| Subject: troubled soul |
Author:
emee ceegee
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Date Posted: 12:34:06 09/26/02 Thu
I have been married for almost three years. Within these years of my commitment, came along big arguments and ordeals in my life. For the first few months of my marriage, I found out I was pregnant. Since it was the first stage of our marriage, my mother-in-law had doubted on my condition. Meaning, she was skeptical about the father of my baby in the womb. I was extremely outraged about her feedback. Despite the fact that I know she was wrong, my anger towards her was deeply rooted from that situation. To no avail, probably out of anxiety and stress, I had a miscarriage.
So there came on the first year of our relationship full of fights and shouting matches due to my demands. I wanted to have our own place to live and have privacy so my in-laws will not get in our way. But I knew we had no financial stability to pursue such plan so we stayed on with my in-laws, I had no choice but live with them. As our fights went on, I learned about my partner having extramarital affair. I was truly a blow when I learned about it. I didn't know how to move on with my life but I tried to be strong about knowing all the sordid details. Evenso, I kept silent to my in-laws to save the humiliation for bigger problem. My spouse told me that it was the girl who was stalking him and begging on him. He also admitted that he can’t stand on my nagging mouth. Although I knew he was giving out reasons just to get rid of the topic, I tried to understand and looked beyond my faults, too. So that made me think not to leave my partner instead I stayed with him. I had nowhere to go because I lived far way from my family and in the place where I am at, I was all by myself. My solitary therapy was to look forward to my life and I prayed very hard to God for I am a firm Catholic believer. I searched for a job to make my time worthwhile and proved to my partner that I can do good and that I can be independent. Luckily, I was hired by an office. Hence, there went on my living, I was very tough to go on. I was heads high by that feat. I tried to bring myself into silent approach instead of me getting on arguments with my partner. I made a total change in my individuality. What I did was to reverse my approach, I tried to be composed about the situation for as far as my husband told me, his affair with the other lady was over. Our relationship from that moment on became silent, I wouldn't say it was better...it was just quiet and flat. Things about me changed. Until one time, as they say, there is always way to know the truth. Beyond doubt, nature took its course. For the second time around, I found out that my partner didn’t stop his indiscretions with the same woman… (It didn’t really matter to me who). Worst of all, he got her pregnant. I didn’t know what my reaction would be, I was a lost for the second time around.I never knew what to do. I burst into tears, cried all day long. Once again, I was driven with madness and hate. For almost two weeks I went away from my partner, and stayed with my one and only friend. On the other hand, deep inside, something pulled my strings up to go back to him. I know this sounds so crazy and stupid, but at this time I don’t know at all why I am still with him. Until now, we are together, I see in him that he is sorry about everything, he is trying his effort to build our relationship for better means. I just don’t know for how long when my trust totally disappeared. All really washed away, my doubts and distrust in him is still there, and yet I am still with him. Though in doubt, I encouraged him to attend to mass, to put him together with spirituality. His connections with the other woman, as he said, is no longer there. I was pushing him to support the baby, and he is telling me that she (the other woman) is rejecting all the support he is trying to give to her. It doesn’t really matter to me what the informations are, for all I really care. My main problem is how can I figure out my situation right now? Living with him and with my in-laws under one roof makes me so uneasy to move. They even have their own prejudices about me not getting pregnant and also about my occasional fights and argument with my husband. I never feel any encouragement from them. Honestly, I lost my momentum to get pregnant, and have good and happy family, it’s not the right time for me to have my own baby. I don’t want any child of mine in the future to be in a dilemma since I am not even comfortable with my in-laws (because they are so biased) so as to my situation. Why am I still with him? I know for a fact that I was overly aggravated and betrayed. I myself don’t know how to solve my uncertainty about him. I don’t even know if I’ll be happier if I am alone. He chooses me than the other woman, I just don’t know how true it is. I don’t know too, if I still love him. Am I just staying with him for my own convenience? I never ceased to pray, however, everyday I am crammed with anger and hate inside me. As a result to these feelings I have, once in a while I can’t control myself giving him guilt feelings about what he did.I don't want these emotions to eat up my whole being.I try so hard to forget and just forgive but I just can’t get over it. Is it normal to feel this? I guess I’m in great predicament. Please help me!
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