Re: just a hello done zone... -- Speakeasy

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Date Posted: 10:31:19 12/23/01 Sun
Author: DoneZone
Author Host/IP: d226-84-153.home.cgocable.net / 24.226.84.153
Subject:

Re: just a hello done zone...
In reply to: kevin 's message, "just a hello done zone..." on 14:57:26 12/21/01 Fri

Howdy Kevin, nice to hear from you. How've I been doing? I've been doing great!!! It is so good to be able to say that and really mean it for a change. Really, I'm not just giving the pat answer, I have been doing great.
Its been a year since I cleaned up and got with the program and its been the best year I've had in ages. I must say I'm a bit bummed about my weight gain (I balloned over the first four months on methadone) because suddenly carrying an extra 60lbs in no laughing matter. But that aside, I've been carrying a smile inside that's almost always bubbling away with a warm fuzzies. It is truly amazing how consistently I feel positive and am enjoying the fact I'm alive.
Its been a cake walk, and I'm so grateful. I guess I was simply ready to quit and therefore it has not been difficult at all. I haven't had to fight cravings at all because I really haven't had any. Now that's incredible, but true. I remember previous times I tried to stay clean and it was a constant struggle not to use. This time I really don't want to use, so that makes it pretty easy psychologically. And I would say that whatever extra help the methadone is providing me with is completely welcomed. I have no issues with being on methadone. I don't feel inadequate, weak or lacking in anything because I rely on methadone for whatever assistance its giving me.
You know, I'm not even looking for this bubble to burst because I know I'm not being unrealistic or phonily boosting my spirit. It makes sense that I would feel good because of how I'm living now and how I've matured in my acceptance of myself and others. I'm understanding more about the influence of opiate addiction upon my daily life and my emotional well-being and I am ready to take life without a narcotic blanket now. I'm not down on narcotics and users at all, I just don't need to be there anymore. But I know I wouldn't be where I am now if it wasn't for all that I did gather from my time using and all the pain and learning that occurred. I do truly believe we can grow mentally and emotionally while using, and develop our understanding of our selves a whole lot, however there is a lot that one cannot do with that growth until one gets clean. So, obviously, on our journeys eventually it makes perfect sense that getting clean is the next logical step at some point.
Anyhow, it sure feels good to be comfortable immersing myself into life experiences and other people again, rather than wanting to put some distance between me and the world while looking upon it from behind a narcotic barrier.
Simply put, its nice not to feel fear. I can face things, myself, others, the way things are as they are and deal with it.
Such a great feeling of relief too. Sometimes LiveJive and I will just look at one another and know we're thinking "whew, yippie, we made it! We survived." And it's true, we did survive. It really is so dangerous walking the junkie path, dangerous on so many levels. Physically and medically, but also to one's spirit, our sense of beauty, caring, meaning, our view of others and the goodness of human nature. So much can be harmed through addiction. We can become a carrier of things we don't want to carry - anger, resentment, violence, callousness, dishonesty. Sometimes one's character will not survive. I'd rather lose my arm, than my ethics. But ultimately, I rather not lose either. And so we survived. Whew, it feels good. Whew, what a trip. Time to rest and reflect for awhile. There's lots of time left to run around and get into some more trouble, so for now, I'm just taking it easy. Oh else how will I have the strength to survived the next pile of doo-doo on down the line. Peace and good wishes to you. DoneZone

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