My heart is breaking. How do you say goodbye? -- "A Song For Justin"

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Date Posted: 16:11:22 01/13/02 Sun
Author: Lance
Subject: My heart is breaking. How do you say goodbye?

I can't believe he's gone. I don't want to believe it.

Its so senseless. And now one of our kids is gone and there's a great big hole in our family that will never be filled.

I don't know what I can say to comfort anyone. So many memories. I've know Justin since he was 13 years old. He was a great kid. He and I discussed politics, anti racist action, Mumia. We had all the same underground zines. He was a little baby radical and I loved talking to him, listening to his views. He was a just a baby. He would get so enthusiastic about things.

And he was a little rock and roller. He had a band. He was so excited when they played a club. It was so cute. I think it was one of the happiest times of his life. Everyone cheering for him up on that stage. We planned it for weeks, on e-mails. And he did great. They loved him.

He was so intelligent. Such a good writer. I want to thank Dano for posting the poem he had from Justin. I hope everyone who has a copy of Justin's poems and his pictures will share them with others. When AOL shut down our Queer Dollars Campaign, Justin offered to post it on his site. That was so sweet of him.

I know in 7th and 8th grade, he thought of himself as unattractive, overweight but like the ugly ducking, Justin became a beautiful swan. I'm not sure he ever realized or accepted that he was not only a beautiful person inside, but that he had grown into a gorgeous young man. I hope he knew that. I hope he knew.

In Junior High, his identity centered around football, partly because of his size and also because of his love for the sport and his talent. But mostly because he wanted his Dad to be proud of him. He was very good at sports and when I first met him, he had dreams of becoming a professional football player. That was his goal. A knee injury put him on the sideline but he really loved the game. Every fall, he would get so caught up in college football. One of the things he loved best was watching a game in person with his Dad.

This year, he went to a new school, a larger school and he was so excited about it. He wrote to me about the racial diversity and how happy he was to attend a school with african americans for the first time in his life. Justin had very strong feelings about racism.

He made the tennis tream and really enjoyed the sport but one thing that concerned him was the prejudice against black students that he overheard from a few fellow teammates. This really concerned and angered Justin. He wanted to confront them. Here he was, the new kid in school and he wanted to take on the popular established upper classmen because of their prejudice. Justin had a lot of heart and a lot of courage. He was an amazing boy.

At his new school he fell in love with a friend. He agonized over his feelings and worried about his friend finding out that he was gay. After a few close calls, Justin decided to come out to his friend. He was so surprised and happy and relieved that it went really good. He was accepted and they became even closer friends. Justin was so courageous. He didn't hide who he was.

I picture him in my mind, this kid who loved rock and roll and civil rights and politics and I see a younger me in him and it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart...

I think what could have been. The future he will never have. The things he would have accomplished. The difference he would have made.

The world has lost a wonderful person

We've lost one of our own, our little reporter who had visions of trying to walk in Drew's big footprints as one of our most passionate activists. He wanted to be like Drew.

It is so difficult to write this. I keep stopping because I cant see. I grieve, I rage, I rant, I cry.

Just a few days ago, I was handing out cyber xmas presents from my trip to California, I wrote, "To Justin the Okie - I got you a gig playing the Viper Room every week-end opening for national bands and a years supply of all the hot bois on Sunset."

It was so unnecessary for Justin to die. It was so stupid and so senseless. I cant imagine what his Father must be going through. To lose his son so suddenly and to wonder WHY.

We all wonder WHY.

WHY?

AEA takes 500 to 1000 young men's lives every year in the United States. Yet, until I watched it on QAF, I didnt know much about it.

I want all you guys (and girls) to know that this practice will kill you. The fear of talking about it, is that it will give kids ideas.

We have a lot of young kids on here. Maybe you've never heard of it. Well, now you have.

It killed Justin.

AEA can and does kill anyone.

Sex isn't worth dying for. A thrill isnt worth dying for. If Justin could take it back, he would. He didnt want to die.

Justin's father wanted everyone here to know how he died, to try to save others from the same fate. He hoped that by talking about this, he can saves other kid's lives.

Justin, this is so hard. I am so honored that I met you and got to know you these past two years. I will never ever forget you.

Good bye
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"Let's get something straight. I hate Republicans. Let's get something else straight. I hate Democrats. Therefore, I like to consider myself a fairly non-partial observer......My own affiliation, the DSA..."

"I'm finally writing my first article for the school newspaper, a student letter this time before I join the staff after Christmas. It's explaining my views against nationalism in general and why I don't say the pledge of allegiance in the morning. Wish me luck, I know I'm going to take alot of shit for it anyhow, but I can't stay shjeletered here at this new school forever. Now on with with the news I deem worthy to post =P"

--------------------

"About Christmas --
If we're just going for the most memorable Christmas, that's without a doubt last year's for me, though Christmas Eve to be exact. December 24th, 2000, was when I came out to my dad. Thats one of those things, that god help me if I ever get alzheimers, will be the last thing to go.

As far as my fondest Christmas memories, it would probably be from when I was 7 and still living with my mom. That year I got a Super Nintendo AND one of those uber-kewl bazooka things that goes with it. I remember how much I used to LOVE that thing. My mom let me go over to my best friend Natilie's house that night and my mom came over and we all had Christmas dinner together. Hehe...I've always looked at girls more as friends I guess =P...and her mom was SOOOOOO nice, she never thought it odd at all that a boy loved to play with Barbies and the huge stuffed-animal collection I had. Hehe...pretty good memories =)"

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"I feel all special and warm and fuzzy...I beat Drew to posting a bit of news =P"

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*smiles* -- Justin the Okie

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