade you that your subsistence can be free of charge - there is no such thing as a free lunch.
Someone always pays the bill.

I thank you for your letter, and hope to receive a copy of the original document, or the original itself, for our
archives.

Ypmurg

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Re: The Gospel -- Grumpy, 16:33:46 03/03/09 Tue