Some funnies -- Adilbrand Noblesword's Hall of Warriors

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Date Posted: 15:11:51 06/28/02 Fri
Author: mt. healthy mountaineer
Subject:

Some funnies

These are from a book entitled Nine Hallmarks of Highly Incompetent Losers

A 20-year-old Tallahassee, Florida, car thief was arrested after he illegally parked his stolen car in a handicapped space with the stereo blasting. Of course, this drew the attention of a passing cop, who simply told him to move on. But the thief rudely snapped that he was just visiting a shop and would move in a couple of minutes. The exasperated cop finally ran a license check, discovered the car was stolen and busted the driver, who also turned out to be carrying cocaine. The officer said, "He's not exactly a criminal mastermind." That�s putting it mildly. In fact, if he had parked in a space for the mentally handicapped, nobody would've questioned him.

The owner of a bridal shop in Totnes, England, saw a wedding photo in the newspaper and thought something about it looked oddly familiar. Then she realized that the bride and her fiance had been in her store acting suspicious just before one of her gowns disappeared. The bride had actually posed for the newspaper wearing the stolen gown. She was fined $300, and the groom was charged with theft. The judge didn't buy their "something borrowed" excuse.

A Hamburg, New York, man set fire to a shop, then called a friend to brag about it. As soon as he heard "Hello?" on the other end, he blurted out, "Dude, it's lit! The whole corner is going!" But he had dialed a wrong number and mistakenly called the fire chief. He was charged with arson. His mommy apparently never taught him not to play with matches nor with the telephone.

A thief in Singapore snatched a woman's purse, used one of her stolen credit cards to buy two mobile phones, and hurried out when he thought the shopkeeper was getting suspicious. However, he later decided he had been overcharged � on the credit card that wasn�t even his � went back to the same shop to complain, and made a scene. The owner called the cops. He was a lousy thief, but he was a terrific shopper.

A thief stole a car in Melville, New York, and abandoned it months later, stripped of parts. The only thing he left behind was the owner's camera. When she had her film developed, she was stunned to discover that the thief had taken a photo of himself smiling into the camera lens, and another of the exit ramp to his neighborhood. His grinning mug appeared in all the New York City papers, beneath such appropriate captions as "The Picture of Stupidity."

An ex-con sued the Australian prison system for $265,000, claiming that because of their confusing recordkeeping system, he'd been held 239 days longer than he should have. Prison authorities in Queensland recalculated his sentence and found that he was right about it being incorrect, but he had actually been released six weeks early. They never would have noticed if he hadn't called attention to it. He was sent back to jail for another six weeks. See, he told them it was confusing!

Proving that comedy is not for amateurs, a man stood up at open mike night at a Macon, Georgia, comedy club and began doing �slice of life� jokes about the subject he knew best: the three bank robberies he had pulled. The audience thought it was a skit, but the club manager, an ex-cop, realized it wasn�t and called the police. The would-be funnyman was captured and sentenced to a rather big slice of Life: 87 years in prison. At least he now has a captive audience for his jokes.

The Blackpool, England, soccer team was poised to beat rival Torquay 2-1 when a Blackpool fan became so overjoyed, he stripped off his clothes and ran naked onto the field to celebrate. Play had to be stopped while the cops removed him, and four minutes were added onto the clock to compensate for the distraction. In that extra time, Torquay scored twice to win the game. That's the penalty Blackpool paid for having too many balls on the field.

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