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Date Posted: 20:21:06 11/12/05 Sat
Author: 百目鳥
Subject: 坐火車

051111
坐火車

夜。過勞的我,渴求著物理性睡眠以外的生活間的喘息。那大概是白天坐火車的緣故。你知道,當一個人抱著背包,倚著灰濛的窗子,長久盯著舊路上那些似曾相識的電線杆和老房子,心情總是難免,會隨著車廂受到點牽動。

路是重覆的,而且早已預見,翻開從前的日記時我就發現。寫日記的好處是,它讓你看見預言的自我實現是如何殘酷地精準。02年08月,我這樣寫下:「我的不安和憤怨就是支持『我其實是一個王子』這信念的唯一證據。如果我一唱陳慧琳的那首歌(有福氣)我就會死,住在我心中的那隻饑餓的狼如是說。」

當然啦現在的我,距離「有福氣」仍何只千萬丈遠。我只是厭倦了憤怨。誰會聽見呢就算我真個要哭。誰會對一再重覆的黑暗主題仍有興趣。

所以我就有了工作有女朋友有教會有足夠的朋友,只是沒有了自我和靈魂。我的自我已經萎縮成時代大背景中的一個小灰點,且一直掛在那兒。既不痛,也不癢。

都怪火車上的灰玻璃吧它的反照,讓我看見一個無法被了解,也無法被親近的人。

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